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Am I over-dramatizing? Trigger warning

DwarfRabbit

DwarfRabbit

New member
Joined
Jun 30, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Germany
It all started when I went to elementary school.
I was a little bit delayed in language development and I've read that this can cause struggles in school.
I was a slow learner compared to my class mates. It just didn't get in my head how reading and calculating worked. I also made tons of mistakes at dictations till 5th grade. My father began to scold at me bc I seemed to never learn it.
In 1st grade I haven't realized at first why the heck he suddenly yelled at me...
I didn't learn faster and his outbursts of anger repeated themselves regularly.
However, while I became very good in German spelling and punctuation, I still didn't get better at math. He always checked my homeworks and learned maths w/ me in holidays. It always ended in a tantrum of him and crying on my part. His outbursts were very intense as he's very impulsive. He scolded at me and shook me.
He said that I'm a heap of misery and that I should stop crying.
When I took bad grades at home he made the hell hot.
I developed a fear of failure over the time and became depressive. I felt stupid, never good enough and like a burden to my parents. That's why I ran away from home for the first time in 4th grade and tried to kms. My family always catched me and brang me back home. I don't know if my father was still mad or if he apologized. Idk anymore.
In middle school I couldn't endure it anymore and I tried to fake his signature in one math test.
He saw it and his anger exploded. I can't remember what he said in this situation but he slapped me on my face.
I would never fake his signature like other kids but I was so scared of him that I saw no other way. His outbursts were frightening and I always felt unconscious.
He also scolded me for other things. Everytime I made mistakes, were clumsy, forgot smth or my social anxiety. He called me names sometimes and laughed at me one time when I admitted that I'm really afraid of situation x.
With 14 I told my story someone for the first time during my 1st stay in psychiatry. I cried a lot when I told this my clinic psychologist. I was told that I shouldn't listen to him and that I shouldn't take it too honestly.
After that I avoided talking about it bc I always started to cry when I remembered this all.

Now I'm asking myself if it was really that bad? I'm probably over-dramatizing.
Like other said it's just scolding - it can't be that horrifying. He also slapped me one time proberly, it can't be that awful bc it was just one time. It's probably all my fault. It's all my fault that he scolded at me bc if I weren't dumb, clumsy, forgetful and anxious he wouldn't have a reason to be mad at me! It's all my fault that I developed a severe social anxiety disorder and depression. Other kids in this world are beaten up regulary or are sexually assaulted - that's horrible!
My story is nothing compared to that. I have no reason to feel bad. I'm weak and fragile and that's why I cry all the time enduring his tantrums and remembering my childhood!

Does anyone has familiar experiences w/ things like this and how do you experienced that?
 
B

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
776
Location
England
Dwarf rabbit, you have very valid reasons for being upset. All children make mistakes but it sounds like your father could not accept this. He has been so hard on you. You are not dumb at all. We are all different and you have been made to feel like you are not intelligent. Your dad handled your whole schooling so harshly. You never deserved to be slapped. It is sad when you told him you felt afraid, he responded by mocking you.

I think you were brave to open up about this to a therapist but there response was not helpful. What you have been through is traumatic. You do not need to compare your pain to other peoples. The very fact you are in pain is enough. I think you could really benefit from seeing a supportive therapist to work through all this. You need to learn that you are not to blame in any way. We do not have depression or social anxiety through our own actions. These are conditions that need to be managed.

I am so sorry for your pain. I hope I have not upset you by not agreeing with your fathers methods. I believe you are worthy of better.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,150
Dwarf rabbit, you have very valid reasons for being upset. All children make mistakes but it sounds like your father could not accept this. He has been so hard on you. You are not dumb at all. We are all different and you have been made to feel like you are not intelligent. Your dad handled your whole schooling so harshly. You never deserved to be slapped. It is sad when you told him you felt afraid, he responded by mocking you.

I think you were brave to open up about this to a therapist but there response was not helpful. What you have been through is traumatic. You do not need to compare your pain to other peoples. The very fact you are in pain is enough. I think you could really benefit from seeing a supportive therapist to work through all this. You need to learn that you are not to blame in any way. We do not have depression or social anxiety through our own actions. These are conditions that need to be managed.

I am so sorry for your pain. I hope I have not upset you by not agreeing with your fathers methods. I believe you are worthy of better.
Well said. Fear is fear, if endured for any length of time in my opinion it induces trauma...
 
R

Rooooo997

Member
Joined
Jun 19, 2020
Messages
16
Location
Uk
Parents are supposed to nurture their children. Your dad was a bully. This is most certainly not your fault and I feel very sad about your situation.
 
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