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Am I getting better or worse?

S

Shiva

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Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
29
Location
Canada
I suffered from anorexia and bulimia heavily for 10 years. Particularly bulimia.The last part of my illness I was binging and purging 6-7 times a day. After years of medicine and therapy for my bulimia I did a retreat that incorporated plant medicine (ayahuasca) and I had one trip on the medicine where I somehow overcame my illness. I will never not be through with this disease, I still have thoughts. But I am not binging and purging anymore. My issue how is that I have lost a lot of weight and am on borderline of being underweight. I am not restricting at all but my anxiety ( directly from my borderline personality disorder)has made it really hard for me to keep weight on. I’m not happy at this weight as I look very gaunt. My mind is messing with me and I’m worried that this could be considered anorexia. My family and friends are also very concerned about my appearance. But I don’t want to be like this. I just want to feel like I have overcome the eating disorders but my mind keeps playing tricks on me and tells me that although I’m not bulimic now I’m anorexic because of my weight loss. Is that the truth or is that my mind? ARGHHH. I hate this so much.
Thanks for listening :(
 
calypso

calypso

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Hiya. I don't have an eating disorder so anything I say should be taken with a pinch of salt. I would say that you are still not eating enough calories for your body and maybe you need to think about increasing that. Do you eat healthily? Or are you unconsciously still restricting your diet? It might be an idea to keep a record of your calorie intake and see if that helps in establishing if you have an eating disorder still or not.

As for the BPD, do you have help with that? There is a therapy called DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) which addresses it head on and is very good. It might be an idea to look it up and see what you can do with it. As you are from Canada I don't know what the health system is like there. Maybe if you addressed the BPD it might help with your weight?
 
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Mary26

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Feb 28, 2018
Messages
184
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USA
We can't answer your question but it sounds like you already know. You said that you "will never be through with this disease" but that's not necessarily true. It sounds like the plant medicine shifted your consciousness (wonderful!) but you may still need to get to the root, the source of whatever it is that triggered the eating disorder to begin with and explore alternative coping mechanisms for when life is less than wonderful. I don't know your lived history but I often find that people use the eating disorder as a way of zoning out or self harm or even feeling safe but whatever it is, it serves a purpose and if you do want to let it go permanently, you kind of have to be willing to do some seriously uncomfortable work on yourself. I will tell you though, that it is possible to get to a point where the eating disorder no longer has power over you or serves you.
 
Inter Vivos

Inter Vivos

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Aug 30, 2014
Messages
278
Location
UK
Hi Shiva,

I too have recently been gaunt. More recently I have put on weight.

Have you considered food supplements to help you with a sufficient daily intake of nutrition. I use them. You can buy them at pharmacies.

...I often find that people use the eating disorder as a way of zoning out or self harm or even feeling safe but whatever it is, it serves a purpose and if you do want to let it go permanently, you kind of have to be willing to do some seriously uncomfortable work on yourself. I will tell you though, that it is possible to get to a point where the eating disorder no longer has power over you or serves you.
Thank you Mary26 for your thoughtful post. I don't have a diagnosed eating disorder, but I do have difficulty eating. Your post gives me hope that I can overcome that difficulty.
 
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EstherRose94

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Mar 2, 2019
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2,027
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Just because you have lost weight or don’t have an appetite at the moment doesn’t mean you’re anorexic. I think being anorexic would also include some sort of desire to control your intake but it seems like that psychological part isn’t really present for you right now.

I accidentally lost weight from anxiety too. I really wanted to eat and also thought I looked frail, not good, but food sounded disgusting. I did better after starting an antidepressant. In the meantime I tried to drink protein shakes and smoothies and whatever else sounded appetizing at a given time.
 
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Mary26

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
184
Location
USA
Hi Shiva,

I too have recently been gaunt. More recently I have put on weight.

Have you considered food supplements to help you with a sufficient daily intake of nutrition. I use them. You can buy them at pharmacies.



Thank you Mary26 for your thoughtful post. I don't have a diagnosed eating disorder, but I do have difficulty eating. Your post gives me hope that I can overcome that difficulty.
Absolutely!! I know many people who have (including myself).
 
S

Shiva

Active member
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
29
Location
Canada
We can't answer your question but it sounds like you already know. You said that you "will never be through with this disease" but that's not necessarily true. It sounds like the plant medicine shifted your consciousness (wonderful!) but you may still need to get to the root, the source of whatever it is that triggered the eating disorder to begin with and explore alternative coping mechanisms for when life is less than wonderful. I don't know your lived history but I often find that people use the eating disorder as a way of zoning out or self harm or even feeling safe but whatever it is, it serves a purpose and if you do want to let it go permanently, you kind of have to be willing to do some seriously uncomfortable work on yourself. I will tell you though, that it is possible to get to a point where the eating disorder no longer has power over you or serves you.
Thank you xoxo
 
S

Shiva

Active member
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
29
Location
Canada
Hi Shiva,

I too have recently been gaunt. More recently I have put on weight.

Have you considered food supplements to help you with a sufficient daily intake of nutrition. I use them. You can buy them at pharmacies.



Thank you Mary26 for your thoughtful post. I don't have a diagnosed eating disorder, but I do have difficulty eating. Your post gives me hope that I can overcome that difficulty.
I have considered supplements or vitamins but I always thought that if you don’t have food in your system it’s harmful for your body??
 
S

Shiva

Active member
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
29
Location
Canada
Hiya. I don't have an eating disorder so anything I say should be taken with a pinch of salt. I would say that you are still not eating enough calories for your body and maybe you need to think about increasing that. Do you eat healthily? Or are you unconsciously still restricting your diet? It might be an idea to keep a record of your calorie intake and see if that helps in establishing if you have an eating disorder still or not.

As for the BPD, do you have help with that? There is a therapy called DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) which addresses it head on and is very good. It might be an idea to look it up and see what you can do with it. As you are from Canada I don't know what the health system is like there. Maybe if you addressed the BPD it might help with your weight?
Yes I have looked into dbt and I’m wait listed for it!!!
 
Inter Vivos

Inter Vivos

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 30, 2014
Messages
278
Location
UK
I have considered supplements or vitamins but I always thought that if you don’t have food in your system it’s harmful for your body??
Yes, of course you need food. The supplements are only an adjunct to meals. Something added to, and not to replace your daily meals.
 
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