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An Abstract Reality

A

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Jan 1, 2022
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Is it me, is it her, or is it actually both of us in a whirlwind of manifesting the conscription of the other to the perception of reality we individually subscribe to.

My only salvation is to agree, retract, apologize, confirm compulsively, and withhold all opposition to any idea, belief, moral code, and opinion that she has chosen to be her own.

Seen from her side, she will only have a life of happiness when she reluctantly chooses to sit quietly and be bombarded by my self serving ideas and inspiration, giving no input and reaponding only with positivity and acceptance.

Avoiding conflict is supposedly our shared goal, and we both feel that we are being manipulated into submission.

I know for myself, when I am making my greatest efforts to be nonconfrontational, I regularly feel that I am sidelining my own thoughts and opinions on a matter.
I am regularly making attempts to better understand what kind of behavior and speech is to be expected of me and seem to be falling short more and more often.

Do I really have such an altered perception of reality that I have a complete lack of understanding of social norms, or would I just choose not to adhere to them if nobody was to hold me accountable.
Is it wrong to asses a situation and choose what seems to be the most socially acceptable response just because it wouldnt have been my natural response.

How do I keep track of and meet the expectations of the people around me without consciously choosing to do so.

If I respond to topics and situations with my honest inuitive feelings on the matter its a gamble if I win or lose. Do I misunderstand when having a conversation with open discussion that I've actually sat down for a good ol' proselytizing.

Day before last

Her: Are we going to take route (a)?
Me: On the way back? (This implies I'm suggesting we take route (b) on the way there)
Her: Did you even check if route (b) is open?
Me: No, but I will when we get phone service.
After checking the road conditions online
Me: All good, we can take that way.
Her: You really want to take route (b) when the weather and road is always worse that way?
Me: Well we can just take route (a).
Her:Why would you even suggest the other way, you always want to take that way, the weather has been bad, its unsafe, etc.
Me: I understand the points you have made and have agreed to taking route (a).
Her: Why would you even question the route I want to take when Im driving?
Me: It seemed to me you were asking my opinion.

This unfurled on the return trip after we managed to table the issue for the now ultra tense journey there.
The return trip was about an hour and a half of me apologizing, trying to properly word my apologies, accepting all of my faults over the past 3 days that were rife with conflict caused by my inappropriate behavior.

It seems to have ended well after all that accepting blame and groveling.

Yesterday
I was at the doctor most of the day so it was uneventful.
Then we are discussing the pain that I went to the doctor for and she brings up that maybe sleeping on the couch has caused the issue.
Me: Well this issue was coming on before we got the couch.
Her: But maybe if you slept in our bed it would help.
Me: Sleeping in our bed was causing me great pain, and Ive only been on the couch because Ive been falling asleep there as we watch TV.
Her: It really upsets me that we arent sleeping in the same bed.
Me: It cause me a extreme discomfort.
Her: I understand, thats why I havent been saying anything, but it just keeps bothering me.
Me: If you understand my reasoning and feel its logical then why is it causing a mental hangup.
Her: (explodes and turns the discussion into conflict)
Me: (trying to maintain calm)
Her: Its unfair that you have made no effort to remedy our sleeping situation, yiu have not even mentioned looking for a new bed.
Me: Now I understand how I have upset you, that I am content to sleep however is suitable and am not bothered by sleeping separately.
Her: How f*cking hard is that to understand.
(Contiues yelling and dwelling in the conflict)
Me: (Thoughts of puching and ripping off the cabinet door, I then went outside in the cold and called a crisis helpline)
Having been heard and talking through the situation I felt maybe not better, but no longer agitated.
I returned inside apologizing and claiming fault.
(I slept in our bed last night and have been in terrible pain all day)

Today
Talked to my dad, didnt agree about work.
Told my wife about the discussion and she expressed similar feelings to his.
I responded that if thats the case then I should give the job more time and effort.
This became a huge conflict because I didnt simply agree or first agree and then express a willingness to commit more effort than she was suggesting.
Having thoughts of harming myself,I expressed the thoughts and realized I should remove myself from the situation so I decided I should take a drive.
She stood behind the car. I gave her the keys.
She went inside. I drove the other car maybe 20 minutes.
Came home.

She was laying on the couch so I decided to start doing laundry and cleaning our room.
The laundry and cleaning took about 2-3 hours and after seeing she had awoke, I apologized for my improper communication and was then expected to sit quietly and listen to 15 minutes of how horrible I am and all the ways I have caused her undue stress, etc.
My response is to declare that if we cannot decrease our recent level of conflict we will have to cancel or rearrange our upcoming business trip.

That was met with extreme dissatisfaction, more yelling and has only ended with her crying and me hiding in the dark grateful for some privacy to finish typing this post I started yesterday.

Considering that brings us up to date...

We both come from separated parents, past but no current drug and alcohol abuse, multiple offenses for drugs, habitual runaways as teens, transient, no stable job histories, and adolescent diagnoses of Conduct Disorder.

If there was a logical way for us to both share our side here without it causing greater conflict, it would surely help give a better understanding of my inability to operate without creating conflict but apparently all I know how to do is hide my true self from everyone but those Im subjecting to the unfairness of my "altered" perception of reality
 
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