Answers on bpd?

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Cman81

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#1
Hello I joined to aske some questions about bpd. I was dating a girl who was undiagnosed bpd, but her mom is diagnosed bpd/ bipolar. So we dated off and on for over 2 1/2 years. At first everything was great, and instantly fell in love but after 4 months you could see a change. She was short, irritable, and started pushing me. She would accuse me of cheating and almost make things that didn’t happen up in her head. That lasted a few weeks and she abruptly ended it, and I found out she cheated on me. Instantly I was dead to her and she quickly got with someone else, but after 5 weeks she called me missing me. For those five weeks she took risks, became super social, and very sexually active. So we got back together, and almost the exact same time frame, the same thing happened. Once again after five weeks she called me up. When we got back together it pretty we had a baby and lasted longer, but then it started with the pushing away, and mood swings, and accusations, so I asked her to leave. She instantly hated me, and and once again became reckless, sexually risky, and the same old same old. We have been broken up 3 weeks now and do I need to worry about her calling me back up? Does the cycle ever end? She has admitted to needing help before, but when she gets like this, I’m the one who needs help. Is this common? Thank you
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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#2
Hi Cman

:welcome: to the forum

It sounds like a very precarious and volatile situation that you're in with your partner/ex. It must seem very confusing for you when the whole cycle of moods etc take off and you're almost back to strangers.

I am diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder also. And I won't lie to you, moods are definitely a problem..

It's all very black and white really. Either things are brilliant and going great, or we are depressed and suicidal. There is NO middle ground..

So once a negative hits, everything gets blown away. Love turns to hate, happy turns to depressed, wanting to be with you turns to only trusting yourself and pushing everyone else away. .

From a BPD point of view, for me - these extremes emotionally are the most difficult to conquer. They are like a pendulum where it swings top left to right but never stops in the middle.

So my belief is that she really does need to see a therapist if at all possible. She probably hates herself for behaving the way she does, but finds it too hard to control. I'm not making an excuse for all the terrible stress she has put you through, but inside, she must be hurting too..

I think unless she acknowledges her problem and agrees to accept help, it's unlikely she will be able to change herself. So my advice is, if/when she comes back, try and talk to her properly and show her the patterns in her behaviour. Tell her (yet again) how upsetting it is for you, and although you do love her (if you do) that she must agree to at least try and get help before ye commit to each other again.... Or something like this that would suit your situation.

I hope it works out for you....

Take care :)
 
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Cman81

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#3
Thank you so much. Just on schedule she has settled down and is now trying to get back together. I’m slowly trying to show her the pattern of it all. I’m in love with her, and want to try, but she’s just so unsure on therapy, and just wants to go to marriage counseling. I know that’s not what we need, but still willing to go. It’s so hard to watch as an outsider, but I know it has to be worse for her. I’m going to be reassuring and positive toward it all, and I don’t want her to go at it alone, but without therapy I know how it will be.
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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#4
You're such a lovely person for her to be with... Sometimes I feel only a Saint could put up with us, but I'm lucky to have a really supportive husband too. I don't always let him in..... Sometimes I just need to be by myself and not share what's going on. But I know he's there. Sounds like you are very much the same..

When I first went to my GP and she recommended therapy immediately I was SO nervous. I didn't know what I'd say.....how I'd say it or if I even wanted to say anything at all!

It took so much time for me to build up trust when I did decide to go. I tested her on many occasions as I had an overwhelming need to be reassured that she really wanted to see me... It's hard.... But I'm with her since August 2015 - see her every week and slowly things start to change.....it is very slow work though.

Maybe your partner might be completely different and fly in and out of therapy.....but she really should try it . Even just commit to 3 sessions so she has an escape if she needs it.

If she is too afraid to take this route well I suppose you could try and incorporate it into the marriage counseling... Either way, talking is much better than not!

Go with your gut feeling and see where it takes you :)
 
megirl

megirl

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#5
I am really impressed that you have such good insight and actively seeking help for your partner
She is so fortunate to have you in her life.
You're such a caring person
It is really difficult
Therapy is the key really.
If she can see the negative impact this is having on her life,and those around her.
That actually life can be better,that through therapy, she can get to understand why she has these feelings and emotions,learning triggers,and learning how to cope overall
Wish all the best
 
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Cman81

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#6
It’s hard to give up on someone you love. We start therapy next Tuesday. I’m hoping that it works out. I really want to stand by her side, and I’m really trying to be optimistic about this. For a month I’ve read up, and studied so much on bpd over the last few weeks I’m better prepared to try this, and see where it goes. I know it won’t be easy, but I know it’ll be worth it. Even if we don’t work out, I just hope she can at least get to a point where she’s aware of what going on, and have some tools to deal with it.
 
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EstherRose94

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#7
Best of luck. The dramatic shifts in mood are just as unexplainable from the inside. It’s really great that you understand that. There’s no cause to them and it feels like something that happens to us rather than something we do. But there’s definitely hope. I feel more like one whole person instead of two extreme halves now. When my GP recommended therapy I was like “I’ve thought about it but I wouldn’t really know what to say”. She laughed and said “it isn’t a date”. That made it clear that I should go and see what happens. It wasn’t my job to keep it from being awkward or quiet haha.
 
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LittleMissNameless

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canada
#8
I'm sorry but I disagree with everyone.
Is she good for you? From the sounds of it no. You are responsible for you your mental health and safety sitting here looking for us to confirm your suspicion on her is beyond invasive in my opinion. If she wants help that falls on her you can't force her.
Take care of yourself.
Whether or not she is bpd.
You should seek counseling
 

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