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Another thing that really grinds my gears - not about sex, dont worry.

bobshocker

bobshocker

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you know, that you are.. what you are..... right?

You pretty much know that what's inside ya, it's the done deal.

You have good days and bad days right?

It's hard isn't it? It ain't easy.

you hurt, ya think about ending it most days, ya think about SH a lot, you bullshit loads, you still wear the mask (mostly to try and convince yourself).

You try, don't you. you try real hard, to be normal.

Ok? Here's my beef, here's what really fuck*** pi**es me off (sorry Calypso).

Your friends, your family, those around you. still don't believe or understand BIfrickingPOLAR. They say at the time, but they don't, it's pure bullshit, you are still scum, you are still a fucking bastard, or slut, or homewrecker, or just tosser, depending upon your gender.

Am I right?

I know I am.

Cos as soon as you appear to be keeping a lid on things, and trying real hard, not to do any crazy shit.

All those said people think that it's gone away, they think you are better, or you were never ill, and it's all-right now, or you was just putting it on. they blind themselves.

and now cos they think all that, if you kind slip up in future, they can beat you up all about it, cos, you might have been ill, but now your ok, now you must be cured. So now , you're just being a bugger.

They don't understand that you are trying so hard, gripping on to normality, like a climber holds one finger to the edge before he falls to his messy doom.

They, are in more denial, than you'll ever be. the more you try and get better, the harder they make it, because the more you will be punished for slippage, cos they, (as much as they said at the time), never really believed it in the first place. They didn't. They just paid you, the pc doc, the crisis team LIP FUCKING SERVICE. They was in more denial than you'll ever be.

We are supposed to be in denial. denial is supposed to be a major bipolar symptom. I get that? But? They don't, and they suffer from it.

I been to hell, really bloody fuc*ING hell with this, to say it nearly killed my little sexy ass, is an understatement. I tried. I tried to get better, with all the misery , pain, hurt, injuries, and everything else. Is it worth it?

It ain't worth it, society has zero tolerance. They may talk a pretty story, but it's bullshit.

All people wanna know is that you are better. they never believed it in the first place man.

It's bullshit.

Might as well pander to the masses and perform like a psychopath.

anyone get where I am coming from?

Or am i just being a toss boy?
 
calypso

calypso

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I get totally where you are coming from Bob. I have only showed the depression side in the last few years, so bipolar is rubbish to people. My daughter, God bless her, is the only one who stands in between people and me and tells them - "You should have been there when mum was through the roof elated, then screamingly high and couldn't stop.

Then the depression is down to grief in my case, or so they tell me. Well it didn't help. that's for sure, but no it was there lurking like an evil presence long before that.

Yes I know what it is like to keep a lid on it. I have to hide the suicidal thoughts and SH thoughts that accompany me through life, like a dull toothache that never goes away. When stressed they flare up into a dangerous red flag. But even then I have to hide it so everyone doesn't call me selfish if I mention it. "You're not going to put your family through that again, are you? Think of them for once!" I think of them all the time, that's why I battle the impulses daily - but that is hidden.

I feel totally unappreciated in this often. I know what I did last August when I nearly died. The guilt of that doesn't go away. That is why I fight daily with this. Some days it is anguish, and others its manageable. Occasionally, it goes away and I get scared. That feeling is lovely, but what if it returns?

So yeah, I get where you are coming from Bob. xxx
 
littlesparrow

littlesparrow

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Joined
Feb 18, 2013
Messages
29
you know, that you are.. what you are..... right?

You pretty much know that what's inside ya, it's the done deal.

You have good days and bad days right?

It's hard isn't it? It ain't easy.

you hurt, ya think about ending it most days, ya think about SH a lot, you bullshit loads, you still wear the mask (mostly to try and convince yourself).

You try, don't you. you try real hard, to be normal.

Ok? Here's my beef, here's what really fuck*** pi**es me off (sorry Calypso).

Your friends, your family, those around you. still don't believe or understand BIfrickingPOLAR. They say at the time, but they don't, it's pure bullshit, you are still scum, you are still a fucking bastard, or slut, or homewrecker, or just tosser, depending upon your gender.

Am I right?

I know I am.

Cos as soon as you appear to be keeping a lid on things, and trying real hard, not to do any crazy shit.

All those said people think that it's gone away, they think you are better, or you were never ill, and it's all-right now, or you was just putting it on. they blind themselves.

and now cos they think all that, if you kind slip up in future, they can beat you up all about it, cos, you might have been ill, but now your ok, now you must be cured. So now , you're just being a bugger.

They don't understand that you are trying so hard, gripping on to normality, like a climber holds one finger to the edge before he falls to his messy doom.

They, are in more denial, than you'll ever be. the more you try and get better, the harder they make it, because the more you will be punished for slippage, cos they, (as much as they said at the time), never really believed it in the first place. They didn't. They just paid you, the pc doc, the crisis team LIP FUCKING SERVICE. They was in more denial than you'll ever be.

We are supposed to be in denial. denial is supposed to be a major bipolar symptom. I get that? But? They don't, and they suffer from it.

I been to hell, really bloody fuc*ING hell with this, to say it nearly killed my little sexy ass, is an understatement. I tried. I tried to get better, with all the misery , pain, hurt, injuries, and everything else. Is it worth it?

It ain't worth it, society has zero tolerance. They may talk a pretty story, but it's bullshit.

All people wanna know is that you are better. they never believed it in the first place man.

It's bullshit.

Might as well pander to the masses and perform like a psychopath.

anyone get where I am coming from?

Or am i just being a toss boy?
'despised, rejected a man of sorrows..'

I know what you mean i often have rows with my mum about not turning up to family functions. I've taken to telling her the truth why i'm not able to go eg:

Me: 'Sorry fighting satan and hoards of demons that want to drag my soul out through my nostrils'

Mum: 'oh can't you just come for an hour. ?'

Its insanity isn't it?

I get you though if that's some consolation.
 
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bobshocker

bobshocker

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'despised, rejected a man of sorrows..'

I know what you mean i often have rows with my mum about not turning up to family functions. I've taken to telling her the truth why i'm not able to go eg:

Me: 'Sorry fighting satan and hoards of demons that want to drag my soul out through my nostrils'

Mum: 'oh can't you just come for an hour. ?'

Its insanity isn't it?

I get you though if that's some consolation.
it is. thanks. xx
 
bobshocker

bobshocker

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Messages
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Location
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nyassi said:
Suuuuuuure fire do nop know where you are coming from. To me it is basically a personal choice meaning you have a firey temperament, you like to sound off and when you have had enough of that, you are then bored with sickos in your life and have to create havoc to turn a boring hell into somekind of comatose heaven, or else explode, causing mayhem to all those who you always expect to love you.

No matter what and when that does not wash, you can be sure your next diagnose as you approach deaths door after a real long old age, because the good always die young, or seem to, which means, ob coarse, that by then you expect the whole god damn world to wait on you hand and foot and by then, too right they do, because for people like you to explore all possibilities of creating havoc in so called 'normal' people's brains, you just simply....

oh give up ammie this post will never to onto this thread, as my last post was immediately erradicated, so simply put, you have to have one frame of mine, one point of view, and forever vile that is to anyone who is not 'in' on this forum, so best to just 'stick to oneself' hey, and observer from a far and laugh your bloody head off at certain people on this forum who has some sort of very unhealthy control and if that is not cultism, then I don't know what is.

An d that last point of view was for you calypso and lurissa, or whatever your name is, for you both suepr star as far as anyone ellse is concerned all can go to ell.

Some forum which goes around in circles and never geets an answer from a top sueprstar moderator who thinks he knows it all as well. oh and by the way you are all if so dont bother questioning me about my bipolar either for I do nop nop have ip either and neither do you assholes and never did we dispose of people through shitzodisorder, not like you dear through advocating the on ly way forward is through thed oors of the quackers who are these days, no no more than doctors

So so so don't despair, your turn next, so don't ever say you did know warn... dut tut tut tut

Duh
But? (and thank you for replying, but don'r disrespect our friends, but I honestly thank you for being honest, and for posting, it's totally valuable).

I kind of never express my emotions, maybe this is the problem. Oh yes? I can kind of type it on here, but outwardly never, that's the way I been brought up, and maybe that's an issue for me.

If I get angry, for instance, I'll lose my temper, but you'll never know, inside me, it will be horrible, like awful emotions, but outside, I'll never show, except, I might talk real quiet, and I'll try not to cry tears of anger, but sometimes one might dribble down my chin.

So? If someone upsets me, they'll never know they upset me, not in the usual course of things, I'll just suffer in silence, and I do suffer.

Then there's the other side, if on the odd occasion I do blow, it will be completely disproportionate, and before I know it, I've utterly destroyed someone.

'course, by then it's too late, damage has been done, and then I get pilloried for being the bad guy , justifiably so, and as you rightly put it my dear sweet nyassi, the damage has already been done, and the repair work is somewhat of a mountain to climb.
 
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