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Anxiety and me at Xmas



New member
Dec 26, 2018
Anxiety and me on Xmas day

I wake up at about 8:30 on Xmas morning alone, my husband is at work. I lay there, mind racing already ‘catastrophising’ telling myself about everything bad that WILL happen.

We are going to my husband’s mums for dinner. I feel so guilty, I already ‘know’ the day isn’t going to end well. I already ‘know’ I am going to have to leave early, I already ‘know’ I am going to have a panic attack. I already ‘know’ I’m going to ruin everyone’s Xmas.

Why am I doing this? I have been awake barely a minute and I’m already talking myself in to a full blown panic. Already making up excuses in my head.

I lay there for a while and after a while my brain starts to think a bit more logical.
It’s only dinner at the in laws where I’ve been to countless times and have been fine but why is Xmas day so different?

However as much as my brain tries to get me to think logical, I can’t shake this overwhelming thought of being trapped. Why is Xmas day making me feel trapped?

After a while I get up as dwelling on these thoughts isn’t helping me. I try to distract myself by playing the Xbox, however the thoughts are still there. I am still thinking the worst. Thinking of an escape plan.... I even call the taxi firm to find out if they are running and how long I am likely to have to wait for a cab if I suddenly need to leave. 10 mins they say the wait will likely be, I am now worrying is 10 mins too long? Can I cope that long? Of course In reality I can but still I am telling myself I can’t.

My heart is still racing so I go back to the Xbox to try and distract my thoughts. Before I know it my husband comes home from work and we need to start getting ready. We are getting picked up at 13:30. Anxiety is really starting to kick in now....

My thoughts turn to immediate relief. I know i have diazepam in the drawer for emergencies. Is this an emergency? I haven’t taken one in 5 months as I know they can be addictive. Eventually I decide the pressure of Xmas is too much and take two (2mg each). As soon as I wash them down with water I feel guilty. Why did I take them? Using this safety behaviour has just reinforced my negative thoughts. I feel like I’ve let myself down. How will I know if what I thought would happen... will? How will I learn to cope with my anxiety if at the first sign of a panic attack I pop a pill.

What’s done is done and I just need to focus on getting ready as we are getting picked up soon.

13: 30pm comes and we get picked up, I feel ok but I know that’s the diazepam taking effect.

Dinner is served at 3:30 and I still feel ok and eat a delicious Xmas dinner. Up until about 4.20 I feel ok but then all of a sudden out of no where it hits me. I’m going to have a panic attack. Immediately I get my phone out and start texting my husband who is only 5 feet away from me that we need to go.

I make an excuse to leave the game we were playing, I go upstairs to the bathroom to make out I’m going to the toilet but actually I am calling a cab to see how long the wait is.... 10 mins they say again and once again I’m thinking can I last that long?

Finally my husband reads his messages and comes to check if I’m ok. I burst in to tears and say that I need to leave. I feel awful, I feel I’ve ruined his Xmas, this is the first Xmas we have spent with his family and I’ve just cut it short.

We go downstairs and make an excuse and leave. The taxi came after 10 mins and we go home. We had only been at the in laws for 3 hours which probably felt like no time at all for everyone else but for me it felt like so much longer. When you are having a panic attack, even 5 minutes seems like an hour.

When we get home I call my mum to let her know we aren’t going to my brothers after my husbands family which was the original plan. As always she is completely understanding. I still feel guilty. Guilty that we eat and ran at the in laws, guilty that we didn’t go to my brothers to see my family and most of all guilty that I feel I have ruined Xmas for my husband.

I know he didn’t mind as he is the most supportive partner you could ever wish for but I still can’t help feel like it’s ANOTHER thing I’ve cut short for him and ANOTHER thing I’ve stopped us doing.

I eventually calm down after being home for a while and we go to bed early.

Xmas 2018 is just a Xmas day I want to forget....
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