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Anxiety and sleeping disorders

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Thatkind993

New member
Joined
Mar 2, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Wien
Guys hello View attachment smile.gif I am new here because I needed someone to share my story with and psychiatrist are something I can't afford right now.
My whole problem begins with a break up , but please don't judge me. I know it is everyday thing and that I have to be stronger, but..

May 2019. I have had a boyfriend for 4 years, he was my best best friend. We had fun all the time, laughing, loving, everything was so easy. We didn't have to force anything. Everyone around us were saying that they wanted a relationship like ours. We had a long distance relationship, an hour away with a plane but we were seeing each other quite frequently and communicating all the time. I was during my med studies, he was studying economics there so it was actually good so we could focus on our education. Our plan was, after I finish med school, to come where he is and do my surgery specialization there. That was supposed to happen in January 2020.

Then, out of nowhere, he said that he wanted a break, but I didn't agree because I don't believe in breaks and he broke up with me. We were planning our summer vacation two days before, and just like that he decided he wanted to break up. The reason he said was because the distance was too much.. we had only 6 months left until I come there.
One week before that, he went out with friends that were visiting the town where he was and there was this girl he then met for the first time. A month after we broke up - they started seeing each other, they went on weekends together (that fast), they were buying gifts for each other, they even went public.. I had my doubts since the beginning but he was always denying them and lying. But then he confessed to me, said she was only sex ( yes, we were kind of communicating the whole time, mainly because we missed our friendship ). 6 months later, she told him she wanted a relationship, but he said to her that he couldn't let me go and that he wants to try again with me, that he never saw her as something more serious. And now we are on a track to get together again.

But... After we broke up, I was devastated. I never ever expected something like that from him,he was always taking care of me. I felt like I lost the person I was closest too and the person who cared about me the most. I had suicide thoughts, I stopped hanging out with people.. This goes deeper, because my father was an alcoholic and physically abusive but died out of lung cancer, so I grow up learning how to take care of myself and I was quite individualistic person. Until I met him. Until he became my best friend and lover and I was like Hey ,relationships can actually work, someone can actually take care of me. And I never expected anything like this from him. Never. Ever. So I had a depression episode , I took antidepressants but for two months only because they took away my concentration and focus.

He has showed me their last conversation, where he says to her that he chooses me and she says Oh give it a month with her and you will see that we are soulmates, ours was love at first sign...
I became obsessed with her, she is prettier, she is more interesting, she is 4 years older then the both of us. She has always make up on. She is everything everything I am not.

I don't recognize myself. I feel like this face is not mine, this hair is not mine so why take care of it. These toxic thoughts were never something that I had. I was a strong person, I went through a lot in my childhood, and now I am ashamed of myself. I can't stand myself. I feel like I only bother people and that I am boring. I have friends that have happy relationships and I envy them. I feel soooo guilty about that. I love them, I want them to be happy but I envy anyone who has a happy relationship now.

I feel like I am not worth it, because after a night of meeting her - he decided she is worth of throwing our relationship away. And they also became close real fast, they went on weekends together, they bought each other presents. he even came secretly for a weekend at her town to visit her.. Something he has never done for me and I was always asking for. He said that he wanted to do something rascal, that he never consider her as serious until 5 days ago he said that he remembered the time with her and he doesn't feel good. I don't know what that meant because he got angry and pulled away.
He says that he wants to end up with me, that we will work things out (we are not together, we are trying to work things out) but I am so scared that they are secretly communicating and that he will do that again and that I will not take it this time.

I love him. I don't feel joy in the things I used to, but I feel joy when I am with him. I feel like I am at home. Only sometimes home is haunted by ghosts.
 
Hardknocks88

Hardknocks88

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 26, 2020
Messages
167
Location
Murrieta, CA
Guys hello View attachment smile.gif I am new here because I needed someone to share my story with and psychiatrist are something I can't afford right now.
My whole problem begins with a break up , but please don't judge me. I know it is everyday thing and that I have to be stronger, but..

May 2019. I have had a boyfriend for 4 years, he was my best best friend. We had fun all the time, laughing, loving, everything was so easy. We didn't have to force anything. Everyone around us were saying that they wanted a relationship like ours. We had a long distance relationship, an hour away with a plane but we were seeing each other quite frequently and communicating all the time. I was during my med studies, he was studying economics there so it was actually good so we could focus on our education. Our plan was, after I finish med school, to come where he is and do my surgery specialization there. That was supposed to happen in January 2020.

Then, out of nowhere, he said that he wanted a break, but I didn't agree because I don't believe in breaks and he broke up with me. We were planning our summer vacation two days before, and just like that he decided he wanted to break up. The reason he said was because the distance was too much.. we had only 6 months left until I come there.
One week before that, he went out with friends that were visiting the town where he was and there was this girl he then met for the first time. A month after we broke up - they started seeing each other, they went on weekends together (that fast), they were buying gifts for each other, they even went public.. I had my doubts since the beginning but he was always denying them and lying. But then he confessed to me, said she was only sex ( yes, we were kind of communicating the whole time, mainly because we missed our friendship ). 6 months later, she told him she wanted a relationship, but he said to her that he couldn't let me go and that he wants to try again with me, that he never saw her as something more serious. And now we are on a track to get together again.

But... After we broke up, I was devastated. I never ever expected something like that from him,he was always taking care of me. I felt like I lost the person I was closest too and the person who cared about me the most. I had suicide thoughts, I stopped hanging out with people.. This goes deeper, because my father was an alcoholic and physically abusive but died out of lung cancer, so I grow up learning how to take care of myself and I was quite individualistic person. Until I met him. Until he became my best friend and lover and I was like Hey ,relationships can actually work, someone can actually take care of me. And I never expected anything like this from him. Never. Ever. So I had a depression episode , I took antidepressants but for two months only because they took away my concentration and focus.

He has showed me their last conversation, where he says to her that he chooses me and she says Oh give it a month with her and you will see that we are soulmates, ours was love at first sign...
I became obsessed with her, she is prettier, she is more interesting, she is 4 years older then the both of us. She has always make up on. She is everything everything I am not.

I don't recognize myself. I feel like this face is not mine, this hair is not mine so why take care of it. These toxic thoughts were never something that I had. I was a strong person, I went through a lot in my childhood, and now I am ashamed of myself. I can't stand myself. I feel like I only bother people and that I am boring. I have friends that have happy relationships and I envy them. I feel soooo guilty about that. I love them, I want them to be happy but I envy anyone who has a happy relationship now.

I feel like I am not worth it, because after a night of meeting her - he decided she is worth of throwing our relationship away. And they also became close real fast, they went on weekends together, they bought each other presents. he even came secretly for a weekend at her town to visit her.. Something he has never done for me and I was always asking for. He said that he wanted to do something rascal, that he never consider her as serious until 5 days ago he said that he remembered the time with her and he doesn't feel good. I don't know what that meant because he got angry and pulled away.
He says that he wants to end up with me, that we will work things out (we are not together, we are trying to work things out) but I am so scared that they are secretly communicating and that he will do that again and that I will not take it this time.

I love him. I don't feel joy in the things I used to, but I feel joy when I am with him. I feel like I am at home. Only sometimes home is haunted by ghosts.
I just want to cry reading this. Never was in a serious relationship my self, my relationship life is one big hot desert. But I feel the heart break , I have been catfished a number of times. Even if relationships hurt, just take a break, be alone, discover yourself and then try to socialize with people again. 😭🙏💔
 
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spurs7691

Member
Joined
Feb 25, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Hertfordshire
Hello Thatkind993. I was particularly interested reading your post and can empathize with your situation and pain. I promise you time and patience are excellent healers. It seems to me there is a huge amount of mutual love and respect and the passage of time will again cement these feelings for you alongside the journey of trust. You have hope and determination and both will rekindle. Take time to recognise yourself again whilst keeping faith and maintaining a positive outlook. Stay on the forum Thatkind993 #strongertogether
 
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pollypocket88

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 21, 2019
Messages
153
Location
england
Hi there are a strong independent women and you will find that strength again it’s hard when we let people in and they turn out not to be who you thought they were . I’m sorry your feeling this way but you do deserve better than this guy . You deserved to be treated like a queen it’s hard to know your self worth when your feeling down .

I found clearing out toxic people in your life and surrounding your self with positive kind people is a good start . Are you based in the uk ? Because you mentioned you can’t afford to see a psychiatrist your gp can refer you or a cris team or if your in the community ,
 
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Thatkind993

New member
Joined
Mar 2, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Wien
update: We were trying to work things out, right? And yesterday he said that he has been feeling again emotionally dead and doesn't feel anything(especially towards me) and bla bla bla, and wants us to come up with a solution.
And when I asked him now if we are not together will he go back to that girl he was two months ago, after us, he said Who knows ....................
I feel soooooo worthless, I feel like he saw what being with me again feels and chose her because she is so much more........ I am worthless, I can't make anyone stay or love me.
 
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spurs7691

Member
Joined
Feb 25, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Hertfordshire
You are absolutely not worthless Thatkind993 , even I can tell that by reading between the lines of your initial post. He sounds confused and unable to find a resolution. He owes you transparency and honesty and that`s the very least you deserve. He may be trying to place the emphasis on you for a decision regarding your future together. Demand he tells you exactly what he wants as you seem clearer about what you would like. This has to be about what is best for your health and wellbeing and his apparent escapism seems unreasonable. Emotions still seem turbulent and some time spent on your own with space to figure out how best to move forward could work. Decisions made whilst emotions are running loose are often wrong. You could try temporarily ceasing all contact then you will establish how much you mean to him. If he gets back in touch with you after a while then at least you will know he misses you potentially opening a door to rebuild.
 
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Thatkind993

New member
Joined
Mar 2, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Wien
turns out he has been in contact with her the whole time while ;we were trying to work things out;....
and we separated because he said he is feeling emotionally dead (again) and I have found out this about her yesterday... He even said ; I will contact you when I get better ;. wtf, why doesn't he chose her already if he wants her so much.
I know I know it is irrational but I feel so not good enough. Like he was with me, sleeping next to me, trying to work things out but in the end, he decided that she is better than me and worth it. I wasn't.
 
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spurs7691

Member
Joined
Feb 25, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Hertfordshire
You do not deserve to be treated like this. He is clearly mixed-up and keeping his options open holding on to both of you and that is unacceptable. Distance yourself from him and be prepared to let him go however difficult it may be wrestling with your emotions. You have to decide if on balance this relationship will cause you more harm than good in the long term. I feel for you and it must be impossible to know what to do for the best , but by stopping all contact with him you can establish how the passage of time makes you feel. This has to be better than how the whole situation is effecting you at the moment...………………
 
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