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Another Hello to Bristol

L

Lost Voyager

New member
Joined
Jul 3, 2008
Messages
2
Location
Bristol
Hi, I found this forum in a similar way J LOL ... really bad evening and browsing internet looking for forum to help me get through the night.

I was fine an hour or so ago and then down came the black cloud (or is it the black dog). I was emailing a friend when I began to have butterflies in my stomach, my head felt like it was bursting and I knew I was starting to fight suicidal thoughts again. I feel so bad I really want to talk to someone but I don't have a network of friends of whom I dare to call at this time of night, and I can't bring myself to call Samaritons or Crisis team because I feel so b***dy stupid. I want to drink to numb it but if I do I will probably end up doing something really stupid. I want to talk to someone but I just can't. Typing on the PC is so much easier than having to say something ... I've developed a stutter when I am anxious that I have never had before in all my 51yrs. I can barely get my words out and forget what I am saying almost as soon as I start saying it. I could take my meds which might knock me out - I am on 150mg amytriptoline daily - but I feel a need to talk (write).

Anyway, just reading j lol's thread has already distracted me a bit - Bristol and the hoops you have to jump through to get help are both very familiar to me. I also use Montpelier but my GP is fantastic. She has worked her socks off to get me seen by the mental health team ... it took from January to April for it to happen ... and that was after a serious suicide attempt where I was only found by my mobile signal being traced by the police (next time no mobile - so god help me no next time!).

So, back to Montpelier ... I have my partner come in with me on every visit so I have someone who can remember the conversations that take place and be my advocate. It seems to work a treat - I cannot fault the treatment by my GP. I can, however find everything else very frustrating merely because of the time it all takes whilst in the meantime I am just going nowhere but down most of the time. The crisis team decided I didn't need to see the psychiatrist but needed to see a psychotherapist. I finally got my appointment in mid-June. It was less than 20mins long because the psychotherapist wanted me referred back to a psychiatrist for diagnosis and medication assessment and has advised CPN involvement with me - however he has given me a follow up appointment which takes place next week, but I am not allowed to have my partner with me this time! Of course, I've heard nothing about the psychiatric appointment or visit to/from a CPN.

I think I am getting in a state because my partner is away for 2 weeks - as of yesterday - and I can barely function alone ... and that frightens me because I know this is very unhealthy and I am afraid of what it might do to us in the long run (we've only been together 7 months). I feel I need to hide this but don't want to hold anything else inside me.

Sorry .. really starting to ramble now. Think I'll go take a look around the forums - j lol's is the very first thread I've read save for the intro 'must reads'.

Strange thing ... someone told me to keep a journal as writing would help me. I cannot write in it directly (hands too shaky for a start and I just can't bring myself to open it and do it when I need to most) and yet I can write via the PC both here and in my very black email earlier (which I didn't send). So I have found a way to do the journal anyway - I printed off the email and stapled it in and I will do the same with this. And the writing does help!

OK, sorry again for the long ramble. Thank you to whoever started these forums. And I hope I haven't abused them with such a long message.

LV
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Hi Lost Voyager, and good to see you've found the forum. The Bristol board isn't exactly jumping with activity but the rest of the forum is.

Sometimes partners or other people aren't invited in to consultations because the therapist or doctor wants to hear just you. If you explain your difficulties in remembering they may allow you to tape the session or write a letter with a summary of it for you.

When you need your partner just close your eyes and conjure up their image - that's how far away they are from you. Ask out loud how you should go about what ever it is you need to go about doing and that will help you. It will help reduce the panic.

Keep posting and keep coming back and the forum is made for however you need to use it.
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
welcome lost voyager

i think u should start a blog in journals, my mh clinic actually in vite u 2 bring your partner but my oh isnt really interested in my mh journey:hug::flowers:
 
L

Lost Voyager

New member
Joined
Jul 3, 2008
Messages
2
Location
Bristol
Thank you ...

to both of you for replying and the helpful suggestions. I spoke to my partner on the phone this morning and she said I seem to be taking better care of myself because I sought out alternative ways of coping rather than relying on her last night. One new step forward ....

LV
 
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