am i real?

[Kate]

Hi,

i've not idea even where to start, but here goes. I've been seeing a counselor for a few months as it felt like there was a war in my head... this has been going on for as long as i can remember, but it's as if i'm 'only allowed to see it' now and then. the rest of the time i live in a fog... like i'm watching my life on tv and looking on at myself. i don't feel anything... juts numb. the only thing i do ever feel is scared... it's like when i 'suddenly see' what's going on i'm scared to death and scared of even existing as it feels like i don;t most of the time. if i'm with other people it fels like i'm not there or invisible... like i could run around the room screaming and not be noticed. i have conflicting thoughts about everything... as if i'm thinking 10 different things at once... all with a different opinion. i often drift off 'into myself'... i don;t know where i go and time just seems to disappear... this is reallt affecting my work. it's as if even when i' working or doing something that i'm not really doing it... that i'm watching myself and it's being narated in my head. often feel like i'm having conversations in my head between all these different parts of me... yet can't quite hear or tune into what they're saying. i know it's not'voices'... i know it's me... yet it doesn;t feel like it.

i can't get close to anybody as i don;t feel anything, and even though a part of me yearns to be with somebody... another part can't... if i can't feel anything how can i be with someone? it's not fair on them. i can;t even feel close to friends and family... and when people say good things about me, i can;t believe them, as it's as if they're not saying them about me... how can they be... they don;t see the real me or what's going on inside.

i've been told before, when i went to the gp that i was depressed... i know i'm not... my brother has depression and i know the signs and have thought deeply about whether i am... but i'm not... this is different... i'm not depressed, i just don't feel anything... i just feel numb.

the best example i can give of this 'war in my head' is when i g clothes shopping... i can't stand it... it's as if there's all these different parts of me that all have different tastes and like different things... i end up feeling lost and don;t buy anything as it's as if i don;t know which bit i'm buying it for or there's no agreement about what to buy.

this is just part of it. i've felt like this as long as i can remember (my memory is also bad... it's as if sometimes i don't have a past as i struggle to remember it)...

i guess i just wanted to get this out. my therapist is great, but i wonder if he really get's it. does anyone else feel like this?

 

[Dollit]

Numbness is a part of depression for a lot of people and two people rarely have the exact pattern to their depression, just common factors.

I can only speak from personal experience here but when I was younger I would often have those arguments going on in my head and I was told that they were thoughts that voices were something else. Having heard voices they were different. But I can't comment on yours.

Have you thought about asking for a referral to a psychiatrist. Or printing out your posting and taking it to your GP?

 

[saffron]

Hi kate and welcome to the forum.
theres a lot going on in your head then?
depression effects people in different ways especially when combined with high levels of stress. I often feel numb and that I incabable of love, even though I think I give it, and yet I just can keep it, sometimes I can be in a group of people I know and feel I should not be there like I do not belong and yet I know I have as much right in being there as anyone else. because of the way I feel about I feel less important, more left out, and that lowered my self esteem, and the depression made it worse I then hated buying stuff for myself and hated looking at myself in the mirror.
my counsellor just sits there, but I understand why, I dont see it as they just sit there nodding, I see it as a way of being given the opportunity in digging deeper and opening up new reasonings for what I am going through, because you have time to sit and think whilst talking to someone who just listens and asks appropriate questions,
anyway you are not alone, and hope you find something positive out of talking about it on the forum.
best wishes
S

 

[Twylight]

What your describing sounds like Dissociation - do you feel you've lost or losing your indentity sometimes ?

It might be an Idea to write your thoughts down and show them to your Doctor

 

[Kate]

hi everyone,

Thanks for your kind messages. I'm sorry it's taken so long to reply, but i found the thought of coming back really hard and kind of just blocked out that i'd even posted.

yes... i do feel like i've lost my identity.... it's like i have no idea who i am, but have all these different parts of me that feel all disconnected, as if they don't belong to me. the 'war' in my head i mentioned is like a battle between all the different parts of me all that all think different things and i'm lost somewhere in the middle of it all. i have no idea who i am or what i like. for example, sometimes when i'm sat at work, it's as if i forget who i am and what i do, as if i've drifted off.

thanks again
k x