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Am I scared to be loved?

A

antipsionic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
I've been in a relationship with the same woman for the past four and a half years. She loves me dearly and pretty much completely unconditionally, though she does nag me a bit sometimes about the more serious aspects of my screwed up personality and alcohol problems.

She's taught me a lot of things about what it means to be in a proper relationship, one that isn't based on mutual addiction to substances.

She has mental health problems herself and we really got on well when we first met due to our similar experiences of psychosis and the mental health system.

I love her as well, though its not with the same intense passion I've felt in some past liaisons, but this may be due to the level of emotional numbness I experience due to the medication, its more like a sense of emotional understanding and companionship.

The thing is I'm scared to be involved at this kind of level, she's brought out warm feelings in me that I have trouble dealing with, I had an exceptionally abusive childhood and really don't know how to deal with relationship at this level, before I met her I was a cold hearted, cynical bastard who had a lair of armour against the world. Don't get me wrong, I had empathy, I used to cry when I saw a famine victim or war child on the telly, I just didn't let it get in the way of waht I wanted or the way I dealt with the harder aspects of the world.

I've tried to end the relationship before, I really hate the idea of anyone being
emotionally and psychologically dependent on me and when I have she's pretty much broken down and ended up in hospital. Right now she's going through problems with her family and is in a fairly bad way yet I still feel the need to walk away and because of that I feel like a right (and excuse the expression any female board members) c**t.

I feel the need to walk away from my life and head out on the road, living rough and drifting from town to town like I have done in the past.

Because I never had any love in my childhood am I scared of being loved as an adult? I really don't want to hurt her, the thought of anything happening to her really brings out my defencive feelings, but at the same time I really want to walk away.

I know I'm messed up, please don't judge me to harshly. I'm really unsure of myself right now and don't know how to deal with these feelings. She's given me so much and don't want to throw it back in her face.

Any advice would be really appreciated.
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi,

I don't really know what to say, except that I never usually recommend a book but I wonder if Alice Millers books might put some perspective on your issues.

Her observations and experience and dedication to her work and mission, means her books can provide a startling perspective on some of the issues you describe.

Here is her website, her books are available in many online shops.

http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php
 
A

antipsionic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
Thanks for the advice Sapphire, a brief read of the blurb on the website sounds like it could point me in a direction.
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
The front page of that site might be a little mis-leading, it may give the impression of being just about fighting a cause like the NSPCC. However her books go much further than that, and really go into detail that I have never encountered before in other books I have read.

I read this book first, I couldn't put it down once I started reading it.

http://www.alice-miller.com/books_en.php?page=7

She lists all the books she has written, it might be worth reading the synopsis of each one to see which you might be most interested in.
 
A

antipsionic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
Thanks again.

In some ways all I really want right now is to have another bottle of wine or go out and score some drugs for the first time in 18 months to switch off the way I am feeling, but I know if I do that I'm just avoiding the issue and not letting myself deal with my emotions.

I feel so isolated now and don't feel I can talk to anyone without upsetting them or putting something on their plate that they don't have the ability to deal with.
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
If it is another bottle of wine you want, it may be that the previous one is giving you a low mood, alcohol is a depressant and it is easy to forget it's effects in this way.

Perhaps the craving for that wine is a way of blocking things out for you, but as you said pushing things away does not help. It can help to view your emotions like a punch bag, that the more you push it away the more it will spring back at you and hit you full in the face.

I can understand the isolation, and not wanting to put on someone but sometimes you have to put yourself first. Perhaps talking to a counsellor or therapist who's priority is to listen and take on board your issues might make you feel more comfortable about talking.

You can always talk here. If it is likely to be upsetting you can always put a trigger warning up so members can choose to read or not.

Or you can start a journal which I find is a good way of getting my feelings out there as and when they arise.

I do believe that talking about things, getting feelings and thoughts and emotions out in the open when you are dealing with issues can help you process what has happened and gain some perspective on your life.
 
A

antipsionic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
Well, there were two bottles of wine left, but I decided to have a cup of tea instead! So maybe things are a little better.

I just needed to express myself, I find that letting my emotions and thoughts out always calms me in a way, I used to be able to do that a lot when I lived in supported housing, I always had someone to talk to, now I live in the community with very little follow up its a little harder and I didn't have enough credit on my phone to call rethink's focus line or anything similar.

Once again appreciated Sapphire.
 
Q

quigon

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 6, 2009
Messages
58
Location
Portsmouth
Hi. I'm quite a new member on this site and don't know many people here but I see you have posted quite a lot. Having read about your situation there are one or two questions I'd like to ask if I may? One is, what sort of reponsibilities do you have in your life? I ask because the fact you suggest you could get up and wander from town to town suggests you don't have many. The other question is, what do you want to be doing in one years time? Where do you want to be living? What work do you want to be doing? With whom would you like to be socializing?
 
A

antipsionic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
Thanks for the reply quigon.

Before I was ill I had an ok job (not brilliant but enough to have an ok flat in a reasonable part of town) and give me an ok life. When I wasn't working I used to hang about with a lot of artistic and musical type people smoking dope all the time and doing other recreational drugs at weekends, I probably had a number of episodes of schizophrenia but always put them down to over doing it with the recreational chemicals so stopped for a bit until my head was sorted out and got on with my life.

About seven years ago I had a major delusional episode and ended up in hospital, when I came out I walked away from my job and my friends, I knew that if I carried on taking drugs I wouldn't get better. I had sick pay from my job and just drifted from place to place for a few months, living out of soup kitchens and getting medication from homeless medical services, never staying in one place for long.

After a few months of this I decided to sort myself out, came home and got in a hostel, from there I moved on to a supported housing project for people with mental health problems.

For the next couple of years I was in and out of hospital, on various medications until they found one that worked. I stayed away from my drug using friends but took to drinking a lot to deal with the fact that I screwed up my life. I've got a bit of a grip on my alcohol problems I can stay sober for several months before relapsing and it usually only takes me a couple of days to stop again.

In terms of responsibility I've never been responsible for anyone except myself and the thought of that scares me. I saw the way that the people who were responsible for me when I was a child messed me up.

I now have a diagnosis of schizophrenia and feel like I'm together enough to go back to college for a couple of days a week and learn something new. What scares me is what I say when someone asks me what I do? Do I tell them I have a mental health problem or schizophrenia? Given society's general ignorance about schizophrenia I feel that most people will regard me as a chainsaw wielding maniac whose going to decapitate them at the drop of a hat. Plus the fact that I don't have a job anymore and the right wing press' rants about sick benefit scroungers I basically feel I'm worthless and that I would be better off as bum where no-one is going to judge me.

I had to repress my emotions so much as a child, any display of emotion was seen as weakness and would result in further beatings and psychological abuse that I'm scared of showing and feeling anything now.

Anyway thanks for the interest in my problems, asking me where I want to be in a few years time is the sort of question I used to ask myself. You've given me something to think about.
 
Q

quigon

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 6, 2009
Messages
58
Location
Portsmouth
Thank you Antip. My pleasure. Something else you might want to consider is a philosophy of mine that has helped anumber of people already and that is, mulling over the past, what was, does nobody any good. To get on in life you should only think of the future and where you want to be. That way you can plan for it rather than let it plan for you.
 
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