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Anxiety, Depression, Self-Esteem?

S

Stratuss

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Florida
I'm experiencing some anxiety, depression and negative thoughts at work. I've keep thinking my superiors are judgmental of me, that they don't like me, that I will be fired l, even though there's no indication whatsoever that my superiors are not satisfied with my work. I read too much on what they say, in their expressions, I keep thinking I'm not doing a good job myself, that I'm not good enough, and that I should start looking for a new job in fears of being let go. The occasional compliment makes me absurdly emotional.

I have 4 children ages 4-13. They always ask me to play with them but I have no desire, because I have no energy. I'm a little overweight so I've been feeling tired. Not being able to play with my kids brings me sadness, irritation, frustration...

I've been married for 16 years and I'm madly in love with my wife. For the most part it has been heaven, but we have our share of problems. I'm am very affectionate. I kiss, I hug, I hold hands, touch, physical contact is so important to me. I say I love you constantly...she is my world. I have a problem because, she does not reciprocate the way I act...she likes watching TV with me, to go out with me...she likes my company. I know for sure she loves me, she only doesn't show the same way I do...I get that...but I have such a hard time with it. I interpret it as being rejected, constantly shut down... constantly. It brings me much sadness, I get down, I get easily triggered by my kids. I become passive-aggressive, she becomes passive-agreessive... and days or weeks can go bay like that before me, yes, always me, raise the white flag. It's hard...after 16 years it hasn't gotten easier.

95% of the time I have to initiate intimacy. 80% of the time I'm told to get it done quickly. This hurts me. Intimacy is huge for me. I often say that I don't want to just have sex, I want to make love...to be one, to connect, to be together in this intimate state...it's something so sublime for me, I long for it. Sometimes I fell offended when all that's offered by my spouse is a "quick release"... she doesn't get it. Most often, however, I'm rejected. It's been like this for 16 years. It makes me extremely sad, brings me down, and it lowers my self esteem... I feel worthless. Makes me think things like "Maybe if I lost some weight she would be more into me", other things as well like working out, doing a nose job, showing confidence and pretending her lack of affection does not bother me, like I'm above it... anything and everything to make she react more.

She has told me several times, however, that she loves me for who I am...making me think that no matter what I changed...that's who she is, that's her way of being, she is not like me and I can't change that...I just need to accept and deal with my frustrations...and that's what I've been trying to do...for 16 years that's what I've been trying to do.

I just think lately this has had a much deeper impact in my self-esteem than I ever realized. Days can go by without any expression of affection if I'm not actively seeking it. I think that affects my days at work, my insecurities, my fears are exacerbated, I'm almost constantly feeling down, depressed, my relationship with my kid is not so great because I'm short on patience, I have mood swings...

Is there a cure for this??? Please tell me there is...can I take something so I don't feel…or so I can feel happy or indifferent when I'm rejected or no affection is shown towards me? How can I move on and just brush off these feelings? Is there something that can replace it? What, where do I find it??? Please where can I find it? How can I get my self esteem back?

I often feel like I'm a failure.
 
B

bpd2020

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Hello and welcome to the forum.

It is difficult for a couple when one is affectionate and the other is not. I do understand you feel loved with affection and touch. Has your wife always been this way? If so it sounds like she does not show her love that way but it does not mean she does not love you. Do you think couples therapy may be helpful? It would give you both the chance to discuss your feelings in a safe space.

Please do not think this is about you or how you look. I am so sorry you are feeling this is down to you. Some people do have a difficult time expressing affection.
 
M

MouthyOne

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Joined
Sep 14, 2020
Messages
161
Location
Scotland
Sorry you are feeling like this, sounds like a rough time at the moment with a few things going on.

On the work situation you seem to be judging yourself and believing your bosses are in turn judging you. Looking to re-affirm your thoughts is logical however your thoughts are not seemingly proveable and are disruptive.

Not feeling like doing very much or having the energy to play with the kids can happen to. Your energy is elsewhere.

I don't see anyone looking for help as a failure and it is actually brave.

How long have you been feeling this way?
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,966
Relationships can do so much for self-esteem. You should take time out for each other, and get to know each other intimately. Understanding each other and removing communication barriers is key. If she understands how all this is affecting you and family life etc., you might start noticing a difference. It might give you a insight into why she behaves in the manner she does too. Hope this helps :)
 
A

Am33

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Sep 28, 2020
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Fiji
We all been conditioned by the media , movies that if we just find the right person then everything will be perfect . Its all a lie what we all need we can only get from inside us by seeking wholeness . What we really are seeking is nuturence we think someone else can give that to us and that causes the conflict in relationships when we don't get it .My last relationship same thing I got 5 mins for sex. My fault I didn't understand how women need a more emotional higher union than men therapy taught me that .
 
S

Stratuss

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Florida
Hello and welcome to the forum.

It is difficult for a couple when one is affectionate and the other is not. I do understand you feel loved with affection and touch. Has your wife always been this way? If so it sounds like she does not show her love that way but it does not mean she does not love you. Do you think couples therapy may be helpful? It would give you both the chance to discuss your feelings in a safe space.

Please do not think this is about you or how you look. I am so sorry you are feeling this is down to you. Some people do have a difficult time expressing affection.
thank you for your reply. It's been progressive. We used to be all over each other before er got married. Then we got married and it was less so. Then kids came and it was less so. We've been married for 17 years. I know she loves me...and I know she shows her affection differently than I do. We don't have arguments other than on this subject.

I don't think talk is the problem, we talk a lot about the subject. The problem is that in the end either me or her will get passive aggressive. She'll either say, "fine I'll try to get better", or I'll say "fine, I'll try not to show my affection as much". I don't know, maybe we do need a "mediator" or something.

You said "some people have a difficult time expressing affection", I believe this is her case...and I don't think she will change, or wants to put the effort to change.

So what can I do not to care? Is there therapy to help me not to care and not feel down?

Thanks!
 
B

bpd2020

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Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
7,535
Location
England
thank you for your reply. It's been progressive. We used to be all over each other before er got married. Then we got married and it was less so. Then kids came and it was less so. We've been married for 17 years. I know she loves me...and I know she shows her affection differently than I do. We don't have arguments other than on this subject.

I don't think talk is the problem, we talk a lot about the subject. The problem is that in the end either me or her will get passive aggressive. She'll either say, "fine I'll try to get better", or I'll say "fine, I'll try not to show my affection as much". I don't know, maybe we do need a "mediator" or something.

You said "some people have a difficult time expressing affection", I believe this is her case...and I don't think she will change, or wants to put the effort to change.

So what can I do not to care? Is there therapy to help me not to care and not feel down?

Thanks!
You are in a very difficult situation.

I feel the therapy can help you to talk about your feelings in a safe place were you are not going to be judged. You mentioned having a low mood and having other things going on so I feel therapy could help with lots of areas for you.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,966
I wonder if there are some underlying barriers going on. If it were me i would be tempted to ask if there are elements of myself that I could improve on (no one is perfect). To make progress though without going into defensive mode is no easy task, but it could open a foundation of honest dialogue to bring about lasting positive change...
 
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