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Am i destined for anything but suicide

Gaijin Gabber

Gaijin Gabber

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
74
Location
hillsboro
yknow how some people get there wires twisted and like things your not supposed to? this is the way ive felt about deppression and suicide. i fantasize all day every day and it feels like the biggest part of my personalty, nothing will ever matter when your planning on it happenning. when i was 13 i had this feeling like there is no way that my life will be happy, i told myself in the middle of puberty that i will never be anything and that i deserve nothing in this life, most likely from verbal abuse from my mothers boyfriend at the time. fast forward to 27 and every single morning i wake up and sit for about an hour and a half debating on weather to take a shot and lay in bed crying all day or trying to live my pathetic painful existence, not a single freind, bad breakup after being single 7 or so years, and im most likely going to be homeless within about a month, i cant talk to family, fuck, i cant even work at mcdonnalds barely. im even reguessing my sexuality since quarantine, i dont even care to have sex at all, i just want to feel like im worth anything.
 
T

Taffy

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 12, 2020
Messages
446
Location
USA
Hi Gaijin, Can you get help with a therapist? Your life matters, please get help.🌈
 
Hardknocks88

Hardknocks88

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Joined
Jan 26, 2020
Messages
207
Location
Murrieta, CA
Yep. Sometimes as an intellectual I question it all too. Life can really sucks at times. Especially with this stupid covoid lockdown that supposed to put a restriction on our freedom's in this country. Finding out more how miserable and lonely people are looking at this forum. It's sad.
 
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Taffy

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Joined
Aug 12, 2020
Messages
446
Location
USA
There are many places you can look into for help. You have many options, you can look on the internet for agency's that can help you. I hope you can reach out for help.🙂
 
T

TheHeartHasAVoice

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 14, 2020
Messages
297
Location
Australia
yknow how some people get there wires twisted and like things your not supposed to? this is the way ive felt about deppression and suicide. i fantasize all day every day and it feels like the biggest part of my personalty, nothing will ever matter when your planning on it happenning. when i was 13 i had this feeling like there is no way that my life will be happy, i told myself in the middle of puberty that i will never be anything and that i deserve nothing in this life, most likely from verbal abuse from my mothers boyfriend at the time. fast forward to 27 and every single morning i wake up and sit for about an hour and a half debating on weather to take a shot and lay in bed crying all day or trying to live my pathetic painful existence, not a single freind, bad breakup after being single 7 or so years, and im most likely going to be homeless within about a month, i cant talk to family, fuck, i cant even work at mcdonnalds barely. im even reguessing my sexuality since quarantine, i dont even care to have sex at all, i just want to feel like im worth anything.
Sorry I don't want to bring up your past but do you think about that verbal abuse every day? I have kinda been homeless before.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,374
Apart from the support etc. from Doctors/Mental Health Teams etc. it's important to have focus on a plan of action. Work out where your priorities lie, and what you need to achieve them. Seek the help and support you need and set about achieving those goals :)
 
Gaijin Gabber

Gaijin Gabber

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
74
Location
hillsboro
Yep. Sometimes as an intellectual I question it all too. Life can really sucks at times. Especially with this stupid covoid lockdown that supposed to put a restriction on our freedom's in this country. Finding out more how miserable and lonely people are looking at this forum. It's sad.
i wasnt allowed to have my girlfriend over since the beggining of this, its one of the biggest reasons why were not together, im fine with being apart cause i know things will be better in the end but she didnt feel the same. its hard to stay together when you cant kiss or cuddle or have sex, we live an hour apart, we got caught fucking like the 3 times we tried in public parks, its humiliating...
 
Gaijin Gabber

Gaijin Gabber

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
74
Location
hillsboro
There are many places you can look into for help. You have many options, you can look on the internet for agency's that can help you. I hope you can reach out for help.🙂
my problems are exponentaly worse when i cant communicate how i feel, if i can just have some back and forth i will be fine, im just dying being so lonely, i remember when i was younger i had so many places online to talk to people, now i dont even have a single friend online yet alone real life, constantly being alone will drive anyone to madness
 
Gaijin Gabber

Gaijin Gabber

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
74
Location
hillsboro
even if no one responds, just typing how i feel out on the keyboard is like morphine, im so lacking in any communication even this would help me, i have no motivation to type unless theres a possibility of someone seeing it so i cant just write a diary
 
Gaijin Gabber

Gaijin Gabber

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
74
Location
hillsboro
Sorry I don't want to bring up your past but do you think about that verbal abuse every day? I have kinda been homeless before.
i dont think of it alot but i always know thats the root of it, i looked up to this peson and thought of them as a friend, when i was 13 i didnt have friends either, this guy was in the goth scene in the 80s and had all these vinyls, went and saw all the goth bands i loved, bauhaus and whatnot, i realy connected with this person even more than my mom, and he was physicly and emotionaly abusive, he would get upset and treat me like shit, then he would break down crying and say sorry and told me he loved me, for years. im thinking its similar to the pimp and ho dynamic, made my everyday life into a deppressive hell and thats how i was tought to be
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,374
I think when it comes to loneliness, it's important to make a note of your needs (what you feel you are being starved off). By reaching out to make connections in these areas you are more likely to be fulfilled. It's also important to keep your self-esteem up (so always work on that), and set boundaries so that people don't abuse your good nature etc. When making quality connections it's also important that you know the people you are interacting with and possibly their true intentions etc. Lonely people can often be vulnerable people (how many people have been conned out of money for example)... Generally when the causes of loneliness (or any causes of any issues coming to that) are addressed and someone starts to take action, the effects of those causes should start to diminish. Hope this helps :)
 
Gaijin Gabber

Gaijin Gabber

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
74
Location
hillsboro
I think when it comes to loneliness, it's important to make a note of your needs (what you feel you are being starved off). By reaching out to make connections in these areas you are more likely to be fulfilled. It's also important to keep your self-esteem up (so always work on that), and set boundaries so that people don't abuse your good nature etc. When making quality connections it's also important that you know the people you are interacting with and possibly their true intentions etc. Lonely people can often be vulnerable people (how many people have been conned out of money for example)... Generally when the causes of loneliness (or any causes of any issues coming to that) are addressed and someone starts to take action, the effects of those causes should start to diminish. Hope this helps :)
this is a realy helpful post, i need to reread and think for awhile to respond
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,374
Just to add, in my opinion we all need to feel valued, respected and needed. If we can achieve that through connections made on the values and interests that are important to us, the connections should be that more rewarding. I think it's also important to be able to add value to other people's lives. If we can make them feel vlaued and respected etc. too then it keeps the positive momentum moving forward :)
 
P

Prycejosh1987

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Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
620
Location
UK
i dont even care to have sex at all, i just want to feel like im worth anything.
I feel the same way, sometimes. I do believe in myself, i have jealous people that tell me i am not worth much literally. As i believe in myself i do not care what people say. It doesnt matter what people say about you, it matters about what you think of yourself, because only you are you at the end of the day.
 
Hardknocks88

Hardknocks88

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 26, 2020
Messages
207
Location
Murrieta, CA
i wasnt allowed to have my girlfriend over since the beggining of this, its one of the biggest reasons why were not together, im fine with being apart cause i know things will be better in the end but she didnt feel the same. its hard to stay together when you cant kiss or cuddle or have sex, we live an hour apart, we got caught fucking like the 3 times we tried in public parks, its humiliating...
i don't think the lock downs should stop you. see her every once in a while. that's really unhealthy for a couple.
 
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