Anxiety and obsessive thoughts

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pink_wink

Member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
18
Location
Belgium
Hi everyone,

Please try to bear with me through my story.

I live abroad and have become isolated, dealt with some health scares, an abusive relationship, and severe burnout, and I started experiencing panic attacks. Because of the abusive relationship all these have generalized to anxiety up to the point where I need anti-anxiety meds (benzos) to get out of the house. I have been put separately on four SSRIs (Lexapro, Paxil, Zoloft, and one more), and every time I would take the first dosage, within a couple of hours I would start trembling, sweating, get extremely confused and agitated, and have the most dilated pupils that I’ve ever seen. I read that these are symptoms of serotonin toxicity, but my psychiatrist always dismissed me, saying I didn’t have it because my initial dosage was low. On the other hand, I’m also a very tiny woman. I even took pics of my dilated pupils to prove my point, but my concerns were dismissed with the “it takes 2-4 weeks for these to work, you have to ride it out etc.” which I absolutely couldn’t do because I would get so confused and sweaty and agitated that I wouldn't even know which country I was in. Right now I am taking benzos as a temporary solution, and they work well...

The biggest fear that plagues me is a practical one: if my condition is so debilitating, who will take care of me? My parents are old, and mental issues are taboo in my home country, so I cannot seek medical help there. My condition would not be considered a disability and would not be covered by the medical system; the unemployment benefits are so low that I probably spend that monthly amount in a couple of days here abroad. I’m currently in a new relationship, and I am seeking medical and psych help here abroad. However, I honestly do not know if I will be able to support myself financially, without the generous help of my partner.

So I’m really wondering who will help me out. I have read a lot of stories about people who went through anxiety, and panic attacks, and agoraphobia, and they recovered as time went by, but they all had a support network! I literally have one person who helps me and that’s it. I have a sister who is doing well but hates me with a passion, because she thinks I’ve always been the preferred kid in the family, and went as far as saying I should just commit suicide and not be a burden on the family. I have some distant relatives whom I’ve tried to keep in touch with, but they haven't shown much interest recently. Although everyone was really eager to get in touch with me when I had my high-powered career before my burnout.

Although I am quite young and ideally I will have time to sort myself out, I have these obsessive thoughts that my current partner will leave me, that I will be forced to return to my parents and live off the help of neighbors, or that I will roam homeless on the streets, be raped or who knows what… Now many will probably say: get another job! I had a well-paid job until last year when my burnout hit me, and I started having anxiety just opening my email or going near my laptop. Right now I’ve sent a couple of applications, but it’s going extremely slow because after each application sent, I do not sleep for days waiting for the response. So I continually obsess that I will end up alone, penniless, and homeless, and this thought consumes me almost all day every day.

Thank you all for your understanding, advice, and ideas.
 
Cpt_Stunning

Cpt_Stunning

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
550
Location
Plymouth
I have read it, & no it doesn't matter where you are in the world, there is no support network for overcoming anxiety & agoraphobia in the world. I really believe that.

I am British, if I break my arm or leg, I go to hospital, & I have an operation, & I don't have to pay.

I have anxiety or agoraphobia, but no-one can help me but myself even in the UK, people don't like it if I'm 'refusing' to leave my house, no doctor can help, the only person who can help me is myself.

I've been forcing the issue for the last few years, & it really does work, just going outside for 5 minutes longer each day, & going to new places, it really does work. The only person who can do that is you.
 
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pink_wink

Member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
18
Location
Belgium
Hi @Cpt_Stunning thanks for the reply, I also appreciated your reply in the Introduction post.

I assume that you are receiving some sort of state support? Also, am I correct in assuming that you live in a fairly well-known area, and have some neighbors / family around?

Unfortunately I live in a new country in a busy city and simply cannot go around the block, I have to take buses, trains etc. and I cannot do it unless I have taken my anti-anxiety meds.

I guess what I am trying to say and what I am contemplating are two options: pump myself with pills and work any jobs, save as much money as I can, and risk a burnout and anxiety that I may never psychologically recover from, but have some financial resources, or try to take it easy with the support of my partner and ease back into things without meds. But the problem with the latter option is that my partner can too leave me (I have had separation anxiety from being away from my family), which is why I keep on asking what will I do if I'm left alone? Unfortunately I have made a plan in my head that if I will end up alone and still agoraphobic, I will commit suicide :(
 
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