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ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER AND SPECULATIONS

L

Luxi

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Joined
Nov 23, 2021
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wroclaw
I have been diagnosed with anything nor I have been to a shrink. Observing my life, behaviours and patterns have to come to the conclusions I'm an evil person due to these sick personality disorders. Never had a girlfriend {I,m 21}, engage alcohol and drug abuse, although I slowed down on drugs to detox for my health, hence the believe that I have no regard for my own health, promoscuias behavior with no protection despite knowing consequences. Problems regarding money and not keeping obligations [I owe money but and plan to give back first thing I make my paypad. Chronically feel boredom or sometimes emptiness. I tend to deavalute people that caused me harm and Idolize people that I Like, but the fact Is I dont really have an Idol expect my uncle or some celebrities. Dreams of wealth, power and, I love animals and I feel suffering when they do. Constant job problems[ had over 4-5 jobs in the past 6 months or so. The point is I am a shitty human being but I dontn want to, narcissism is a part of me but what makes me heartbroken is most people I know are worts narcissists. For example I used to not give a fuck about my actions, but now I always blame myself and take responsibility, I really want to believe that love will be found for me, I just really dont think my illness can change. I have a lot of empathy and tear up to some things, this is something sociopath dont have. Very incosistent behavior and problems with identity. My goals are to an actor, have my own bussiness which I've attempted with e-commerce last year or I enjoy cooking and relaxes me, point is any average job is a depression streak for me, was supossed to go to work today( just started amazon) and bailed. I have little regard for rules, police or doing what other people do. Maybe its because my rebelious personality aka AQUARIUS haha. Please give me some tips, this APD is a curse and I really believe hell is a place for people like me, I want to be a good person not evil, If my assesment is right that a relieve becaause I suspected it a year ago, changed from me thinking I'm a borderline wich might be true, the behaviours were very severe months ago, I even self harmed one time but decided from that moment its a sick thing to do. Please give me tips as this disoders is for life, and if it is for life means there is no hope for not being a evil human being. There is not evena referrance for people with this, I have an intrest in assesing diagnosis on serial killers and film characters as my awareness is pretty good. Not being intrested in psychology I would be a shitty piece of a human but I'm glad to say I did everything in my power to help myself, it was worse. The less i read online about ''people like me' the better I function I am mortified as this disoderd gets stigmatized and demonized. I think I also suffer from deppression. Please help me, is there any way I can repent for the sins of my brain and personality? I am getting ready mentally to go to therapy soon but I am scared, just the though of sitting down and talking to someone reinformes that I'm a sick sick person and I wanna makes me cry, the decisions Is mine beacuse I was the one that wants it but its very scary. Reapeating the word I also probably makes me a narcissist how else should I DESCRIBE everything. Feeling lost hence the is no cure and people with it usually end up dead, prison, or alone forever, I dont really like people but a lot of introverts feel that way, and most people arent good at all, believe me from meeting loads of people
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Jul 31, 2020
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7,315
Location
Canada
Welcome to the forum. There are some people here who might be able to understand your experiences and help you understand them too, or at least offer a little support.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Jun 4, 2021
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I can see in your words how much all this creates anxiety and confusion in you.
Perhaps what you are really missing is psychiatric help, which might give you a guide to understand yourself as well as clarifying your ideas.
I'm diagnosed aspd but that doesn't scares me, neither surprises me, but sometimes it makes me feel alone.
I suggest you not to pay too much attention to what the media say on psychiatry matter.
Most of what they say is bullshit and based on movies.
I too have had a troubled childhood, I've stolen constantly, tried to kill cat at 8, delusions of control, alcohol issues, I'm selfish, I lie, no empathy, nothing I do/did wrong is my fault or responsibility, etc ... and so?
If I had to listen to what the media portray about this I should be a serial killer at this point.
Yet we are all different, no matter the labels, and each person can take different paths despite having the same life/situations, unfortunately many don't perhaps have the means to change or a valid reason.
Try not to lose faith in the future, if you are so afraid and you feel so bad, and you feel empathy, it means you may still have time to find your way.
The fact you don't have a girlfriend (at 21 you are still very young anyway) isn't a tragedy. Surely time will come for you too.
However my advice is to see a therapist, since just him could give you a diagnosis or at least an answer on what's going on.
Good luck
 
L

Luxi

New member
Joined
Nov 23, 2021
Messages
2
Location
wroclaw
I can see in your words how much all this creates anxiety and confusion in you.
Perhaps what you are really missing is psychiatric help, which might give you a guide to understand yourself as well as clarifying your ideas.
I'm diagnosed aspd but that doesn't scares me, neither surprises me, but sometimes it makes me feel alone.
I suggest you not to pay too much attention to what the media say on psychiatry matter.
Most of what they say is bullshit and based on movies.
I too have had a troubled childhood, I've stolen constantly, tried to kill cat at 8, delusions of control, alcohol issues, I'm selfish, I lie, no empathy, nothing I do/did wrong is my fault or responsibility, etc ... and so?
If I had to listen to what the media portray about this I should be a serial killer at this point.
Yet we are all different, no matter the labels, and each person can take different paths despite having the same life/situations, unfortunately many don't perhaps have the means to change or a valid reason.
Try not to lose faith in the future, if you are so afraid and you feel so bad, and you feel empathy, it means you may still have time to find your way.
The fact you don't have a girlfriend (at 21 you are still very young anyway) isn't a tragedy. Surely time will come for you too.
However my advice is to see a therapist, since just him could give you a diagnosis or at least an answer on what's going on.
Good luck
I never met my faTHER, but my childhood was great. My mother aunt and uncle gave me everything, and I dont blame them. I blame the society and bad people I met and lost freindships. Its like nothing makes sense that im sick, I had a great life till I was about 16/17 then I just grew up quite quickly, been also beat up like 4 times for no reason in the city, multiple places. Got a hard psyche, but when it happened to me first time it was hard. Point is no one will really know what caused everything, or maybe I'm normal and this is just me bs. I have a tendency to overthink like crazy and exagurate or be paranoid
 
T E_90

T E_90

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2021
Messages
239
Location
__
I never met my faTHER, but my childhood was great. My mother aunt and uncle gave me everything, and I dont blame them. I blame the society and bad people I met and lost freindships. Its like nothing makes sense that im sick, I had a great life till I was about 16/17 then I just grew up quite quickly, been also beat up like 4 times for no reason in the city, multiple places. Got a hard psyche, but when it happened to me first time it was hard. Point is no one will really know what caused everything, or maybe I'm normal and this is just me bs. I have a tendency to overthink like crazy and exagurate or be paranoid
Sometimes close 'friends' and wrong people we meet, can harm who we are,
all the efforts of our parents to raise us.
I think that if you are suffering so much, and it's obvious from the experiences that you've described (which in my opinion, seems like a way to release anger).
You could try to understand where all this behavior of yours comes from, perhaps deeply down, there's a reason that you don't know yet.

For me, trying to understand where my 'disorder' comes from (I still don't think of it as a disorder but more as a part of my character, of who I am, with it's advantages and disadvantages) and writing about my thoughts, my explanations of it, (particularly in this post) helped me to put together pieces of the puzzle, in order to control it and avoid doing what I would really like to do (and being prompted many times to do it when it took over).
I too was convinced that my childhood had been rosy and without any major events
(even now I sometimes think it wasn't that bad), until the day I started remembering things differently, with also the psych help.
All these memories that I've reconstructed in my head, have actually been distorted and modified by it, into something better, more acceptable. To this day I don't remember much.
I've had confirmation of this from family members and friends, who have told me things in a very different way than I remembered.

The psychiatrist, as an explanation, gave me, among other things, dissociation (DID),
in which you create a new person, in a different/better life, which would make sense of my memory lapses about my childhood and sometimes (when I'm out and have these urges)
I have the feeling of having a different person, a darker one, taking over my mind.
But still, it's hard for me to accept that.
In my mind (as I've seen in others like myself) no major problems occurred during my childhood, and I'm perfectly sound.
The other explanation psych gave me, is anger towards my mother for lying to me about my father and hiding it for so many years (which I disagree, as I have no resentment towards her).

I don't think you should brush this off as a mental whim for no reason, I'm not even suggesting that you might have or don't have a serious issue, but I think a psychiatric evaluation might be helpful in giving you guidance and a starting point.
You have probably reached a point in your life where your brain have enough of everything,
you no longer know what to do and what you are, confusing you.
You've said you were beaten up, which is not a pleasant experience.
It surely didn't help. In a way it made you tougher, but in the other it damaged your mind even more, and now after all this time it created consequences.
 
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