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An alcoholic dumb whore

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Raache

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I had a really rough week, screwed up three test because I'm an idiot and can't manage my time well enough, and yesterday I decided to get wasted.
And I did. Awfully.
I hate myself. Why did I drink so much? I litteraly passed out.
Luckily there was a guy, an amazing person, who was taking care of me the whole night. He's taken (though his relationship isn't well right now), but as a whore that I am, I tried to seduce him. He turned me down, although admitting that I'm very attractive, but it made me want him even more (cause that's how fucked up I am).
Anyway, he was there all night, holding my hair while I was vomiting, comforting me while I was crying, pulling me up from the floor.. After the party he even walked me to my friend's house. I can't say how thankful I am.
But I am also very, very embarrassed. I don't wanna leave the house anymore. I just want everyone to forget about me.
I wish to never drink that much again. But I can't trust myself, even though I feel like shit right now, I'll probably forget about how it doesn't make anything better and get wasted again when I'll be feeling down. Such a piece of shit.
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

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You aren't fucked up. You are lovely and shiny!! :)

Please don't feel bad about any of this, none of this is anything to worry about and I'm glad that guy looked after you. You have no reason to feel bad and you are so not any of those things, okay? Have some hugs

:hug5::hug5::hug5::hug5::hug5::hug5::hug5:

Davey x
 
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Quickduck

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Please don't feel bad Raache. You were having a difficult time and you went off the rails a bit; it's no big deal, nobody died, the world didn't end and I'm sure it'll be forgotten about very soon. It can happen to the best of us; i've been there. The guy who cared for you, did so because he saw in you someone worth caring for; someone who is a lovely lady, but who was at the time in a bad way. He was probably very flattered by your attention and I dare say if hadn't been attached he would hsve responded in kind. You're not a whore and he knows that; you're not a piece of shit. You're warm, kind, compassionate and clever lady who had a bad day. :hug:
:hug5:
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

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Please don't feel bad Raache. You were having a difficult time and you went off the rails a bit; it's no big deal, nobody died, the world didn't end and I'm sure it'll be forgotten about very soon. It can happen to the best of us; i've been there. The guy who cared for you, did so because he saw in you someone worth caring for; someone who is a lovely lady, but who was at the time in a bad way. He was probably very flattered by your attention and I dare say if hadn't been attached he would hsve responded in kind. You're not a whore and he knows that; you're not a piece of shit. You're warm, kind, compassionate and clever lady who had a bad day. :hug:
:hug5:
Bingo, hit the nail on the head!
Davey x
 
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lovagemuffin

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who hasn't done this yull have a few days of oh no I didn't did I cringe moments then forget forgive yourself
but don't forget next time you can eat before you go out, sip your drinks, have water in between and have spritzers if you can learn moderation its a good thing don't beat yourself up.tc
 
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I think moderation is harder for some people than others; it all depend on why you drink.
Also complete abstinence is often easier than perfect moderation. :)
 
megirl

megirl

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Please dont say that, its great that someone was taking care of you and obviously gave you their time. Why would someone do that? Because you deserve it and are worth being nurtured by someone else.
You are worth it. We all fuck up hun, its hard.
I wish it was easy as just saying nope i will never drink again.

Its not easy, but beating yourself up is only going to make yourself feel worse and then possibly drink to try numb the pain.
Its kind of like that for me and others also.

You screwed up three tests ?did you fail
none of us are perfect hun,
Hey but being looked after by that guy means you are a decent person cos why else would they do that he sounds like a decent person,
hold your head high
try not beat yourself up

:hug:
 
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Raache

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Thank you guys, you are all so lovely and caring. xx
I may have overreacted a bit (my friends call my drama queen for a reason, lol), but I'm still mad at myself. I want to learn from my mistakes, but instead I seem to make them all over and over again. I'd rather not prepare for a test than skip a party, because I'm afraid that if I stay at home people will quickly forget about me and I won't have anyone to hang out with, and I need people so desperately. I guess it's because I was very lonely during the first year at uni and I don't want it to happen again.
Plus I can't say no to alcohol. Especially when I'm feeling down, it's all I can think of - to finally get wasted. Maybe I hope that this time I drink so much I won't wake up. Solves the problem of a hangover and remorse the day after...
I didn't fail yet, I just need to get much more points on the next tests, but it's gonna be hard. God, the worst part is that I know I could did great on these tests, if only I'd studied more. :mad:
I know beating myself up over it doesn't solve anything, but how the hell am I supposed to move on? This shit is so hard!
 
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fair&square75

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Bless you Raache,you are not all them things,you are only human,with a heart & needs like anyone else.You just try give it a bit time and you won't feel half as bad,I've done many things in drink n could literally slap myself,but at the end of the day we have to forgive ourselves,we aren't saints and don't claim to be but I dare bet there's a whole load of people out there who don't give a nick when they make mistakes...you sound like you have a big heart n give a nick,so id say that is a very nice trait to have,hope you feel better soon �� and ya never know,you and that lad might laugh about this one day down the line,big hugs x
 
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fair&square75

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PS...im still trying to find the magic trick of how to move on,there's still things I cringe about yrs later but then I think 'aw what the hell that's life' I totally get what you mean when you say you want to learn from ya mistakes instead of repeating them,I was like this and one day I just suddenly learnt from them and rarely repeat them (saying that I would love to get drunk again but just don't go there cos the bad outweighs the good with alcohol for me now) Only through repeating things I learnt,but sometimes it takes a few lessons doesn't it.Also,thinking of a positive in a tricky situation...that lad must respect you,if you were very tiddly and he still didn't take advantage,so you obviously have qualities that he can see,so you're not such a bad person :) Just had to write in your post,because i feel for you and know what its like, see If ya can get lots of Lucozade,I always think its a good hangover help �� al tell you a story about me one day,when I work up the courage lol its pretty ridiculous but I just know it will make you feel better :) lol (about me and some drunken embarrassment hehe) x
 
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Raache

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I'm so desperate for someone to hold me right now. To love me. I need love so much that it hurts inside.
 
dubblemonkey

dubblemonkey

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so many thoughts and so many ideas!

you and I both know that you are going to repeat this behaviour well into your late twenties...

it is obvious to me that you are too young to both understand and deal with the 'horrors'...

although you have made an attempt right now!... and this I applaud sincerely.

...you have a perfectly functioning brain...and a perfectly functioning heart...

and lets discover together...( by that I mean just me)

that you have an emotional issue... and lets (by that I just mean me)... try and understand why you choose to trust your "off your face opinions" as oppose to your permanently beautiful opinions...

those thoughts that cause you to smile even when alone...

rather than some eager jerk waiting for the right time to take advantage of you.

and I realise that you will support him... because he supported you!

...but you were plastered and nobody can be trusted when you cannot trust yourself.

I wish you very well..

DM

trust me on this. : you are not a 'dumb whore'... though a very cool adaptation!

if it was true then it would not be cool...

but both apply to you... you are not and you definitely are not.

James
 
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Quickduck

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I disagree with doublemonkey; there's nothing inevitable about your behaviour, nothing to say you'll repeat it "into your late twenties". Getting wasted is currently your way of coping, but you can find another way and you will. You understand your "horrors" better than anyone else; you're not too young to understand or deal with them and you can try in the here and now.
The guy who helped you was a true and loyal friend to you. When I was younger I use to go out with a female friend who engaged in similar behaviour; I use to stay with her all night and make sure she got home ok. Not all guys will take advantage of you when you're vulnerable; some will of course, but the guy who helped you wasn't like that. When you can't trust yourself that's when you can trust a good friend to be there for you. :hug:
 
R

Raache

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Yeah, and what's even more amazing about him, is that we actually talked for the first time at that party (we have some classes together, but I was always too shy to speak to him, cause he's so damn cute). So he basically doesn't know me at all, there were people who've known be a lil bit longer and he could just tell them to take care of me, and yet he alone helped me go through the night. I'm astonished there are still guys like him. His girlfriend is so lucky, it's a shame she doesn't treat him the way he deserves. He's getting tired of her shit but he's still fighting for their relationship. And I'm embarrassed because he'll always look at me and see that vomiting, crying, half-unconscious, pathetic trash. Yay, way to go how to make the best first impression, girl... :doh:
 
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Quickduck

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And I'm embarrassed because he'll always look at me and see that vomiting, crying, half-unconscious, pathetic trash. Yay, way to go how to make the best first impression, girl... :doh:
I doubt he thinks very badly of you. :hug: Perhaps this will be your ice breaker; perhaps next time you see him you could thank him for his kindness; give him the chance to get to know and like the real you. He must care for you; I bet he'd be open to the idea of being friends; and you never know, if his current relationship doesn't work out, your friendship could always develop into more, especially now he knows that you like him. :hug:
 
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