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Angel left wing, right wing, broken wing, lack of iron and or sleeping...

E

Easy Rider

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Nov 22, 2010
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Angel left wing, right wing, broken wing, lack of iron and or sleeping...

Look on the bright side... da da da

If you know the song by Nirvana you'll know what I mean...

Things did not work out for me as planned. Left shanghai, where I earned great coin, had an easy job I enjoyed and had a five room apt to myself downtown. Go to UK and pussied out of my Creative writing MA due to costs, moved to London and planned to live off of my savings, attending eve classes for writing (still doing but not so good now in low mood) and teaching myself to write instead of paying others 6k in fees and maybe doing a little pt work while I wrote.

My old Poker problem that I thought 18 months in isolation from it in China woke back up and I gambled away two thirds of my cash in casinos in three weeks.

I now live in a small house sharing a kitchen and one bathroom with four others. I'm down to just over 2k GBP in savings and have had to take a job with worse hours and less pay than I had in Shanghai.

The drop in status and having my own pad to myself has made tension and a kind of generalized anxiety creep in.

Basically my goals failed. I now have to work full time and write only when I can which I'm never good at without my own time and space, which I had but lost when I lost that money.

I've been fantasizing about varioussuicide plans, but won't follow through.

I won't do it, I've been there before and I just never will, I know this much to be true and I've felt worse than this in the past.

But I have to cheer myself up.

Guess just have to go with 'life could be worse, there are people worse off' and keep this job until the money gets better or a better one comes up. I need a job I'd enjoy and I guess teaching here would be good for me but I lack the funds now to do a PGCE.

I could go back to China or Korea and do ESL and save up 8k again in a year but I don't feel I have it in me, it feels like I would be travelling to the moon, also feels like 'backpeddling.'

I guess slow and steady, be positive, be careful with money and save enough to get myself to where I was, take that writing sabbatical eventually before then planning a job I'd like, like re-taking my math and science GCSE and doing the 'teach first program.' or something... Or doing a teaching assistant course (only 300 quid) and becoming a TA which has an okay salary and only 30 hours a week and I like working with youngun's.

Right now I need to just be calm, go with the flow, ride it out till feel more stable again.

I feel like asking my GP to drop a little 5mg of seroxat (paxil) which is an ssri I've tried before into my seroquel and k-pin mix for a boost, but it can make me a bit loopy even at that low a dose (normal dose is 20mg) and I don't want to lose this job even though the pay will only pay rent and living costs... It's not ideal but is entry level and the people seem nice (call center) I feel I just need a bit of grounding and not thinking too much for a while is all, build back my self esteem.

Anyhow, just venting... 'lah dee dah'... and 'what are you gonna do' and all that jazz...

Need to make lemonade out of the lemons I made for myself... Gonna see how this job pans out and follow where my gut takes me for a while without all the thinking and decisions...

Blah blah blah etc...
 
Last edited by a moderator:
H

hannahope

Former member
Bugger. What a shame....it hasn't worked out as you planned.

Just have to try and come up with a new plan, and continue writing as and when

Do you believe in fate? Or silver linings?
 
calypso

calypso

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hey there, nice to have you back again, even if its not in the best of circumstances for you. You can start again, as you say, but its such a downer to have this happen to you. You sound like quite an adventurer and for that I admire you. Is there any mileage in looking into living somewhere less expensive than London?

I had to edit out the suicide ideas, even though you said you wouldn't follow through - sorry, forum rules. Hope you don't mind too much.

Its lovely for us to have you back though. xxx
 
E

Easy Rider

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Joined
Nov 22, 2010
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799
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Earth
Do you believe in fate? Or silver linings?

Yeah sometimes, they can be sporadic and unpredictable though...

Well living outside of London would be a tiny wee bit cheaper but then the wages are lower, so...

Waking up this morning with the song 'Suicide is Painless' in my head is not great.

This job has a morning start and my seroquel and clonazepam make that tough. I start the job tomorrow and practiced today, setting my alarm last night for 9am. Never got up, just lay in bed pressing snooze till 10.30am.

Guess I'll have to have earlier nights.

Yeah silver linings may come, something always pops up once or twice a year I guess that brings some hapiness with it.

In the meantime I believe in 'This too will pass' although it might be slow....

I have a shedload of offers from Korea, so that will always be there for the money should I get fed up of working and not saving and feel I can handle another stint abroad.

Ironically I have more single mates there than I do here. The ones here are all married and live in far away places like Leeds, Manchester and Kettering etc, so only time I can see them is on trips for weekends.

I'll have to check out some London meetup.com groups.

I'm not ready for any massive changes yet after my crash, so will just take it easy and hope the job is one I can cope at and try to get some counselling from MIND or a CPN from the GP or go to the local bp support group whilst I get stable again....
 
E

Easy Rider

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Joined
Nov 22, 2010
Messages
799
Location
Earth
Yes and I must remember to re-establish my outside of work routine of exercise, writing, long walks, seeing or calling friends when i can't see them to get a feeling of being back in control again.

I don't have this foundation set up yet and feel lazy, but it has always served me well in the past.

Just gotta pull hard on those inner resources and go through the initial stages.
 

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