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V

Viktoria

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Just smoked Some today and felt really relaxed. Then went to lie on my bed for a while with someone in my room keeping watch and suddenly the voices got really loud. So I got out of bed and threw the bedsite cabinet through the room and for five minutes was shaking real bad. The nurse put her arm around me until I calmed down then they gave me Valium.

I've calmed down a bit but they're getting louder again.
 
Passionflower

Passionflower

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Are you allowed to smoke that in the hospital?
 
V

Viktoria

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No i did it secretly
 
Passionflower

Passionflower

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But I thought they were watching you closely, you must be pretty clever to get away with that!
 
V

Viktoria

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From another guy on the ward who gets it through his window.
I was allowed to sit alone in the garden so they didn't smell it. They can see the garden from the office.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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I'm not surprised you went into psychosis with it, considering they only just started you on depot and your going through ECT treatments. Hope you won't try that again. I'm guessing your back in observation and seclusion again after that. You must be completely exhausted after all that.
 
V

Viktoria

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I'm not psychotic. I'm spiritual.
I'm getting some more today.
I'm quitting the ECT, it's given me real bad memory loss.
I was already on strict observation but I didn't have to go to seclusion.

I just threw more furniture, the voices got to loud. They gave me extra Valium but it doesn't work. I spoke to a nice nurse who calmed me down a bit.

I want to be with Becky as soon as I get the chance.

My parents are coming later which is nice.
 
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Helena1

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I don't think something spiritual would get you to kill yourself, they would try to help you improve your life whilst you are alive.
Maybe the memory loss from the ECT will improve over time, it has not been long since you had the sessions so you can't tell now.
 
Kerome

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I don't think something spiritual would get you to kill yourself, they would try to help you improve your life whilst you are alive.
This I totally agree with. It's a question of rational thinking. A spiritual encounter would not end in a request for suicide, that is the point where you can be pretty sure you are having an experience that is at least partially psychotic in nature. And then you have to go back and re evaluate the whole experience to see if any of it made sense and was correct.

I'm not saying Becky is or is not some kind of spiritual being, but you should think of it as her being in a play, where your ill brain is playing writer and director. You may be putting words in her mouth which were never there.
 
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V

Viktoria

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Thanks for the replies.
Becky lives in a better world together with another girl. No war, rape, and other bullshit.

I'm quitting the ECT.

And I refuse oral meds to assist the forced depot.

I smoke to feel relaxed. To calm myself down.

I spoke to a doctor but I'm still on 1-1 (it's called code 5).

I want to smash the place up like I did this morning. The other voices are getting too loud.
 
V

Viktoria

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Just smashed the place up
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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You must really want to stay in there then, you really think they'll let you out acting out like this? I know weed makes my son JS' anger and voices worse, doesn't help. Becky isn't anywhere else but within you, if you die she will cease to exist. My other son almost did die trying to go where his voices were, they left him when they didn't succeed in making him commit suicide. Anyone who trully loves you would want you to live and be happy. Not make you want to smash things up and cause yourself so much pain and distress.
 
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V

Viktoria

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I lost control. I couldn't stand up straight. They couldn't get in contact with me. Threw chairs and tables. The voices were screaming.
They were really friendly, the staff. Spit out the meds but eventually took the Valium.

Played some guitar to calm down.
My parents are coming soon.

No they won't let me out anyway. Scared I'll kill myself. The judge is coming soon to lengthen the section with six months.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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Considering how badly your voices are effecting you and how dangerous it is, I think they have no other choice. I am hoping you can come to have more control over the screaming ones. Keep posting Victoria, I'm glad staff is being kind.
 
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