am i losing it?

[djowen]

something happened today that made me look back on a lot of past situations that i normally would have written off as irresponsibility, or simple forgetfulness, too much alcohol, or the fact that the intelligence of others around me is inferior to my own.....and today, i'm thinking i may have a serious problem....

medical history: i am 27 year old male, nothing has happened to me that i feel has caused any mental trauma, the only thing that may have effected me mentally that i can think of is alcohol. i have never abused drugs, nor do i take ANY medication, i'm for the most part very health oriented, did like to party a lot with the alcohol from age 19-26ish, i have been sober for 97 days, not that i ever got out of control with alcohol, but it was hard for me to stop once i started, and i felt it was best i just didn't drink anymore

my wife is constantly annoyed with me, because apparently i will forget entire conversations that we had, i used to argue that she tries to talk to me while i'm busy doing other things and i can't concentrate on her voice and read/type/watch tv/study/etc at the same time, but she insists that i speak with her face to face, and literally do not remember entire conversations

my wife and coworkers tell me i said things i know i would never say, nothing bad, just random things (for example my chef [Malcolm] asked me why i told one of my servers [Paislie]that he was a "trekkie" i told him that was strange and i don't remember telling her that, in fact I had never in my life had a conversation with Malcolm about "Star Trek" [which i found out that day he hates, lol], I asked Paislie about it, and she said we had a conversation about movies and TV and how funny I thought it was that Chef Malcom loves Star Trek; i recently also apparently told my wife that i saw some movie with my sister[my wife was still upset that i saw this movie without her, i don't remember what movie it was]but it was a movie i have never seen nor had any interest in seeing)

what's really effecting me recently is I have been showing up to work on days off, and not showing up on scheduled days (this is particularly bad since I MAKE the schedule..and what has made me start thinking about this whole "am i losing it" thing)

I have learned through the years when two people disagree over something of unimportance, it is best to let it go, or "save face", I find myself often disagreeing with the way a particular situation happened, I always seem to remember details differently than others. I always just assumed that my memory is better than others', and I just "let them think they're right" to avoid a silly argument, and thinking back even in childhood i remember fighting with friends and my sister a lot because they "remembered something wrong", which now I'm second guessing myself on all these situations

In a little soul searching today, wondering if it's possible there might be something wrong, I think about something that has always bothered me...the fact that I have to fake a lot of emotions. A certain apathy I have for things I probably should care about, things I know other people would be very sad for, or very happy for, I find myself pretending to be very happy or pretending to be very sad, etc

I have a hard time concentrating. I feel like I'm in a cloud of thoughts and it takes a great deal of concentration to organize those thoughts. My brain is almost always thinking about everything that's going on in my life at the same time, it's very annoying. I don't believe this is ADD, I feel like I can actually see the thoughts going through my head but can't control them; there are certain things I am better at, like writing seems to come smoothly as long as someone doesn't interrupt me(which agitates me a lot and i'm normally very easy-going), and no matter how "cloudy" I am I always find clarity during driving, and am a very alert driver(as i've been told), things that include constant "motion" of thought come easy. Had a new job for the past 3 months as a restaurant manager, and since i've been in this position i find it very hard to get things done, i am always forgetting important things, even though i have a paper pad on me and try to write EVERYTHING down, i still seem to somehow forget, i've even noticed i've made notes in my pad and have no idea what i meant

anyway, i currently don't have any insurance, and i make too much money for medicare/medicaid type stuff, otherwise i would probably make an apmnt. to see someone, i've self diagnosed and treated myself for physical ailments, and i figure why not at least get some insight from others on if i need help, and things i can try to make this better...

or do i just sound like i need to relax and take a vacation, and all this is silly?

 

[djowen]

re-reading what i've posted sounds like i'm very casually asking for insight, this is very real and scary to me if anyone has any thoughts it would be very appreciative

 

[Scared with BPD]

You don't sound silly at all ....

Hi

I hope you had a wander around this forum before or after posting your message, as you will find that the feeling of being silly, doesn't exist. If it is enough to make you write then obviously it is something that needs to be addressed.

I am certainly no MH expert, but I do know then when I have things on my mind that I am not addressing, then I cannot focus properly, even when I think I am, so I don't recall some things. Also when I am feeling really tense or anxious I find that my thought process is all over the place, which includes not remembering saying things as sometimes I go into auto-pilot.

Anyway, I know you say it would be difficult, but I do think you should at least call someone, even if you cannot afford to see someone to talk at more length about your current experiences.

Hope I'm not being presumptious, but from the wording you used it sounds likes you are in the States? Sorry if I got that wrong and realise now I should have looked at your profile details, see I take my eye off the ball often, it's just that I worked for a US company based in London for seven years, so guess I'm highly tuned to language etc.

If that is the case, then do they have freephone helpline numbers, like we do here in the UK?

Hope you get some reassurance and try and take it easy.

Claire

 

[schiz01]

Sounds to me like you are going through a bit of a transition in life.You mention in the past you have used alcohol a bit.Maybe you were using this to hide from your inner problems and ignore them or push them aside.I have found the older you get the harder it is to hide from yourself.I think if you do a little soul searching you will be able to find a balance.Remember not to be too hard on yourself and allow yourself time to work things through.It may even be a good idea to go see a psychologist to help get you started.
Just my 2 cents
Best of luck

 

[djowen]

lol, yes i am from us...

I don't know if we have free hotlines to call, I didn't think about that, I will look for some, I'm sure there are, thanks for your input....i know i should do something, maybe i can schedule myself off for 4 days in a row and try to relax and reflect

thanks

 

[Johnny]

Hi
I am new to these forums but just saw your post and had to respond.
Everything you describe happened to me ! It sort of took my breath away.

Four months ago I was forgetting all sorts of things, even driving to work became a task as I always ended up elsewhere. I had so many thoughts going on in my head. Conversations that I just could not remember, turning up for work on days off etc.
I have suffered depression on and off for many many years but always managed to get through without any help or meds. I would inject all my thoughts into writing music or anything creative. Exercise would always get me out of a crisis. I never considered myself to be too bad until I had too many thoughts going on, so much so that I got really scared. To cut a long story short I went to see my Doc who referred me for a mental health assessment.
They think I have bi polar but I am now awaiting an appt with a psychiatirist for a diagnosis.
Anyway I just wanted to say that its worth seeing your doc for an assessment rather than guessing what it might be. The scary bit is not knowing ! It could be anything even stress but get a professional diagnosis..at least you will get an idea of whats going on

Hope everything goes well for you.

 

[djowen]

thank you very very much, i guess i'll have to scrounge up some money and see if there's someone i can afford....your right about the scariest part being not knowing...

my wife was mad at me all day yesterday and this morning because i blew up at her and called her some things i shouldn't have...this is not me, but at least i can remember it...

a dr. may be the only way for me to go for fear of changing into something i'm not

 

[Johnny]

I am so glad that you will see your doc. Things have vastly improved for me since I started the ball rolling. I don't get so angry at people (especially my poor wife) now I am much more aware of whats going on and so I can control things a lot better.
I can't emphasise enough how much an hours walk can make all the difference when you get really low or high. You have to force yourself to do this but it works and there is a lot evidence (with publications) to suggest it works. I have always done this and I think this is the main reason why I have kept things under control...The scary bit for me was hearing voices but this was due to lack of sleep when I was hyper (or so they tell me). I suppose I am fortunate enough to have psychotherapy (paid for) and this is fantastic as I get to talk about all the madness that has gone on, things I would never dream of telling anyone else.
Also it is very important to sit down with your wife and explain whats going on, tell her you are seeking help. Decide on a keyword that she can use when she is afraid or fed up or just plain down. That way you will know instantly when you are being a pain and it will be far easier to control without all the analysis one goes through in an argument. When you feel angry just hug her and and then go for a walk. When you get back from your long walk you will be much more approachable. it is important that you both communicate effectively with each other and more so that your wife does not suffer or feels afraid. Remember she is the person you love so treat her with the utmost respect...she will be your lifeline.
The biggest step you took was coming here to talk about it...you are more than half way there )

You can do this

All the best

Johnny