- Mar 21, 2017
I've been dealing with this phobia for more than half of my life and honestly I'm sick of it. I don't have anyone I could talk to about this and I feel like such an outcast. I was abused as a child by my parents, my aunt and my classmates. And I was a very sensitive kid where you could really hurt me by just saying that I'm weird or stupid. My parents didn't really let me "be a kid", if you could even say that, they didn't let me feel. When I was crying or was afraid or even when I was laughing they were calling me a retard or they made fun of me. So I learned that I can never show any emotions in front of people. And that's probably why I could never make any friends at school and some of them started bullying me because "I was weird" and I had to deal with all of this by myself (when I went for help to my parents they said I'm pathetic). But that wasn't the worst part. I was born when my parents were still very young and they didn't want to have kids but... I happened and... sometimes I felt as if they were taking out their anger and frustration on me because I ruined their life. They often called me awful names and made me self-conscious. And my father'd rather "knock some sense into me" than let me know what I did wrong by kicking my back a few times and slapping my back when he was finished (when he was about to beat me I used to sit on the floor and tried to cover myself). Also my aunt used to strip my lower half naked before hitting me and it was really humiliating. So then came the time when I started being afraid of people (even just one person) and I started isolating myself so no one can hurt me. But I'm so sick of it I don't want to be afraid anymore but I can't help it. Whenever I see someone I start panicking and I want to get as far away as possible. And I would like to see that I'm not alone because I've been feeling lonely for the past 12 years now. I would like to hear someone out who's feeling like me. I don't want to feel like an outcast anymore.