Anxiety, Depresison, Breakdown? Partner left home. How do I support. Is there hope he’ll ever return.

C

CS81

New member
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Wallsend
#1
Hi!
So I feel like I’ve left this far to late to post. I feel like I’ve failed my partner for not seeing the signs sooner. Literally breaks my heart.

At the end of January my partner left our family home, been together 12 years, have a 10 year old daughter.

It came at the time after I confided in him about a situation that had, had an effect on me and made me think negatively about something last year. Little did I know it had had the same effect on him. And little did I know he wasn’t mentally ready to hear it. He was already thinking negatively and so he couldn’t see it rationally.

He immediately went in on himself. Said he couldn’t trust me (I’ve never cheated by the way or anything like that at all) he couldn’t kiss me or hug me and that I’d confirmed his biggest fear!

After 4 days of reassuring him. He just wasn’t there, wouldn’t hear me. The first few days he said he loved me and was in love with me. Then two days later he says he doesn’t know if this is what he wants and he’s not in love with me.

Sunday he is sat crying on our bed and says he doesn’t know if he’ll be there when I return (from picking our daughter up) at this stage I didn’t understand, I’d gave him everything I could and thought there was nothing more I could do. I wish I hadn’t of left him. But I’d hoped when I returned he’d still be there. He was not!

He checked into a hotel. My daughter face timed him and the first thing he said to her was “me and Mam have decided to separate and I’m getting a flat?!!!!” What this was news to me! And also who says that to their 9 year old daughter!!!!! She was begging him to come home via txt. He said he couldn’t, was never coming home.

Cut a long story shot he came to see her that night, I stayed out the way. He told her we were his work, he loved us very much, me and him still loved one another, that he wasn’t feeling like himself, that his brain was thinking negatively and would change the answers to my questions to a negative response. He told me that it wasn’t me, and that he felt like a failure, that he has to do this by himself, he doesn’t want to drag us down with him. He was adamant. And left. I txt saying If he can’t talk to me who can he talk to. He said he’s not ready to talk, will he ever be. The next day I txt saying if your adamant you want to do this alone and get a flat, please come home and do it correctly for the sake of our daughter don’t just abandoned. Let her be involved. He txt saying he can’t come home, thanked me for always being there, said he felt like a poison filling the house with his sad and that he had the number from work in his pocket but it made him feel ill.

He did come home only for the reasons above. He was just completely different I’d only get a snippet of him and what looked like a black empty shell. That HATED me!!!

He was the same with our daughter too.

To cut a long story short there was another stay on a hotel for a wk, we’d said to go to family/friend as we were all ill.

He said when he was home it made him feel ill and his gut was telling him to go. I said how we all felt the same and it’s because this shouldn’t be happening. And we’re all connected. He couldn’t see it.

He doesn’t really have anyone, family sent supportive at all and he has one friend who he hasn’t really spoke too and he said he didn’t want to be a burden.

Whilst away he put a deposit down on a flat. He came home on the sat, and we had sat-tues with him. Again he was two versions of my partner. One who started to hug me, started to embrace me, and another who was “black” that’s the only word I can describe. Again same with my daughter too. He didn’t speak at all.

I wish I’d saw it, but I failed. I thought it was sbecause he was so unhappy at home and hated me. Selfish of me I know.

He moved into his flat, and he was at our home every night after work and started opening up each night and hugging me too! He spoke more about thoughts and black cloud, as couldn’t call it depression then tho. He spoke about feeling bipolar, sounding like a scatty mental person! When he heard himself on the phone. And also finding it easier to talk to a stranger which I encouraged.

He was still adamant to do this by himself and that it was unfair of me to support him through this.

He said he left because he didn’t want to feel that way in our home, didn’t want to be that person in our home and that it was unfair on me and our daughter.

Fast track, he’s been in his flat 2 months now. It has flown and been a rollercoaster of a journey.

Him telling me he wants me to leave him alone, me saying if this is what you truly want I respect that, but if it’s your depression pushing me away I’m going to stand by you. What would you do if his was me, in my flat sat on my sofa? Would you leave me he said no?!

He said he knows one day he says one thing and the next he says another. He said I’m aware I have a black cloud.

He stopped hugging after this, seemed to push him further away. But he’s say babe when chatting, love you’s when leaving. Etc.

He seemed to hit a low and be really meh. Again I took it as me, selfish I know but he seemed to go really distant and go from saying and doing that to just zoning in on our daughter, well a game she’d play. He still wasn’t engaging, I tried having a word and mentioned the things he had said. To which he fired slip of the tongue.

Next day our daughter was sleeping at his flat for the first time. She was finding it difficult. She said I don’t have a family he said you do and you always will. She said yes but you and Mam went together. To which he replied that’s never happening.

So I asked for a quick word. I said so this isn’t a break and it’s never happening? He said I don’t know the future but how I feel now is we’re not getting back together. So I said so this isn’t depression? He said he’s never said it was only I have! And to stop attacking him.

The things is everytime he fires, he will txt offering food etc? And I’m just left confused.

I listen and withdraw or act like ok then this is it. And he looks genuinely gutted and as if he’s welling up.

I’ve tried to understand and him firing at me that it’s not a break, he can’t get past what I said. That he doesn’t want to try. So I listen and think right I have to hear what he’s saying. And post on FB to let our world know as it was making me ill walking and going places people knowing he’s left and I felt I couldn’t breathe.

He went in onhimself after this.

So I reassured on a phone call that i didn’t want him thinking I didn’t care. To which he fired “I thought finally she gets it”

Which then made me think am I crazy?

After this he seemed even more low and blushed every opportunity he saw me.

I then changed tactic and showed him we’re both there for him, went round with flurry’s, gave him little things each day, invited him for tea, etc and communication started and he seemed more lifted. He txt with x’s and it was nice.

I could see the times he was low and he’d just take himself away to his flat. If I asked if he was ok he’d well up. So I’d leave it.

A wk into this nicer phrase our daughter slept and she started to let him know how she was feeling, to which he fired he was unhappy with me last year for some reason, our relationship is ruined, and that I’m not the woman for him and he’s not the man for me.

He txt me saying she was pissed and it’s just a bi product of him leaving and it was his choice and he has to deal with the consequences.

So we’ve hit another blow! Each time this happens for me and our daughter it’s like the first time he left!

He looked gutted when he brought Her home. He txt fishing. With x’s as he does, and I hit him as a mother!! As he was band out of order. He apologised said he doesn’t mean to do that to us, doesn’t realise he is and he is sorry especially doing it to her.

We had some normal days again although that really hit me hard to be honest.

I think this made him realise tho. As the following Mon. He came and answered our daughters questions. So he left because he didn’t want us around it. That he is depressed but doesn’t like to admit it. That he is going to the docs following wk (he’s off) That he’s never coming back home. Time in his flat has made him realise some things.

So we had a chat this wk! As he’s been off. Started well, he admitted he’s had anxiety since being a kid, he’s had depression a long time, it’s a part of him. Obvs last year deep depression we had a really hard year, being pulled every which way! Was he’ll for all 3 of us.

Then started to go south!...He now says he has fallen out of love with me since being in his flat. We’re not getting back together, our relationship is ruined. Due to the situation I supported friends with and him leaving. He doesn’t want to try at all.

Agreed we had 10-11 amazing years of being that power couple and happy together, but things change and come to an end. His feelings tell him not to try. No point. That he’s stubborn?! I said it feels like I’ve cheated and the trust is gone and walls up and it’s like fuck that. He said it was like that.
He brings up stuff from years ago or last year and it’s so hard the way he views them, they are an overthought or an overthought of an overthought! And gobbledegook.

I cried so hard as I’ve never really grieved, been trying to be there and I really did have so much hope! So did our daughter. She tells me he gets excited if I’m going round. And has said something that he has said to her in the early days of this. Like he doesn’t want a girlfriend and if he did the only GF he’d want is Mam!?

He then txts!! You know as I say he’ll send txts and he txt all that eve, all the next day too! Obvs he knows I have to reply if it’s to do with the bairn.

He went to docs on weds, referral to councillor. Really hoped for meds, but that’s selfish on my behalf as I want him to think more rationale.

He came to mine straight after as we where getting our daughters bday stuff together. I asked if I could hug him as he looked like he’d been crying. He actually hugged me the tightest he has in a long time and said so long as your hands don’t wander? Really to someone you know has feelings?

He also called me babe when talking, so it’s like? Is that a slip of the tongue too?

Next day I asked for a chat I just wanted to let him know from my perspective why I haven’t let go if that’s what he really wants and how it’s felt for me. He basically took back everything. Said he’s a nice person and that’s why he txts?! He said he sees me as a relative. And just pushed me away. He got angry and said I was attacking him. I never once did because I feel I have to tread carefully. I was just saying how it’s felt as I haven’t been able to speak at all for two months. He’s only just spoke!

Honestly so much more has happened from him agreeing to his first emotions when he first left, to saying that’s what I thought then it’s not what I think now.

I feel like the time away in his flat has fuelled negative thoughts. He literally zones in on negatives and I feel like it’s excuses to justify why he left and that he made the right decision.

We had a bike ride planned yesterday and so I said we would still do that as our daughter knew about it. But then I want my key back and for him to sign our joint bank account form. As he still monitors it. And that he’s grieved and got over me I need time to get over him before I can coparent. So txts need to stop etc. He looked like I’d kicked him in the gut! If I say this tho he says I’m wrong. I’m literally doubting everything as he says my gut is wrong. Says I see things wrong. But I know what I see and I know this man!!!!

When he up and went he got 10k loans, new bank account, flat, money transfers!!!

Anyways when on the bike ride that’s the longest I’ve saw him for, and it was clear to see he is burnt out! Our daughters demand or moans you could see he found it and it was bothering him. I also saw him get overwhelmed at times and take himself away, welling up! Although he’d deny it or say it’s because our daughter doesn’t have the perfect life!!

I caught him look at me a few times and quickly look away.

I guess my questions are,

How do I support? I love this man with all of my heart!! Of course I want a future with him. If this is mental health, I want to be there for him! Regardless of outcome! At this stage I just want to help him.

Can a partner say the things they say and not mean it? Can his depression push me away to this extent?

Does anyone know of any success stories?

How do I be there without smothering and putting on more pressure? While maintaining my own health?

He is a good man and always has went above and beyond for me and our daughter. The snapping and the things he says he has never done before. Totally out of character. The no reassuring our daughter and the blunt firing is completely out of character. Which is another reason I had hope.

I wrote down symptoms last year (clear to see deep depression) and symptoms over night (clear to see breakdown)

He hasn’t admitted the later. If he has had a breakdown and is still going through it. Is there anything other than making suggestions I can do?

How do I help him? He has no one!! Well no one that knows other than me. He fronts well.

The day he went the next day he stepped into a higher position at work. He is managing, although only just and retreats to his flat.

Sorry for the super long post. I just don’t know what to do or where to turn
 
jackolantern

jackolantern

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2019
Messages
62
Location
Norwich
#2
Hi CS81 , I am so sorry you are in a difficult time right now, it sounds like he is very depressed and has fled the situation as he cannot deal with it all right now. My thoughts are with you and I hope things can improve soon.
 
C

CS81

New member
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Wallsend
#3
Hi Jackolantern,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and post! It has tipped our worlds upside down. His time away has fuelled his negative thoughts. I think sometimes he knows what we are and have and then other times he’s “set” on the decision he made.

I really do hope things can improve soon.

If you have any suggestions how I can best help him. Please do let me know.