Am I Going To Be Its Next Victim

[Broken Spirit]

I joined this forum as a carer & i`m beginning to think i`m going to end up as a patient, i find it so stressful trying to cope with the way this mental illness has taken over my daughter`s life & its rapidly taking over mine. I don`t think things will ever return to "normal" & i have just been deluding myself waiting & hoping for my daughter to get well. She may improve but she will never be the person she once was, its beginning to feel like some sort of death & yet she`s still here. She looks the same, she sounds the same but she definitely is not the same person she once was. Life just seems to be a constant battle against the mighty power of mental illness & if i`m not careful its going to get me too.AM

 

[Michael]

THe most important thing in caring is to look after yourself first, you have to have some sort of shield from your emotions. It's easy to say and a lot harder to do!
You don't mention the age of who you care for, have you had any help in knowing what aspects you should 'care' what aspects you should 'support' and what aspects you should 'monitor'? They are very different for each person, and that to is something to remember that they are a 'person'. We all need to learn the tools to which we have to live life through, some this learning comes easily some it does not, hence the differences between care, support and monitor.
We all go through stages in life where we need to be cared first and foremost, when we have learnt we then can be supported and then monitored, does it not sound just like how we bring children up from babies to adolescant and adult?
I have over simpilified it I know, but sometimes just looking at the basics and knowing when you can break off for them to 'fend' for themselves is very much as skill as well.

Speaking now from the heart, my 'mental health' problems came on later in life and my wife had (still has sometimes) the same problems in learning the differences between care, support and monitor, I also had problems in accepting each one of them, the end result whilst not curing me has given me further 'tools' in life to be able watch out for and help myself more and more.
I am sure people on this site will know of times when my posts have verged on the ridiculous (some may say past that) but again through the differences of care, support and monitoring I have learnt and learning to move forward.

So sorry its such a long post, I hope I have made some semblance of sense.

Can I also say thank you for the care, support and monitoring you are doing and remember if you fall then no one may be able to continue like yourself that is why it is so important for you to look after yourself first, if it knocks back the person being cared for a little but you then are more resillient then that is a price worth paying!!

Best Wishes

Michael

 

[Broken Spirit]

I fully accept what you are saying & like parenting, caring for a person with mental health illness doesn`t come with a manual. I`m no expert in this area but i do feel i have learnt a lot in the last 2 years, i can see all the signs & i know she`s getting ill again but trying to get her to get help is impossible. By the way my daughter is 31 years old, going on 3 some days,she has led a completely independent life since she was 18, so i don`t feel like i`m over protective or trying to control her in any way. In fact one of the most draining aspects on me is when she starts to deteriorate, she is constantly on the phone, morning, noon & night. She phones just to hear my voice i think, because her anxiety levels get so bad, she`s scared but won`t admit it. I get so frustrated because if she took her meds she wouldn`t be so poorly, she`s an intelligent woman so how come she can`t see the logic of taking the meds to control the symptoms. To be honest i`ve no idea of the best way to support her, everything is trial & error, which is how i feel i`m learning all the time, but whats the point of me being able to recognise the early symptoms if she won`t do anything about it. She really is her own worst enemy & yet i feel for her since her thought patterns are the way they are because she is mentally ill, seems like she`s in a catch 22. How do other carers cope ?, i find she is very draining when i`m with her & yet i worry myself sick when she`s not here or in contact & before anyone tells me she will have to learn the hard way i`ve been down that road several times to no avail. Others on this forum have told me how difficult is was accepting they had mental illness & i guess she must still be in denial. I`m not going to be around forever & its important to me to know she will be able to cope on her own. I`ve told her about this forum & she doesn`t want to know. I guess you can lead a horse to water but you can`t make it drink.

 

[Michael]

I truly empathise with you, as you say you have learnt an awful lot over the past couple of years, maybe this information when considered with the experiences of others may help to rationalise what is and has happened.
As you say there is no manual thats why this type of forum is ideal as it can help to relate to others who have similiar problems.
I truly wish that I could offer some form of magic potion that will cure all but I am sure you realise (maybe not willingly) that that is not possible, but maybe then you can see why it is even more important for you to look after yourself - first and foremost!
As for the future no-one can predict, and even I would love to ensure that with my three children that they live happy and contented lives but like us they are there own people and will make there own mistakes.
My Mother died July last year and I used to visit her 2 or 3 times a week plus ring her up just to hear her voice, she did give me great comfort, now she has gone I have had to learn how to move on myself, its not easy and I'm not saying that my circumstances are the same as your daughter, but what I think I am saying is that when put into a situation we can usually find our way out.

Again many thanks for being a carer, your love and help is truly appreciated.
But please look after yourself as well!

Best Wishes

Michael

 

[Ashami]

I just wanted to offer you my support as I understand how hard life must be for you as a carer, and feel I want to give you a big hug and tell you, 'well done!' for sticking with it and getting thru the dark times together with your daughter. It is clear you love her very much.

Coming from a family who wouldn't acknowledge mental health problems if they bit 'em on the b*tt I admire people who 'care' for those they love despite the hardship it sometimes brings.

As Michael says, it is vital that you shield yourself from your daughter's negative energy. There are various ways and means and if you can cope with a technique that sounds a little new-age then pm me for details.

Someone once said that if you live with someone suffering from depression then you have depression. I feel this is the same for pretty much all conditions. Therefore you need to give yourself some positive treatment too in the form of treats, happy events, getting back to nature, enjoying a good film; anything that will counterbalance the heavy weight you carry. Exercise and fun are treatments recommended to keep you grounded and emotionally balanced.

And being a sufferer of a mental health condition myself and presently in recovery, I do also believe that whilst medication is sometimes crucial for a sufferer, also too is the long and difficult journey back to the very source of a mental health condition, usually thru some form of therapy and a lot of courageous soul searching.

As with all things I guess it's about finding that balance between meeting your daughter's needs and your own...

 

[philees]

I totally empathise with you. I'm new to the forum. Never sought help or advice but I feel I can't go on now. Is very difficult to explain my feelings of my mothers illness of 30 years, even today it carries on with another sectioning last week. I've always buried my head in the sand. Acted like it's not really there. Since visiting my mum as a child in the 'lunatic asylum' (well thats what it was called. Rainhill - lovely place). I always wondered why my sister and me? But we're not alone.
I suggest you keep talking. Keep sharing. I feel the demons are at the door too - hopefully continuing to open up, discuss and seeking help will prove to me that their not.

 

[Broken Spirit]

Philees, i`m so sorry to hear about your mother, i too am about to endure another bout of stress with my daughter & i wouldn`t wish it on my worst enemy. I have never felt so helpless & powerless as i do when she is mentally ill, its like fighting the devil himself. I have not been on the forum for a while as i found it was making me even more stressed, but i hope you find it beneficial. I`m personally not impressed with the mental health service at all & i will never understand why we have to wait until they are a danger to themselves or others before the powers that be can take action. Next of kin should be able to get them help sooner or easier than the system allows because we are the ones that have to shoulder the responsibility until it reaches crisis point & then they are locked up like wild animals & the guilt just adds to the burden your bearing.

 

[NuttyMomma]

It is trying being the parent of a mentally ill person. whether your child is an adult or a child it doesn't matter. I have my own anxiety that I deal with and as a mom I have my bipolar child, my anxiety child and my ocd/anxiety child who all come to me. the only thing that has worked for me over time is to get through each "drama" as it happens. Try to laugh - you have to find some humor in situations. Have hope- I always always hold onto hope. Hope that they will learn how to deal better, hope that i can face my issues and keep finding the strength. Take it one day at a time. some days it is one drama at a time. Sure there are times where I feel that I can't possibly handle one more thing, when that happens I look to my husband for support. Everyone in this world deals with something, no one's life is perfect- what is perfect anyway- kind of sounds boring!
Just find that fire that burns inside you and grab it, it will keep you going. I refuse to give in and give up. I will live my life and find the good in it.
you can too, don't let it suck the life out of you. it is harder to come back when that happens.