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Angry at myself for having depressive symptoms

FlowerBox

FlowerBox

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I say "depressive symptoms" because I am not sure it "qualifies" as depression and it is still always overshadowed by anxiety and restlessness with me. I thought I was going to have an easier time coming out of the dread but I just cannot seem to get back to myself, fully...I have more energy but not enough motivation and self discipline...my mind has been so foggy but constantly listening to things has helped me to get some mental energy back, like it stimulates my brain. Now I am trying to always have at least one source of audio going and it does make me feel better, silence or even just quietness freaks me out

I used to be so disciplined with diet and exercise and sleep, they were all so important to me and I KNOW it makes me feel better to put those things first, but DAMN is it hard to actually do it again once you stop. I feel like I have been sleeping TOO MUCH...I just can't seem to get my control back and it's affecting my mood so much. I am really irritated with myself which could be a bad thing, but at the same time it is starting to motivate me.

I have had little set backs of course, but it's been a while since I fell out of my own control this bad for this long. And then I feel like none of it matters because of the pandemic, I feel so hopeless about the future like "what good will it do if I start running again, anyway?" But I have to. I am so sick of myself making myself feel worse, looking for validation externally, I need to get back to myself
 
Keesha

Keesha

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Depression slows are thought processes down
Depression leaves us lethargic, not wanting to do much
Depression robs our self confidence
Depression changes our sleep pattern
Depression changes our appetite
Depression changes our personality and character

We aren’t the same when we are depressed but shoving ourselves under the bus isn’t really helpful.

Realize the signs & symptoms of depression and be kind and compassionate with yourself

The last thing you need is to be degraded by yourself
 
FlowerBox

FlowerBox

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I see what you are saying but I don't know...I am starting to wonder if this is the approach I need to take personally...I would never get mad at someone else for their depression though so I get why it sounds bad...but only being compassionate with myself wasn't helping me make progress 🤔 I just wonder...the same approach won't work with everyone right?
 
A

arthormarus98

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I get the same problem with not disciplining myself to be motivated, and staying active like that.
But I guess anger might be effective in this case: I know I'll be way more pissed at myself for staying inside all day, than getting sunlight and air, or doing other self-care like regular sleep and diet and healthy activities.

It might seem like it doesn't matter, and I understand; even before the pandemic, everything seemed irrelevant sometimes.
But I feel like it definitely matters if it's something that's gonna bug you in the future, you know?

Be kind to yourself! It's hard, but it's totally possible! Write affirmations on your mirror, say them 10 times a day or more; have a support network of people you can call or text and ask each other how you're doing;
 
FlowerBox

FlowerBox

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I've never tried affirmations really, do they really work? I guess in a way I know it's up to me whether they work or not 🤔
 
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arthormarus98

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I've never tried affirmations really, do they really work? I guess in a way I know it's up to me whether they work or not 🤔
HOLY HECK I have had marked successes with affirmation repetition, it makes such a difference when I'm fighting with the stuck, cyclical, negative thinking. I first noticed it when my counselor assigned the task to me: come up with 5 positive affirmations, say them to myself in the mirror every day, repeat 'em when needed

But as the suggestion goes, try everything, repeat what works and discard what doesn't.
 
FlowerBox

FlowerBox

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HOLY HECK I have had marked successes with affirmation repetition, it makes such a difference when I'm fighting with the stuck, cyclical, negative thinking. I first noticed it when my counselor assigned the task to me: come up with 5 positive affirmations, say them to myself in the mirror every day, repeat 'em when needed

But as the suggestion goes, try everything, repeat what works and discard what doesn't.
That's so nice you have had such success with them ☺🙏 I think I may have to start out saying them during yoga, when I can get in that mindset..I have said them a few times but it's very hard for me to really feel the affirmation rather than just saying it because that's what I am "supposed to do", if that makes sense
 
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arthormarus98

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That's so nice you have had such success with them ☺🙏 I think I may have to start out saying them during yoga, when I can get in that mindset..I have said them a few times but it's very hard for me to really feel the affirmation rather than just saying it because that's what I am "supposed to do", if that makes sense
WARNING: LONG post, self-harm, mature language

Thank you! I appreciate the praise :)

And what you're saying absolutely makes sense; I've heard the phrase HEAPS of times, "Fake it 'til you make it," and in the past I used to get super hung up on the idea of "faking it." Being less than genuine feeds my negativity in a big way; what good would it serve to recite a practiced script day after day, saying, "I am smart, I am lovable, I deserve to live, I am at peace," or others, if everyone knew it was bogus anyway?!
So that saying confounded me for longer than I want to acknowledge... BUT eventually I had it explained so that I could appreciate the wisdom in that instruction, rather than fume and falter on it as I had been. I forget whether it was in conversation with support folks or reading a book (almost certainly both, one at first and then the other), but the sentiment therein conveyed can be understood as:

"I can't THINK myself into a new way of acting, or I would. But if I ACT right, then RIGHT thinking would follow."

Don't be fooled, it was so totally NOT a magical overnight fix. BUT, after accepting it, when I found my lip sometimes curling during my affirmations, having to really force that air across my tongue between my teeth so I could hear them out loud... I started noticing that I felt just the ittiest bit better than before. Little more calm, little more composed, little more conscious of myself, situation, and surroundings. Not a crazy amount, ok yeah, but the lessening of that worry, that STRESS, the lifting of the proverbial deadweight (even only a slight lifting)... it was like suddenly anything was possible. Loud was dark, left was mute, mice eat cats; I had been premature about my own value and the inescapability of my misery. I had thought I'd known for certain I was unworthy of love from anyone, and from life; and so, disproving what I'd held as absolute immutable truth meant that I might be wrong about my own worth as well.

The degree of shift was not so very drastic. But I noticed what FELT like the turning away from gloom. I'd been fumbling on the ground through inky soot-air when it dropped out from under me, and then everything was everywhere. Like gravity had been reversed. I wasn't hurtling off into space, but I wasn't crushed into the uncaring mud anymore either. It was a relief to know, to KNOW that for all of the shouting and confusion on the inside of my head, none of "their" howls or taunts or barbs could voice themselves loud, "out here" where things are "real." But I could. And I did in fact get very fortunate, and when following sound instruction and taking time to think things through, I would actually GET the chance to behave in a manner that was honorable, or courageous, or considerate. And sometimes I'd make good on those chances. And then I could look back on those occurrences and cite, "See! There, right there, this time I didn't lie about being furious at ____ for ____ and I didn't deface anyone's property or give myself new scars. Nope, I was honest and I told ____ that I was angry at 'em, but didn't know how to bring it up, so I was avoiding them and let it get in the way of being a friend, or enjoying the book I'm in right now, or just having a normal day, or whatever."

I could remember those times and say, "That's not something a liar does! This isn't what it looks like when people manipulate each other! In this time at this place, I am an honest man."

So I can fight back, when all I used to think was that I'm worthless and bad and a loser, and that "the only way to make it ok is to hurt myself, 'cuz that's what bad people like me deserve." I can fight alongside voices in my head, ones which help hold the sword and shield steady. Gosh darn it all, I get to fight back.


TL;DR - life used to be crazy shitty and now it's less so thanks to affirmations and other positive coping skills like writing and coloring and support. HEAPS!
 
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WhySoSerious

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Psychologically it is called secondary emotions.

For example, we feel depressed then we get angry at feeling depressed because we may think it makes us weak or defective. Then we get a dose of guilt fforr being angry. We add emotion after emotion on top of each other and we spiral.

Acknowledging you are as you are in this moment without judgment is a starting point. You can't change how you feel by kicking the crap out oof yourself about it.
 
FlowerBox

FlowerBox

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Psychologically it is called secondary emotions.

For example, we feel depressed then we get angry at feeling depressed because we may think it makes us weak or defective. Then we get a dose of guilt fforr being angry. We add emotion after emotion on top of each other and we spiral.

Acknowledging you are as you are in this moment without judgment is a starting point. You can't change how you feel by kicking the crap out oof yourself about it.
This is interesting, thank you! Though I don't feel guilty for being angry at myself or irritated with myself 🤔
 
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WhySoSerious

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It was most an example. Most emotions will provoke secondaries
 
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