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Am I really better?

SwanLake

SwanLake

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,169
I think I have had a truly profound moment in my battle with BPD.
Having been diagnosed less than a year ago, I finally understood why I had been so irresponsible, impulsive, reckless and hurtful to those closest to me. I had many self destructive traits and coping mechanisms. Whilst it’s easy to justify them and use BPD as an excuse, the shame, the embarrassment, the humiliation and guilt would always be there. It was a never ending cycle of perpetual suffering. So I decided to do something about it. I embarked on a journey of self help and therapy (although I did nowhere enough of the latter). Six months on from being diagnosed my suffering had eased and I felt better. I felt I’d recovered. I was well.
I started to feel bored at this point with little stimulus in my life. I’ll invest in high risk shares I thought, I’ll go back onto Social Media to follow people invested in my companies. I am well now I said to myself, there is no threat to me, no danger, this isn’t self destructive. I began to struggle, stress returned, I coped my finding a FP from my followers and smoking myself to death. I began a really negative cycle. To compound things my sister died. I became depressed. Late last Friday night I broke down, grief stricken. In my moment of deep despair I suddenly realised I wasn’t better at all. I never had been. I can’t continue like this I said to myself, I am going to lose everything I love and end up dead.
For whatever reason, I turned to my self help, I searched the Internet on things like Splitting (Black and White thinking), Interpersonal Relationships and most importantly a word called Disassociating. A light bulb went off in my head. I thought I suppressed my trauma and emotion, I thought I detached from situations, I thought I buried them and could cope with life. I was wrong. I hadn’t just detached from situations I had totally disassociated from living in the real world. I had and have always been simply too afraid to live in the real world and here I was disassociated with increasing episodes of paranoia.
I finally understand my condition. I switched into being mindful, probably for the first time in my life I was living in the real world. I finally saw things around me. Truly see them, my wife, my son, my material possessions, nature everything. This wasn’t actually frightening at all I thought to myself. Although losing my coping mechanisms is painful I like me as I am. I have I think finally accepted myself, my situation and who I am. Although a little fragile I’m no longer afraid to live in the here and now. The real world. It’s a little daunting but I don’t ever intend to go back to those dark places.
I think, although with our mood swings I must be mindful and take things one day at a time, that I may have finally recovered. I think I can live with my BPD and manage it so I can live a normal and happy life. I no longer expect this but I truly hope for it. I’m pretty confident however I have got to a place that I thought was totally unobtainable, calm and peaceful. It’s just such a shame it’s taken a fucking lifetime to get there lol. As they say though, better late than never!!
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
645
Location
London, ON
I'm glad you're back on track.

Here's the thing, though - BPD doesn't really go away. The potential is always there, if you get complacent.

I'm not raining on your parade - I'm just saying part of doing well with BPD means always keeping an eye out for a "relapse". Boredom, or what we see as boredom, is always dangerous for us.

I mean, you can control it long term, and mindfulness is a great help to doing it. And, great work getting to this point, and I hope you maintain your balance.
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,169
I'm glad you're back on track.

Here's the thing, though - BPD doesn't really go away. The potential is always there, if you get complacent.

I'm not raining on your parade - I'm just saying part of doing well with BPD means always keeping an eye out for a "relapse". Boredom, or what we see as boredom, is always dangerous for us.

I mean, you can control it long term, and mindfulness is a great help to doing it. And, great work getting to this point, and I hope you maintain your balance.
I fully understand what you are saying, it’s like a serious addiction, you have to take one day at a time and forever by mindful. Six days in and everything is going well, for now.
 
Acorn

Acorn

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
722
Location
England
I agree bpd doesn’t go away it’s a matter of learning to live with and manage the symptoms which it sounds like you’re doing. That’s great :clap:
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jun 16, 2015
Messages
1,008
Location
depends on what time I post.
That's really good to hear Swan, I like your optimism, having the breakthrough is a fantastic feeling, but please do not become complacent. I'm going to open up a little and tell you a bit of my story.

2.5 years ago I completed therapy, and really thought I'd got it. I knew what I had, I knew where I was going and I knew what I needed to do, I was cured.

I catalogued it on this forum, from start to finish and after. It was the after bit that frustrated me. I realised that while actually Yes I do know it, Yes I have all the skills, and Yes I see the world in reality. I also realised that S was right, I would need therapy on and off for the rest of my life and that annoyed me. There are times when I become overwhelmed and fit the BPD criteria and times when I don't, the gaps between the 2 are becoming longer and I'm stable for longer periods of time now.

But it cost me, I have a team of staff, I work with who all know what I have, I had to be open, honest and ask them to protect me. In meetings they keep an eye on me, make sure I don't say anything out of turn (I was removed from a position I really liked because I said something someone didn't want to hear). That took time to resolve, I ended up having to put a formal grievance in against the management. But, I only did this after discussing it with a few trusted people and asking advice, just to make sure what I was feeling was justified.

S was right, I have had 2 more sessions of therapy since we finished, 1 x 6 weeks short therapy just because I was feeling overwhelmed, and 1 x 20 week therapy because the neurologist felt that some of my physical symptoms were psychologically based.
Last year I started what I hope is the last of the "big therapies" a 20 week course of EMDR, the problem was at around session 14, I was so distressed we spent the next 6 weeks just talking. I start again on Monday coming, E (my new consultant psychotherapist) has said I'm in for another 20 weeks, which is 40 weeks in total as we only do 1 every 2 weeks, I don't think I could do any closer, and then it's up for review again. He decides whether I need more.

Today I'm good, I'm working hard, preparing to deliver my PhD research at an international conference in Barcelona in April. I'm (off sick until March as I'm having surgery) but I'm not panicking which would have been my default position because I "should" be working.
Today I don't have BPD according to the ICD criteria, but who knows in 3 months I could be sat on the edge, needing to talk to a psychologist just because.

So keep the optimism but please don't forget the condition behind it, and make sure you can differentiate whether you are having a "High" moment where you can conquer the world or you really are stable.

Take care and continued good luck
Poppy
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,169
That's really good to hear Swan, I like your optimism, having the breakthrough is a fantastic feeling, but please do not become complacent. I'm going to open up a little and tell you a bit of my story.

2.5 years ago I completed therapy, and really thought I'd got it. I knew what I had, I knew where I was going and I knew what I needed to do, I was cured.

I catalogued it on this forum, from start to finish and after. It was the after bit that frustrated me. I realised that while actually Yes I do know it, Yes I have all the skills, and Yes I see the world in reality. I also realised that S was right, I would need therapy on and off for the rest of my life and that annoyed me. There are times when I become overwhelmed and fit the BPD criteria and times when I don't, the gaps between the 2 are becoming longer and I'm stable for longer periods of time now.

But it cost me, I have a team of staff, I work with who all know what I have, I had to be open, honest and ask them to protect me. In meetings they keep an eye on me, make sure I don't say anything out of turn (I was removed from a position I really liked because I said something someone didn't want to hear). That took time to resolve, I ended up having to put a formal grievance in against the management. But, I only did this after discussing it with a few trusted people and asking advice, just to make sure what I was feeling was justified.

S was right, I have had 2 more sessions of therapy since we finished, 1 x 6 weeks short therapy just because I was feeling overwhelmed, and 1 x 20 week therapy because the neurologist felt that some of my physical symptoms were psychologically based.
Last year I started what I hope is the last of the "big therapies" a 20 week course of EMDR, the problem was at around session 14, I was so distressed we spent the next 6 weeks just talking. I start again on Monday coming, E (my new consultant psychotherapist) has said I'm in for another 20 weeks, which is 40 weeks in total as we only do 1 every 2 weeks, I don't think I could do any closer, and then it's up for review again. He decides whether I need more.

Today I'm good, I'm working hard, preparing to deliver my PhD research at an international conference in Barcelona in April. I'm (off sick until March as I'm having surgery) but I'm not panicking which would have been my default position because I "should" be working.
Today I don't have BPD according to the ICD criteria, but who knows in 3 months I could be sat on the edge, needing to talk to a psychologist just because.

So keep the optimism but please don't forget the condition behind it, and make sure you can differentiate whether you are having a "High" moment where you can conquer the world or you really are stable.

Take care and continued good luck
Poppy
Thank you so much for your post. I do fully realise this is a lifetime condition that I need to manage, in my case through constant self help, meditation, exercise and yoga. I have to remain calm and stress free as much as possible. You are right in your assumption that my initial reaction bordered on Hyper mode which ironically is the hardest thing to conquer for me. But being mindful has allowed me to be calm and stable, at least for the last few days. The battle continues and I remain optimistic. The important thing is now I hope rather than expect. Thx for posting.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,646
So much to unpack here.

i am left feeling like you have not given time to you.

You need to acknowledge the most recent blow. And that you have tried to be Don Quixote .

We have talked. I have told you to stop doing this all or nothing approach. No one can sustain that. That baby steps are needed.

Its a horrific response to our disorder. Black and white, all or nothing.

you know that book I always link? Order it today and do one section at a time.

stop drowning. We are all here with life preservers.
 
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