am i going to loose the plot?

[littlemermaid28]

hi im new on here but really need some advice as I think im bi-polar but not sure?my behaviour was always wreckless as a teenager due to abuse and other things that happen and I started using drugs at 16 until around 3 months ago (i am now 29),mainly cocaine and alcohol but extacy on nights out (i stopped extacy at around 23).after a traumatic birth with my 1st child I got pnd and post traumatic stress disorder which was all only diagnosed after 9 months..i was suicidal but put on meds which helped and i got better

After becoming pregnant with my 2nd child i came off the meds and then straight back on them but double the dose after i had him...my relationship with their father also broke down and i was left on my own.

After having him I started drinking alot and taking cocaine again and would get in right states when the children were not there..i once locked my friend in so i wouldnt be alone how crazy is that!she was not happy!

I have sex with different men and strangers and phone anyone up when ive had alot to drink.I get urges to go shopping and have recently started stealing things from shops like clothes,makeup and im getting a little bit obsessed with eye drops!

Most of the latter has happened since i reduced down on my meds but have gone back up but not to what i was on...for the past few months I have been feeling really good and slightly high,really buzzing and rushing round doing things,im sure the kids think im off my head i take them shopping that much!

over the past few weeks my mood has varied I would say at times from hour to hour,feeling low then high then low and its really confusing.i get irritable and dont know what to do with myself,want to stay up all night and force myself to go to bed.Sometimes have nightmares but most of the time do sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

I have had a cpn but have never admitted the whole truth to anyone...i feel that they will think im making it up and they wont help me for some reason.

I also get words going rnd in my head and music,sometimes when i go to bed i hear the same song as soon as I wake up or if i go to the toilet in the night.I used to hear alot of loud shouting in my head but dont get that so much now.

Has anyone any idea whats going on?

 

[jekel1]

hi

iam bi polar and on meds for it so i know what im on about a bit.
it sounds as if you could be bi polar , can you control th urges ? thats what my pyc doctor asks me if not then he askes to to go into hospital. i think you need proper assessment and different meds. if you have a cpn you need to tell her all of what you said on here, think about it if you were making it up that would mean you are really really ill. your not going to get better without help x i hoped i helped a bit you can talk to me any time x

 

[littlemermaid28]

omg really i feel scared now,i forgot to say that when im feeling bad i cant really go out of the house even to the shop and cant see anyone...i havent even took my little lad to pre school today,i cant even remember if ive had any dinner although ive fed the children obviously..i get confused and forget things and what im thinking sometimes.If i was drunk i could def not control myself with regards to sex with anyone and i get very out of control in general and do risk things...usually when i get the urge to go shopping i have to do it,once somethings in my head it doesnt leave until i do what i need to do if you know what i mean...i have stopped myself from stealing today by not going out to any shops but feel i will do it again although i know there will be serious consequences if im caught.what happens if the doctors think im bi polar then?i feel like this is not the worst over with and I have worse to come,its all coming out since i cut down drinking and stopped taking drugs.need to eat but cant go out for anything cant even b bother making anything.Thankyou for your reply xx

 

[mumto6]

Hiya Little Mermaid - I am pretty new to the site and only recently did I get the courage to go along and say " Hey I need help".
I too had postnatal depression 3 times I was treated for it and 2 times I hid it as I felt a failure.
I know going along to see a GP is a huge step and takes guts - took me years and years - but when I found I was scared to be left alone with my kids that was it - from one mum to another I urge you for the sake of your little ones to go along and tell your GP how you are feeling - print this out what you wrote if you find it hard to talk about it.
I spent years thinking I could not tell anyone as they would take my kids away - its still the first question I ask when I see GP or a new shrink !
As for do you have Bipolar or anyother thing for that matter - you need to be assesed - its not as bad as it sounds - hey you might even get a Cowboy Shrink like I did - honest they great fun !

 

[littlemermaid28]

hi thanks for your reply...i do see my doctor every 3-6 weeks and she keeps an eye on me,i have an appointment for monday and im going to write everything down as its hard to say it all sometimes.can a doctor assess you....she deals with mental health..i have also been reffered to their counseller who is a mental health counseller but have not been able to get to her yet.im separated from the childrens dad so yes im worried if he finds out he will go for custody of the kids as we have already gone through an 18 month court battle over them.i have just had something to eat and have managed to get out of the house for the first time today to get some milk and cigarettes so feel a little bit better.feels good to talk to someone thanks xx

 

[mumto6]

I always feel better after writing things down , how I feel , past things I cant deal with . its somehow easier writing it as an outsider looker in.

I think writing things down gives a more honest descrition , as if anything like me you tend to hold back some things afraid of the reaction - afraid of looking like a nutter ! I know I was.

I also forget things , or am that scared /nervous that I get memory block and can't talk at all - or get half way threw saying something then change onto something else. I never get round to finishing what I started to say.

As for assesment I have no idea but I know I saw my GP - told him I was feeling a little crazy - paranoid - having high and low moods - he said he needed to refer me - then I saw some counsellor who said I needed secondary care - then I saw someone a week or so later from the Crisis Team - they refered me onto a consultant psyciatrist who diagnosed me .

No idea how it all works - I think I was very lucky as reading some of the other posters it can take months even years to get to see a shrink - I went to GP mid Nov and was diagnosed First week Jan. Ok so I had to see 5 dif people but hoping after the CPN gets involved who I have now been refered too I will see the same person each time.

 

[littlemermaid28]

i really would not cope well if i had to wait a long time to see someone,i think my doctor knows about the meds and stuff but she said i need to change them but she wont b doing it on monday as i need some serious support to come off them as i get a bad withdrawl from them...not sure what support she means,its so frustrating and want it all sorted now but i guess it takes time.there are things i want to say and i forget and get mental blocks too...i was reading the other day that when you are stressed yr brain functioning shuts down and thats why you cant think straight and this happens to me all the time.if i am bi-polar will i get better or is it something u live with? X

 

[mumto6]

I can share your feelings - I am scared infact terrified about feeling the way I do. I cried for hours after being diagnosed as I expected a "magic pill" to make everything better.
I am angry - why me - make it go away.
I am frightened - I have no idea what is going to happen next
I am ashamed - because I feel I have let everyone down

I feel a wave of mixed emotions , but talking to others who can understand has really helped me , even just reading others posts it proves I am Not crazy , I am ill.

As I am pregnant I am unable to be medicated so having to ride out the storm until May.

Will it get better ? I do not have the answers to that. I from reading other postings that with the correct support and medication it can be controlled .

Big Hugs x

 

[littlemermaid28]

feel a bit better today although really drained from my mind goin a million miles an hr yesterday,felt a bit wobbly this mornin and look nackered but am a bit calmer.how ru today (mum to 6)?my name is Louise xx

 

[mumto6]

Hiya Louise ( I'm Emma ) Glad to hear your feeling a bit better today.
Well I had a bad night's sleep due to my outing last night (see my journal for explanation) -

But woke at 7.45am with great intentions of letting my other half have a lie in for a change. Geared up ready to get all housework done by the time he got up.

I managed to get the 3 eldest off to school and to feed and change and dress the 2 little ones and even had the front room looking like the Ritz but that's as far as I got .....
Still sat in my PJS and do not intend getting dressed or going anywhere ...

 

[littlemermaid28]

ah hun sorry ive only just had chance to reply...been a hectic day with the kids...playdough on the walls and juice on the floor lol!ru feeling any better?it must b really hard to cope being off meds and being pregnant,how long have you got to go?i came off mine with my 2nd but felt ok but as soon as i had him i went back on them.it must be so hard with 5 lo but guess they keep u busy!!i sometime do that...have a mad clean up and start doing allsorts in the morning and burn myself out and cant do anything for the rest of the day...im feeling a bit better tonight although feel like i recovering from the flu or something because of yesterday being so bad...its weird...it really is an illness isnt it.

have you managed to get dressed and nip out anywhere?

xx

 

[littlemermaid28]

p.s the singing course made me laff when I read it! xx

 

[mumto6]

Well my day went bad from worse - the kids arrived home in high spirits and after some craft time one decided to tip a tester pot of green paint all over another one aghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Then my landlord called me quizzing why I have not paid this weeks rent - I explained I am having to claim a benefit and it will be backdated for Housing Benefit so I wont miss the week really - He asked that I go 23 miles to show proof of this and as I tried to expain neither I nor partner could drive and me being on public transport alone at the moment was not suitable he decided to probe why - to which I screamed something along the lines of " Well would you want to leave the house knowing you have someone who wants to kill you". The phone call soon ended!

Then I phoned the benefit section to check on the new claim after 5 different numbers were given to me I finally got to found out that the claim has gone threw processing they are just awaiting my sick note - I explained I had not received the letter asking for it just one to ask me to send " Proof of partner" - Nothing else written so I asked her what she wanted me to do fold him up into an envelope and send him ? She said it must have been a typing error???

Then ex husband decided to call to see the kids 9 he parks in the car park and I don't see him but just knowing he is within 5 miles of me sets off the brain ticking into how will I kill him.

Then after kids screaming and house looking like a bomb site I could take no more and went off for a bath - within seconds mood changed and the angry outbursts started with me having a go at the other half for something about nothing via text message. After an hour of me hurling text abuse at him ( I was laid on the bed - he downstairs making kids tea and doing homework etc) he had enough and told me he can no longer cope with me and he was leaving me. Then I became high and thought it funny he was leaving - like he would ever be able to live without me !!!

Thankfully he was brave and appologised and the argument was soon forgotton. Still sat in PJS ( although clean pair now and no have not ventured outside)

 

[littlemermaid28]

oh no sounds awful....its no fun being like this is it!i used to do same with my ex,scream and shout at him and go mental then a while later i wud be ok and want to kiss and cuddle and would wonder why he didnt but this behaviour was normal to me!i wud prob still b doing it now if we were together but lucky for both of us we r not!i know its hard as every little thing can irritate you and you just want to scream and make them understand but they just dont and its not their fault or yours,i would love just some time out and a bit of looking after and someone to mother me for a bit,we have so many responsibilties with the kids,the house,bills etc etc but who loks after us and i mean really looks after us?its so hard to be a grown up all the time!try n keep yr chin up hun and get yr arse out of the jimmy jammys tomorrow!big hugs for us happy clappers lol mwahh xx

 

[mumto6]

I just wish I could have some control back over my life. I have no warning signs that my moods about to change. Looking back the moods used to last a lot longer - either high or low for long periods (few weeks - few months) But now they change by the day - by the hour - by the minute. I am exausted by it.

I become like a crazy wild animal in his words , with no care at all to what I say or do to others , especially those closest to me. I have no idea I am doing it , it is only if the other half tells me days later when I am "OK STATE" and then I just end up hating myself more and feeling guilty.

My brother is taking me into town tomorrow as I must get eldest daughter her birthday present - dreading it but I AM going !