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Another Account of Dealing with a Dissociative, Abusive and Narcissistic Personality; and bearing the brunt of it.

L

Look into the Light

Member
Joined
Jul 12, 2020
Messages
7
Location
The Netherlands
Hello to all. I hope you are well, and staying safe and secure, enough.

I'm a new poster. This will be my second account, getting my thoughts and "journal" up and out there, so it exists for real.
and maybe someone will care, or lend support or understanding. Maybe I can lend some back in return. So anyway...
here goes.

Here's another account of the things I deal with frequently, and seemingly to no sense or end.
It might not make a lot of sense in context, but rest assured there's lots more, where this comes from, that would sound a lot the same, from far ago... coming into the current present, and continuing.

________________________

A fast one today -- but i couldn’t just let another really messed up, strenuous day slip away out of memory like it never happened.



So, as with many of these events / days lately, in a row (couple weeks or so), even when it all really seemed done for a moment, a very bad / messed up day broke out again.

Day before yesterday (today’s 2020-07-15). Started out okay, and when we began talking, I was able to really progress and talk through and to and with girlfriend. She seemed a “her” again, and back. She was finally agreeing, and admitting, and saying sorry, and we were talking long about our relationship and being real, again... and going on into ideas for strategy / what to do better, how to get help... Then we ended up even talking about society, others, life, and all kinds of other topics. Before long it was just a good talk, that I stayed around for instead of going back to working on my stuff.

There was one section, which was one thing -- and we finished through it eventually, kind of... and she apologised and let it go and calmed down and all that, again... and I was pretty much done. But I admit, I said some more about how much I’ve been hurt through so many past events/ trauma and brought it all up, and I got hopeless and “downy” about it and said I’d had enough of all of it / this... and that she’s really got to see that and confess it, and make it all up to me. No more of this.

But somehow, we talked a bit too far, because at certain point later, triggers happened, and when even I just brought up the other days / events, so as to finally put them to fair rest, it only got her to go into defense mode again -- saying there were things I did, like I was responsible... and I continued to retell the stories, how one sided (her going insane and not coming back, over little things / nothing) they really are.

But... somehow, another worse one broke out, over the tiniest mention of the last few days ago, where she was truly (no less than ever before, and even worse in a way!) wrong and hurting me, again. This went on; before I knew it, I was dealing with the shrieking, crazed, unfair monster version again. Just overtly pushing me and the talk away, instead of solving it. Manically fighting me, pushing back.

But, I, pointedly and more than usual, stood by and stayed calm as it got to its worst... and showed that I would not back down or push away, and would keep waiting until she calmed and was able to finish it all. And just say a decent goodnight with me, and remember that we’d had a “good day” -- so much of it, was, earlier -- and let’s leave it be and remember that, as we leave for the night and say goodnight.

__________________________

Thanks for listening, reading...

:) Your supporter and would-be friend LITL...
 
L

Look into the Light

Member
Joined
Jul 12, 2020
Messages
7
Location
The Netherlands
If you've made it to here this far... I'll post another one, below. So its account is also here, and there's a linking sense to these kinds of days, so you can see what this goes on like for me over the longitude.
(This is a long one. But it is very detailed and journal-like. Should give a good overview of how my situation is at worst of late)
______________________

This, to whomever it concerns (or simply to myself... a journal/memory), accounts the day of 03-20-2019. Specifically where Girlfriend was doing another very bad thing.

I woke up to a barrage of nonsense, in a day full of nonsense, insults, misery -- as in Girlfriend in question was in another of her worst forms, of self (multiple personality type condition, severe).

It began with a complaint of my legs being over her side, and when I cleared up enough to move them, she was on me with paranoia and blaming, as if I was doing that all on purpose. (She’d already been crying and distraught even an hour or so earlier that morning, which was keeping me awake; I’d just been finally falling into a sleep).

She didn’t just do this once, or twice, for a minute or two. It went on, and on; and I lay there calmly, gently telling her that was wrong, she was incorrect, I moved them, it’s okay, let’s move on; please leave me alone and calm down.

After a while of her crying/emphatically ranting non-stop, I even suggested (the right thing) she could leave the room, get out the ‘crazy’ and come back when she was ready, or better. That didn’t work, she was already beginning into her state where she becomes entirely defiant: “no” or opposition to anything reasonable or correct becomes her entire normal.

After a long enough time (and it IS always longer than one -- who is not familiar with dealing with her, the way I am personally -- would believe), I had to do the usual thing and not win -- in other words, I had to get up or do something. I got water, and ended up in the bathroom.

I emerged from that after a while, already unsure how the day would go and distraught myself with everything else going on. Not feeling all together, and feeling basically sick from her and everything else. But after finding Girlfriend curiously gone from the house(?), I sat down for a sec on the sofa; breathed a couple of breaths... thinking what to do in the start of day.

A just perfect amount of moments later, before I could start on something, she rips open the door of a side-room we have in this house; one that she typically would never be in like that. She goes down the hall, and is in a shaky and impulsive state, I can tell, already. She starts talking AT me right off the bat, asking shaky questions and telling me she is lost, everything is over and lost, she can’t do it, we can’t do it / make it. And then generally asking, in a crazed, needy way, for me to talk and ‘be there’, to hear her rants, bludgeoning worry and pessimism about everything.

I am just sitting there, noticeably taken off guard again, just like before in the bed, just closing my eyes and trying to breathe deep; knowing well where this is going. I’ve had to suffer through this with her, many, many times before in the worst way. She continues, it doesn’t let up, she doesn’t take a clue from my body language, my basic neutrality and my own shaking weariness that she should ease up, back off.

It becomes more and more pressing, she paces and rants, she cries to me that she needs me (this is not a normal woman having a conversation, starting the day with a person, saying let’s talk, or I need you baby, please be there for me. This is a person in a fugue, rant state, in their own inner world. But curiously trying to pull me into the tornado, desperately grasping and digging possessed fingernails into me. Putting me down and saying one thing one moment; the next, asking and begging that someone ‘save her’).

Let it just be skipped to, and said, that this went on in this pattern for the entire day. This part I’ll say quickly: I eventually knew to leave, that it wouldn’t stop. So I got ready and went out for a coffee and drive, maybe a walk...

by the way, trying to leave, she also did another of her routines / techniques she always, always does in this same state -- coming around me, verbally abusing, trapping and doing whatever to prevent my leaving (or if it’s calling a number for help, it’s her blocking that, or running and grabbing and hiding the phone).

She walked up behind me as I am getting ready at the door, nearly naked, desperately trying to manipulate. “I need to go out, I need to go out soon. Why are you taking the keys? Why are you taking the keys?” She says the last lines as I’m trying to get my boots on, and the door is wide open to the outside. --She does this: making it seem like it’s me being the villain, when in every way, it’s her. She’ll yell things out, claim and change truths. Every time.

...Back to the fast part: I went for a drive, it was nice, walked a bit. Best part of my day. Calmed and stabilized myself. Finally came home, thinking things might improve. When I got inside I noticed our things strewn about the entire house, in every room. I mutter a half-word, and she’s going around ‘packing up’ stuff; letting me know, in the same manic bipolar-type state, that she’s/we are moving, getting ready. We’ve got to get out of here, we’ve got to leave. Now, not later. In a day, in a week.

Long story short it’s not hard to see where this is faulty and wrong, regardless of any real life elements or anything else. She’s going crazy, this is a crazed state; I have been through days like this before. Whether or not we’ve been rich, or poor, or unsure, or sure, or somebody died. This is monthly, or quarterly.

She is in the clutches of one of her worst alternate, extreme states. The one that’ll make her think wrong, talk and shout as badly as possible, not listen, talk over me and steamroll to no end, crazily worry and doubt and think everything, her life, anything, is over.

And take action, wrongful action. Sometimes it’s just her laying in a bed, yelling and crying and berating and abusing me for hours, and there is no end (that happened too today). This time it is one of those where she is up, deciding, making horrible impulse actions and decisions. Not even little ‘craziness crimes of passion’ like when a person snaps and bangs their head, or punches through or into something, or does cartwheels in the street, or talks weirdly due to pressure.

She thinks she can drive a car down an icy Cliffside, she thinks she’s in the right mind to make a life choice; a sudden divergent one at that. Flake out, go the opposite way, from something we’d just a day ago talked about maturely, nicely, and figured out something positive, like how we’d deal with an issue or life problem.

This is no good. I am sad. I am in pain. Unsure if I even have tears anymore; crying silently, feeling and knowing this is hopeless, having nothing to run to, unsure of what to do. I have nothing in my life; nothing helps.

I HAVE tried and done everything. All the things that have citings, and websites, and doctor approval; things that go outside that, and into ‘not sane’ land. Everything. I’ve tried water. You get desperate yourself, a bit crazed when you are dealing with someone like this, with what they put you through. You mess up and end up making ‘mistakes’ too, or slipping up. You are not perfect. Even being a particularly patient, kind and thoughtful, well-spoken and polite (listening ability) man or woman (man in this case).

To finish the content of the day... let it be said that it didn’t end with the first, or second, or third, or fourth phase as I’ve just detailed. Somehow, coming back from another walk, allowing her to hopefully calm down a bit more, it continued. There was actually a brief period, between the ‘moving our stuff’ phase and coming home from the second walk, that she was lightening up and ‘receiving me’ more. Being open to my sense, my complaints and lecturing that she’s going to far, going crazy.

But soon after, it went bad. She’d been resting on the bed, I asked if things could be at least a little bit done, or would be better - so I can at least go off and live my life, not get jumped again with another round of insane rant and abuse. It went well enough, but soon enough... that thing inside her, that mode activated. The way it does every time she’s having a day/days like this one.

She’s half apologizing to me, saying let’s end it for the night. But whenever it’s opportune, always before concluding something, a little demon in her, an advocate always comes out and says things to bate me back in -- still blaming me, or misconstruing things... coming up with some way to hook inside of me, or say that I was to blame for the day, or something in it... as if she’s excusing herself for being this way because of one or another things she concocts up that I’ve done.

Even on a day like this one! Where all I’ve done is WOKE UP -- to her yelling, and going crazy. At me. Calling me everything in the book. Saying everything terrible.

I can’t deal with this...



It went on and on



Let it be said that she goes from one state, one extreme to a complete other. One day she is desperately, nonchalantly, non-caringly putting me down, placing us squarely in the trash, saying she doesn’t care and will not care and will not react reasonably and will be terrible, and doesn’t care what happens to me or us (and will even go so far as to actively wishing bad things upon me, and her, and us! Things like jail, and torture, and pain, and body loss, and death, and after-death...).

Contrast this, with: another day, where she is around the bend. Coming back at me or after me (and when I have left, going around the corner in a vehicle, saying goodbye or walking or staying away, anyway... telling me, begging me not to leave her (usually still in a half-mentally-challenged half-cry voice and demeanor)... begging me please not to leave, the good person her, or the acting like she is a good person, a sociopath, to bate me back -- either way -- not to leave and or give up on her. And it IS convincing. And she does everything, and says everything she can to convince me. ‘Undo’ to all the damage, tries to (wimpily, with a vast lapse in memory) take back all the nasty words, all the impulse actions, kicks and hits; knife throws. Figuratively and literally.

It’s mostly bravado -- drama, as with everything she does, one extreme or the other. I’m waiting for content -- for the days and few small times where she can actually think. Say the right thing using her intelligence. Jfj

This happened the day before; albeit in a lesser extent. This went on today for hours... 8am or earlier (ten, I think, when the actual fight in bed started) in the morning, until 2am that night next morning...

What I didn’t say until end is that, this had gone on nearly just as bad, the day(s?) before, a whole day and night of arguing and being impossible, much for the same anti-reasons and un-reasonability. I was more participant, but it was much the same in content, impossibility, dealing-with, talking and being heard, and getting anything to end (in a functional, healthy or bare minimal way).

We’ve also at this time been dealing with a lot of stresses, and life problems: I particularly have been really dealing with issues / stress, sourcing from the world / real things, although my other more self-health and wisdom/growth has never been so much better. I’d been dealing with a recurring and now daily eye/sight loss, which came almost literally overnight and had progressed from a temporary come-once or -twice thing into a temporary-but-staying, could be longer or who knows kind of thing - every day now having this blur and eye pain/strain.

Also I was dealing with a court case, because of something that never should have happened to me, I was/am innocent, it didn’t happen; the stupid thing was going on too long with no positive result, and wearing /pushing extra pressure / scare upon me, with each passing moment. There was nothing I could do with this.

Not to mention, in addition to all we were dealing with lack of money, tons of trouble with bills and landlords and debt, and car troubles and everything you name it. So it wasn’t a very good time...
All of this is still going on as of this writing... sans maybe one or two money problems being in ‘being handled’ state.



03-23-2019 Very next night !

Continued again. Actually, we’d a pretty tight and decent acting day, where Girlfriend came with me on a nice slow drive out of town, and we got coffee and walked a bit. Then came home. Had a polite and calm afternoon-into-evening. Did a couple chores each, made dinner. I showered. Finally finished writing this and various others, and then lay back, to try and end the day/relax.

Woke up full-on defiant, like a little bastard, pig-tailed girl little girl conniving, challenging character. She was so impossible...

Challenging me at every turn, as when someone is at blackout point/on a drug badly, just leaning into it, feeling irrationally and ridiculously confident and thinking they know it all; and they can command and control all things at the same time they are being most stupid and most wrong they can be!

This went on for again a couple of hours; probably more like 3-4 all told. Started simply by me having a relax let-go kinda night (finally); everything is fun enough, lax and chill; she goes to bed. Not much long after, gets up, when I am coughing and just really trying to clear my lungs, get some better air you know. No big thing.

But she goes into how she’s all worried about me, what could happen (from another time short before, which is somewhat in itself understandable, reasonable. She cares, etc.). I tell her it’s okay (and it really was; really was going to be, I was going to have only a few drinks, it was going to be in control and a relaxing, fine night), but she presses on a little bit still. She’s already got me a little ‘fused’, as I’ve had enough of her stuff already, and last thing I want is that nagging or intrusion at the end of this day, when I’m finally having a weekly release in this manner.

One little blip occurs: she goes back almost to the room, but we’re sort of talking, clearing things up. What happens is so precise and small, yet has such an effect. I say something else to her. I think we’re still in it, talking. She kind of responds. Doesn’t really though. She does something she always does, go into the room talking to me, shutting me out (the door) when she decides, like there’s no consideration for the other person. This is a pet peeve enough, and just a small clue and part of something bigger -- her bigger problems, which I’m keenly aware are there and a step away, indicated exactly by this and similar kinds of actions!

But the small thing is one thing... though it is enough... I talk loudly, a little tiffed, ask her (and hoping in my mind, she actually will just do it for once, no delay and playing games after the day we’d just had) to please come back out, open the door. I’m not finished. She doesn’t respond. I have to raise my voice; I admittedly quickly become a bit short (I quite often don’t). Basically she’s playing the usual won’t just come back, or react and acts like she can’t even hear what I’m asking, or some such.

Long story short, when she finally does ‘what...?’ and comes to the door and opens it, I have yelled a bit, and am asking if she could figure out/ be aware of what she’s doing (often does, connected to other bad states and actions). I knew she was already in a weird/bad state, the signs were there by the way she speedily got up and interrogated me from the first place, and how she responded/talked/reacted while being up. But this fully set things off - and she was in her state -- snap of fingers.

Longer story complete: from this moment on, instead of maybe seeing where I’m coming from, or at least letting go and saying it doesn’t matter, it ends up as I described above in the intro -- going on and on, giving me no end of false pathways and arguments and lead to nowhere, and no way out of this fight. Just seemingly stubbornly being a ‘no’ entity, being defiant and wrong and impossible, just to see the man squirm or feel impossible or stuck in mud. I remember calling out her name, ‘Girlfriend’ so many times, my whole body shaking and attempting to re-breathe and center control, as this continued in every way imaginable.

Trying to get attention, trying to pull her back to say something of good, sense... but nothing, no ONE, nothing’s there. She turned off, everything. Every possibility, hearing me noticeably trying every reasonable, natural, fair socially acceptable thing and just shooting it/me in the face. And it never ended. Had to basically wait through rounds and rounds of this evil loop for her/it to calm down, run out. And, we could kind of stop.

The day after, the tomorrow, things change -- of course. They always do. Eventually. A day or two. Everything is different, and she comes and apologizes... one hundred percent culpability now, as opposed to the night before (the polar reasoning and opposition, and invention). Tries to make amends. ...............................

You can’t get out of this.

... :(
 
D

Demonbuster

New member
Joined
Jul 23, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Liverpool
Bless her. This has happen ed to her over a few months. This is deep anger and Hurt thats not been address ed by what ever means. Send her peace. Like for me. Im turning into something similar with rants and anger issues. I was placid but ive been tormented, ignored and Hurt beyond means and No one was there and disassocistion. Only heaven has been there for me.
So i can go from lived in experience. For me i still seek help. Water helps calm heat in a sacrel area where in chinese philsophy relationships Lie.
Nature is a blessing too. I found in my outbursts i dont wish to be that way. Its habit and mental lack of awareness on how to react in a Better way.
 
T

TyFence

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 21, 2020
Messages
202
Location
NorCal
Sometimes things are better left unsaid. She was on your side but you were selfish and went to far.
 
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