Answers

[matt]

I am convince I was married to a woman with a disorder. Try to keep the story short. We met and she was wonderful, maybe to wonderful. Nice,smart, seemed sincere at the time, great family. I did notice she had almost no female friends. We never had disagreements. we were happy.
We were to marry a year and a half later. she refused to invite any of her coworkers to the wedding...most of them were men.Two weeks before the wedding I contacted an STD. I should have caught on at that point.
6 months into the marriage I arrived home after work to find her father at my home, he stated my wife had called him and told him she would be late home from work and that he should keep me company until she arrived home. Long story short she was out having sex with another man.
The affairs kept coming and it did not matter with who she had the affairs. When the smallest thing comes along that upsets her in life she has an affair. My marriage ended after 7 affairs. She was also this way before she met me.
She would always bring up the mans name in conversation she was having an affiar with before the affair was found out. She has never had a relationship that she did not cheat on her partener. She thinks all the men she has had affairs with are her best friends in life. She hugs them and flirts with them at every chance.
She left me for a friend of her families . She was having sex with him when she was a teenager and before I had met her. He was married and had children during their affair before I met her. she emailed me and Told me after moving in with him she had changed her ways and he had saved her from our terrible marriage. she stated she would never cheat on him. 6 months later I received another email from her telling me about this great guy at the place she works.She had an affair with him. a few months later she arrived at my house, upset with he boyfriends daughter. She seemed like a person I had never met! The conversation changed from being upset with the daughter to "do you want to have sex with me"? At that moment she seemed so disconcerned with everything and everyone, she went on to explain having sex with me would make her feel better.
Other things in her life. She flirts with every male! age does not matter. She always get fired from her jobs. She can not deal with any type of pain, this includes emtional and physical. Nothing is ever her fault. she does not care if she hurts other people, she will tell you that! She seems to live two lives almost, many in town think she is a wonderful person, those that have experianced what she can do to someone think very differant. She has been all but disowned by her family and holds me to blame for that because her family and I are still close. She hates me at this point but still thinks I should do anything she requests........ ANY IDEAS?

 

[jdoe123]

Border

Borderline Personalty Disorder. Main diagnosing characteristic is manipulation to gain something(emotional satisfaction or otherwise)and self destruction. . There is a book about it " I hate you ...don't leave me." by Dr. Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus. You should google it and compare the personality traits.

 

[matt]

About two years ago we went counseling, the Doctor told her wanted to see her alone and said she had issues she needed to work on. At that point the Doctor went out of his way to make sure the marriage was over then looked at me and said, "someday you may understand, I will warn you at some point she will be trying to get your attention again and be involved with you. I advise you against letting her do so" .
He never did mention what he wanted to see her for or what her issues could be. At times she seems histrionic but does not fit the catagory completely. What stuns me is the lack of empathy and the ability to hurt others with out a care in doing so. I will goggle borderline..... thanks.

 

[jdoe123]

book

ok, heres an excerpt from the book.pg34.

."Impulsive, self destructive acts(or threats) may result from a wish to punish another person, often a close relation. One woman consistently described her promiscuous behavior(often invovling masochistic, degrading rituals) to her boyfriend. These affairs invariably occured when she was angry and wanted to punish him."

DSM IV TR

Borderline: A pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self image, affects and control over impulses.

Histrionic: A pervasive pattern of excessive emotion and attention seeking.

Based on the infidelity ..that makes me think Borderline. I think Histrionic is more " I don't feel good" ....Why don't you love me anymore?" I can't stop crying etc....This is just my amatuer opinion though...I am sorry to hear about the pain she has and seems to still put you through.

 

[matt]

I tend to agree with your point and what you say, I will google it and let ya know, at this point in life I have entered another relationship .....that was an eyeopener! My GF is a normal person....no drama...no repeat issues.... just a normal relationship.....seems I had almost forgotten there was such a thing!
As for the X .... we tend to do what is needed to get her out of our lives....we try to do it in a nice and adult way.

 

[jdoe123]

good

good job and congrats.

 

[matt]

Borderlines

I searched what you suggested on my lunch hour.....I also searched related items. All seems to fit like a glove. I bookmarked a page that has a form on it posted by people who have lived with Borderlines..... every one of the stories I read on this forum had my attention. Most of them say the same thing, Borders are very easy to love when things are "right"....and make your life a living hell when things are "wrong". Most have broken up with there Border parteners and yet say they miss the good times they had with them. Most also go on to say they wish there was a good way to control them. Stories of revenge by Borders are comman too. I also saw relationships with borders start out great and progress into chaos then fail. My best advise would be that if the issues continue to rule your life in a relationship with a Border, Run Forest Run! That can be tough for some to comprehend.......

 

[jdoe123]

For

The run Forest run thing is funny!!!!

 

[Twylight]

Borderline personality disorder seems to be the result of a lack of love or even an abusive childhood

Try not to take it personally

 

[Twylight]

Borderline personality disorder seems to be the result of a lack of love or even an abusive childhood

Try not to take it personally

I've noticed that a lot of borderlines are in their mid to late twenties

I was wondering if there was a connection between BPD and the mass unemployment during the eighties - which their parents might have suffered ?

 

[matt]

My ex-wife was 29 years old when she left the marriage for the man she was having an affair with as a teenager. She grew up in a very loving and close family. She has 2 sisters, both of them are older than my ex-wife.
Times were hard for them in the 80's. Father in law was not home most of the week due to his job location. According to father in law they lived week to week on paychecks. They were not poor but they did not have good cars etc.
There was an issue that happened that effected the family. The house caught fire and burned down.They lost everything. No one was injured ....but to this day my ex-wife over reacts when she hears the words house fire. Ex-wife was 7 or 8 years old when it happened .
Ex-wife's older sisters are normal people and very good loving people.They both have husbands and children and are doing well. They both live in very nice house's. There was no abuse in the house they grew up in. I can tell you this and I find it interesting. I will use my ex-wifes affairs as a true example. The first affair caused my father in law to be angry and upset with his daughter. They stopped over to our house and read her the riot act. He then asked me to go for a walk with him. During the walk he apologized for her actions and then said this " She has been a liar her whole life, I suggest you end the marriage and move on in life". I did not take his advise.
Her next affair came soon after,at that point her sisters became very angry and withdrawn from her, her mother was heart broken, her father was silent and acted as if nothing happened. He remained a best friend to me . The sisters told me that whatever my ex-wife did wrong while growing up was swept under the carpet and NEVER talked about.She was never scolded, grounded or anything.
A month or so after her second affair her two sisters asked her out to lunch. They had a long talk with the ex and tried to point out what the damage was to the family and me after her affairs. This all happened in the year 2002. My wife came home from the lunch date very angry! She thinks they were rotten sisters for wanting to talk about it. As of last week....six years after the lunch date, The ex still brings up the issue and defends herself. I will quote her " whats the big deal? why can't people drop this issue? it was only sex with another man, why did they have to give me shit about it?" .
Strange as it may sound.....no one has talked about the lunch date for years except the ex. She is the one that never let it go.She can not face reality of pain in any manner.
As of January of this year her father was home dying of cancer. He and his family invited me over to spend his last few weeks of life with them. The ex was not there. Finally her oldest sister called her and told her to get her ass to her parents house. I went over almost everyday and spent weekends there too. The ex started coming over and acted like it was a party not a farewell. Her way of dealing. Her sisters asked where her boyfriend was and she said he was to busy to bother with this.
I think it may be learned behavior from the way she was raised as a child, meaning she does not expect to get in trouble for her actions. Black and white to her seems to be pivoting on when people are hurt by her or critical of her. She seems to think she is entitled to not get in trouble for anything.
BTW...as of last night she texted me and told me I needed to take some items of hers to her mothers because she needed them, ex lives 9 miles away from me and I told her the house would be open and stop by to get the items....she replied she could not because it would hurt her to see the dogs we had together and to see the house. And "no" I will not take the items to her mothers.....I do not cater to the ex anymore. She is not really my ex either, she filed for divorce almost three years ago and to this day has done nothing more....just filed....when I prompt her to finish with it she says she is to busy..... hmmmm ...she has been unemployed for 7 months now. So in ending I do not take it personal in my opinion.....I do realize at this point I should avoid her .

 

[Twylight]

I has a girlfriend with BPD before I understood it

She would fall in love with almost every man she met - it was a very painfull experience - she always had to be the centre of attention

Took me ages to get over it

 

[matt]

Well it took me two years to recover . I have seen her flirt with a boy as young as 5....I do not mean she was nice to him ....she flirted with him. She craves attention to the point she goes out of her way to get the attention of any man she knows or does not know. Men she has cheated with are considered "very special" to her. It became difficult for me to go in public with her due to this happening all the time. I am glad I do not have to deal with it any more.

 

[Twylight]

Be Strong matt