Am i suffering with depression??

[elliemay52]

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Firstly some background..........
I am a 52 year old woman and have always considered myself strong and able to cope with whatever life throws at me and up until now that has been the case..

For several years i was my husbands carer (he had Bi polar and psychotic depression) It was a full time job and left little time to mix with other people although i did work for 8 hours a week until i was laid off in july........
Then in the August my husband packed his stuff and walked out telling me he needed to live on his own,That he didnt trust me and that i was doctoring his meds ??!!! To be honest i wasnt that shocked his psychotic outbursts were always directed at me........
Anyway he left and i heard a month later he was in a small flat with a woman friend he had attended self help meetings with.(now that did shock me).
While all was going on i have had to sign on at the Jobcentre and finding work is proving so hard..I have no work history to speak off as all my adult life has been devoted to husband and now grown children.........
So i live on £64 a week and try to survive..........Daily looking for employment.....
On top of all this my youngest daughter got married and she and her husband have moved away as he is in the army.. The normal way of things and i accept this but......... My daughter has a little girl who is nearly 2 that i bought up from the day my daughter came home with her...I bonded with her like a mother would because my girl couldnt as she was suffering with severe post natal depression..We all lived together till they all moved away in August.......... I feel like some one has died and i will never get over it...........I was so close to that little girl and she has been wrenched from me and my heart is breaking..........They will be posted to Germany very soon and i will never get the chance to see her with my finances .I asked if she could stay with me from time to time but have been told that this will unsettle her and of course i accept and understand this.............

Now if all this isnt enough ...............On the 1st of jan 2010
My eldest son and his partner are emigrating to Australia.......Permanatly........
They have a leaving do planned.........I cant go........ i cant see them off to the airport i cant even think about it without crying..
Every minute of every day i am fighting really fighting to stop myself from breaking down...The slightest thing starts me crying ,i am breaking down in the street for the silliest reason.........Its getting harder and harder to keep control.......I am so frightened that if i do break down i will not be able to control my deep sadness and do something silly...........I have thought about suicide as a very reasonable solution ..........
I dont want to go on anti depressants and if go to the GP thats all he will offer....I have taken them before and the side effects of them are vile and i am NOT going on them...........

I dont sleep i am not eating properly...........I dont have friends only my children so i have no one i can talk to.....Even if i did have mates i cant go anywhere to socialise with no spare cash..........
I know i sound like a a complete whiner and as i am writing this i am telling myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it..........For years i have done that and i fear that this final blow will tip me over the edge.............Please any help advise would be welcome...........Ellie

 

[Apotheosis]

Hi - I replied in the other thread.

It's quite possible that you are depressed. Personally I try to take a more holistic & expansive view to MH conditions. We are complex people, there are many aspects & areas that effect our well being. You could say that among such influences are physical, mental & spiritual concerns, environmental, & socio-economic - ect - you get the idea.

Given the complex nature of us, our brains, & our lives, then I would think it rational to assume that to feel better about things, a wide area of things needs to be addressed. Is the main reason for depression chemicals in our brain? Maybe in some cases. Some people appear to find a chemical solution with meds from the Doctor. Sometimes that can help. But, sometimes people need more comprehensive ways of dealing & coping with things.

Have you tried Mind, Rethink & other areas of local support in your area?

http://www.mind.org.uk/help

http://www.rethink.org/how_we_can_help/index.html

 

[telemetry9]

hello

Hello Ellie,

The first thing I thought after reading your words was quite honestly - what a wonderful woman and human being who has done so much for her family and the people she loves.

It's wonderful that people of such a calibre as you find their way to this forum as it shows what quality people come and visit here. Reading your post made me feel very glad that you are the kind of person who has done much to help other people and taken your responsibilities in life seriously.

Ellie - please be assured that in this life there are things which are important and things which aren't - as I'm quite sure you are aware. You have focused your time and energy on things which were truly important. You got your priorities right and you should never feel bad about the choices you made. You can hold your head up high. I am quite sure that your parents are very proud of you if they are still on this earth or now in heaven.

You have a lot to deal with at the moment and a lot of new beginnings. I can only say that instead of viewing these changes as endings - look at them as new beginnings. You have raised your children strong enough that they feel secure to travel and explore the world - that comes from people who know they are loved by someone. It just doesn't happen in a vacuum and by the sounds of things - that comes from you. Another reason for you to be glad in the choices you have made for your children.

I can understand how hard it is to be parted from your granddaughter but I have a feeling that pretty soon your daughter will come to the realization that mum's like you are few and far between and will be asking her husband about coming back to Britan. She is finding her independence in her relationship with her husband but it's more than likely she will come back to you and want to live near you.

Honestly; it makes me emotional to read your words Ellie. You don't know what a wonderful person you are and have been. You have lived your life in in love and integrity and deserve the very best.

I don't know if you believe that everything happens for a reason but I do. Even things which seem painful at the time can become wonderful opportunities in time - things we didn't even envisage.

This is your life now Ellie. Your time - you have worked hard and perhaps this is the time for you to rest and look after yourself. Be kind to yourself and don't panic at these changes (although I know it is easy to say that); you will survive. You have been through much greater things and come out a stronger person.

I just want to say that I think you are an inspiration as a human being - so please - be kind to yourself. Time will reveal new opportunities for you - I'm quite sure.

God bless you
robert.

 

[elliemay52]

Thankyou

Hello Robert,
Thankyou so much for your kind words.It touched me deeply.........

I also like to think Events do not happen randomly...........

I sat and thought about things last night and i know i still have so much more to give.....Thats what frightens me ,not being needed!!! If that makes sense??

I will allow myself to heal and grieve,i am supposed to feel this way and then i may think about fostering as a way to help others and myself.........
I should have had 10 children and a husband But as this isnt what life had mapped out for me i will have to seek an alternative.....

I think i am just afraid that all this change and stress will make me ill before i have the chance to get over it..... ..
All i can do is try to be strong and it helps me to know that people like yourself take the time and trouble to answer my post...........

Thankyou again ellie carter

 

[telemetry9]

Ellie,

As long as you know you're not alone.

robert.

 

[loonatoon]

Hi Ellie

I just wanted to give you a big hug when I read what you are going through. It really made me emotional and although I can only begin to understand how you are feeling, I just wanted you to know that you can not give up.

Turn everything negative into a positive. You are a truly caring person and are happiest when you feel needed and love. I really think social care could be something you could step into in time, when you are ready.

I am only 23, I do not have children but I do look after two teenagers with autism at the weekend, it has to be the highlight of my week. Just seeing how content they are, depsite what problems they may face on a daily basis, it makes me smile and it so rewarding hearing them laugh and enjoying theirselves.

These forums are fantastic for throwing ideas around about how we can help ourselves when we get to an all time low, just be good to yourself and never feel guilty for feeling the way you do. We are all here to listen.

I know how hard it is in the current climate trying to find a job that pays enough to cover the bills, you have to big up all the experiene you have with over coming difficult situations, bringing up a fantastic family, being able to adapt to change and still wanting to give give give.

I dont want to startle you with too much information but I feel I want to help you get through this.

Have you considered volunteering for the NSPCC and Childline? I'm not sure where you are from but my local office are holding an open evening in January. This would be a great way for you to meet friends. There are other charities like barnardos too, if you want to have a look on their web sites.

I hope this helps you a little, please get in touch if you want to talk.

Take care,

Bex X

 

[elliemay52]

thank you

Thankyou for your kind words,particuly today as i cant seem to stop crying!!

I want so much for my sons last few days to be happy ones and i cant because i am soooo sad.......
I have explained to him that i cant help it and he understands.Bless him.......

I know i will get over this in time and when i do i will pick up the pieces and cope....I will look for things to take up my time and will most likely go down the social care route........

But i think i have to heal first and goodness knows how long that will take..

I wish right now they had a pill to mend a broken heart!! Now wouldnt that be good

Thankyou again its so nice to know i am not alone......Elliemay Carter

 

[telemetry9]

I believe most people do the best with what they have.

It angers and hurts me when others feel they have the right to judge people with depression whose lives have been scarred by it - through no fault of their own.

I think it is wonderful when someone has the strength to continue and find new reasons to continue but no one has the right to judge those who have been overwhelmed by depression after many years of fighting it (I include myself). You don't know the individual circumstances or the journey that person has taken that may stop them from having the spirit to continue as they once did.

Who has the right to judge that person?

robert.

ps. i'd love for all G.P's to read this - including my own.

 

[starfish]

elliemay52

take care of yourself.keep posting.

 

[elliemay52]

They have gone

Well my son left today for Australia..........I couldnt be here when he left for the airport i had to to be somewhere else.......I had to say good bye on the phone i am so broken hearted........

I have to keep pulling myself together for fear of losing control completly... I keep telling myself that this pain will ease that i will get used to him not being just around the corner.
When i walked throught the door today at 3pm things of his and his partner were everywhere and i really thought i cant deal with this........

I know i have too.I feel sure if that last 7 months or so had been different then i would have been more able to cope.....
The logical part of my brain is still working well enough to know that i will get through this and learn to live with the loss in time.The ilogical part is wanting to scream and cry and jump of the nearest bridge to take the pain away.....

I wouldnt i am not brave enough to do anything to myself i dont think it has ever been a cowards way out at all...But and i have felt this for a good few years i would not be overly concerned if i found out i only had a short time left.......I know its incredibly selfish but living,normal day to day living is damn hard work and not in the least bit enjoyable........I lay awake at night and often say out loud........Ok thats it i have had enough i would like to fall asleep and not wake up thankyou!! I dont know who i am talking to but i say it anyway...maybe i do need those god awful pills that make you emotionless?? Anyway on a lighter note Happy New Year to one and all.Elliemay x

 

[quality factor]

Hi, sorry to hear how you are feeling, it is understandable that you will be experiencing such anguish.
Give it time and you will come to terms with your son's departure for Australia,perhaps you will be able to speak on the phone again soon?
Your emotions will be all over the place at the moment and you are bound to have illogical thoughts mixed in with the logical ones.
There is many a time that I wish I could just shut my eyes and it will all go away, but we have to deal with things bit by bit, don't rush yourself go at a pace which feels comfortable to you.
Sometimes medication can help or councelling or a combination of both.

Keep posting and good luck, I hope things ease for you.

qf.

 

[telemetry9]

ok

Ellie,

The sense you are talking about - not wanting to live - is a part of depression.

Don't close the door on medication. It's part of what keeps me living my life.

You've had a lot of care and responsibility in your life and perhaps these burdens have led you down the path of being depressed. It's not unlikely and very different from the depression your husband had.

You deserve to fight for yourself now Ellie and at least try to make your quality of life and living - better.

I know what you mean when you don't want to continue living. The weight of things seems just to much and life seems like a cruel kind of punishment - that's depression. In the past people had little to help them but the extremes of drinking or drugs but anti depressants are very different from that. They can be a real therapy towards alleviating the imbalance of chemicals that bloody hard lives and stress can bring to so many of us.

Don't let the depression trick you into not taking a therapeutic drug that might just work for you. It won't be a complete cure but it could give you a lot of relief from the pain of depression - enough for you see your life again and make those days seem less cruel.

Do your research and give yourself a chance. Make that appointment with you GP and tell them what you want....

You don't deserve to suffer this way. It's not been so long since I was in the middle of that awful pain and there are still times in the day and days when I feel that way - but not all the time now.

Fight for yourself now.

robert.

 

[jamesdean]

Ellie you have recieved such ;lovely replies I just wanted to add that my nan said everything in life happens for a reason n so through your heart ache this will be the start of a new beggining has robert says.
I'm pleased you have found mhf its agreat start and we will support hasmuch has we can n hopefully it will be a place to dicuss your future n shout about the bad days let it be your punching bag for now we are strongcollectively
Take care refgards JD x