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Anxiety and depression are turning me into someone I don’t wanna be

A

Anxiouswreck

New member
Joined
Dec 23, 2020
Messages
3
Location
USA
hi this is my first time posting here and I would really appreciate advice since I find it so hard to open up to people that I know.
I’ve had anxiety since I was little, it’s always kept me up at night or made me not wanna go to school, but as grew up (turning 20 in may) my anxiety has seeped it’s way into every aspect of my life, the years of being scared and sad and disconnected have taken their toll on me I feel like a zombie walking around sometimes, I try so hard to be the boy everyone expects me to be but the panic inside my brain somehow takes over without me realizing, I get so irritable and paranoid and sometimes just flat out mean :( I’ve been dating this great girl who’s always so kind and patient to me but I keep letting my anxiety and depression get in the way of being happy with her. I keep getting it wrong. I’m so ashamed of myself cause I’m turning into exactly what I don’t wanna be. I’ve witnessed the way my dad treated my mom so poorly and my ex girlfriend treated me even worse. I find myself being mean just because inside I can’t take the pressure inside my head, my ex would constantly be telling me what to do and what not to do and would act annoyed at me for almost no reason, I constantly felt like I wasn’t enough. I don’t want my girl to feel that way, I don’t wanna treat her unfairly cause of how I feel inside. how do I control my emotions when everything is just so damn frustrating? How do I open up to someone who just wants me to take pills and talk to professional. I get so scared to talk to her cause I go on these big rants and really try to let her know how I feel, but at the end she always just says “you should really go see a therapist I bet they’ll prescribe you something quick” she’s doesn’t get that i don’t wanna rely on a drug and I don’t wanna talk to a therapist, therapists always end up being just another person that I’m afraid to open up to. Am I crazy for feeling that way? I feel stuck, I just wanna be a great boyfriend and son and brother but it’s so hard when all I can think about is the state of the world, and how I might die, and how many people have COVID around me, and how many germs are on everything. Please help I don’t wanna be just another toxic person in this world.
 
OmniscientNihilist

OmniscientNihilist

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 9, 2020
Messages
1,748
Location
Canada
your not in the world, the world is in you. its all in the mind bro!

fear of shame

ashamed of shame

ashamed of fear

anxiety is the brain being scared of itself.

thats why the monks go deep within.

 
C

celticlass

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2011
Messages
924
Location
Scotland
And I don't think you are going to be! You show awareness of the issues and you want to make your life and things better. I don't want to say the wrong thing here but you are still quite young and your brain has not finished maturing just yet. Now this is a good thing because it gives you room to start moving in a different direction. Some say we become what we think and we attract those things we worry about. And I wonder looking back on my life if this is true. I certainly had an anxious personality at 15/19 years of age. Now the girlfriend - she doesn't seem to be quite getting it but I cannot really blame her for advising you to go to a therapist or get a prescription. The thing is if the two of you are not on the same page with helping each other with your problems etc then why bother?! On medication well it can be a wee bit tricky in a young person. It also does not allow you to experience your maturing years authentically. That said, medication can calm us and improve our life outlook to enable us to make wise choices which will make for greater life happiness.
 
A

Anxiouswreck

New member
Joined
Dec 23, 2020
Messages
3
Location
USA
your not in the world, the world is in you. its all in the mind bro!

fear of shame

ashamed of shame

ashamed of fear

anxiety is the brain being scared of itself.

thats why the monks go deep within.

Thanks for the reply ! I appreciate the outlook, I’ll try to start looking deep within myself and making peace in my mind
 
A

Anxiouswreck

New member
Joined
Dec 23, 2020
Messages
3
Location
USA
And I don't think you are going to be! You show awareness of the issues and you want to make your life and things better. I don't want to say the wrong thing here but you are still quite young and your brain has not finished maturing just yet. Now this is a good thing because it gives you room to start moving in a different direction. Some say we become what we think and we attract those things we worry about. And I wonder looking back on my life if this is true. I certainly had an anxious personality at 15/19 years of age. Now the girlfriend - she doesn't seem to be quite getting it but I cannot really blame her for advising you to go to a therapist or get a prescription. The thing is if the two of you are not on the same page with helping each other with your problems etc then why bother?! On medication well it can be a wee bit tricky in a young person. It also does not allow you to experience your maturing years authentically. That said, medication can calm us and improve our life outlook to enable us to make wise choices which will make for greater life happiness.
Thanks for showing me an outside perspective, I really do feel like I can change how I think and react to the world but sometimes I literally just forget that I need to . And my girlfriend is the one who sees that the most cause I spend the most time with her, also she is on medication herself and we both butt heads sometimes, it’s like our sadness feeds off of one another and the stress doubles for both of us. I wanna be able to break that cycle.
 
P

potatoes26

Member
Joined
Dec 5, 2020
Messages
7
Location
california
I don’t think you’re a toxic person. You’re very self aware and it’s normal to not want to rely on pills or therapy. I was exactly like this until I hit my second all time low since my suicide attempt at 13, at 21 (I’m 26 now). I tried therapy for like 5 sessions and hated it. A couple years later I tried medicine for a couple of months and hated It. Then a couple years after that I started over and tried therapy and pills (still doing today), It’s helped me somewhat but I’ll always be depressed but I feel good knowing that I’ve tried my hardest to get happier.
I hate to say this but I have friends who are depressed and it’s very hard to listen to someone who is unhappy and won’t do anything about it. I’ve been this person many times and eventually I realized no one wants to be around me much and no one can help me but me, it’s my life and no one else will “fix it” for me but me. So your girlfriend telling you to see someone is her way of telling you that she cares but she can’t do anything for you, it’s gotta come from within you.
 
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