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Antisocial personality disorder? Or not

Nina1997

Nina1997

New member
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
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4
Location
Southampton
Hello, everyone! I’m not sure where I should post this or if I should even post it.

I will start by saying that during my teenage years I got diagnosed with a personality disorder, doctor saying it is too early to say which one(wtf). Anyways, I’ve always been a troubled kid and teenager, always getting in fights, stealing from shops, I was always angry and agitated and I still am but now I am able to hide it better as I’ve gotten used to it. I know right and wrong and I want to believe I’m a good person, I really do, we all want that deep down, but at the same time I am smart enough to notice and know that my behaviour isn’t normally and healthy.

I’ve always felt different, but used to think everyone else is just like me but hiding it better. Not getting what I want when I want to is driving me absolutely insane to the point where I could actually physically hurt someone and it scares me. With all of my ex boyfriends I have constantly tried to make them feel inferior, worthless, ugly, stupid. It’s like a need, an urge to do that and I can’t control it. I have a constant need to remind others that I’m better and more worthy, that my existence is superior.

I’ve known a guy now for a year and we’re just friends, he is constantly sending me money, doing everything I want(most of the times) and I have never given him anything in return, I have humiliated him and called him ugly and fat and pathetic( after of course, making him fall for me) and I feel no remorse or guilt. If anything, I only want to hurt him more. I hate myself for being this way now.

I used to think I’m so cool and smart, but I feel terribly bored and depressed lately. I’m afraid I will never feel love or joy, my heart is full of hate and anger 99% of the time and it is painful sometimes. I wanna know if anyone else had ever experienced any of this. I have been like this my whole life and finally starting to understand that other people aren’t the same as me as I used to think... other people are generally loving and good.
 
00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)

00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)

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Do you have any friends that treat this way? Because maybe it isn't as bad as you think it is?
 
00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)

00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)

Well-known member
Joined
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Messages
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Location
My house
As for the way you're feeling I believe that even when someone gets angry that they always end up happy again. I have long bouts of anger that worry me sometimes, that my happiness will dwindle. Maybe you can take a break from these behaviors. You'll probably feel better.

Take care.
And welcome to the forum.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Jan 4, 2013
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19,506
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Hi Nina,
I was full of anger and hate, and blamed everyone else. I was sectioned and put on anti-psychotics.
I decided if I was to get out of hospital I needed to change to how I once was kind and caring.
Therapy can help.
I have let go of the past.
Hope you heal very soon.
Hugs
 
Nina1997

Nina1997

New member
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Southampton
Hi Nina,
I was full of anger and hate, and blamed everyone else. I was sectioned and put on anti-psychotics.
I decided if I was to get out of hospital I needed to change to how I once was kind and caring.
Therapy can help.
I have let go of the past.
Hope you heal very soon.
Hugs
I’m afraid therapy won’t help me, I’ve never been any other way or happy to begin with lol.
 

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