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Am I depressed or just extremely lazy?

C

caffeine

New member
Joined
Apr 15, 2015
Messages
2
This is rather complicated. Or maybe it's not at all.

I've been feeling a bit down since I was about 13-14 (I am now 23). I got bullied at school and I've managed to develop an eating disorder, first I lost a ton of weight, since then it's mostly off and on bulimia (currently definitely ON). I never really talked to my parents about this and at this point, I do not intend to, for they had a very hard time with me during puberty, when I experimented with various prescription drugs etc.

I finally went to a psychologist, later a psychiatrist when I was seventeen and I've been on 100mg Zoloft since then. I managed to finish high school and did group therapy for my social anxiety for two years. Things actually got a lot better then, I learnt how to deal with my surroundings. I got into college and started drinking heavily, I gained more weight, I dropped out, stayed at home for six months. This was actually probably the time I felt the best of my life, I only drank on the weekend, I lost weight, I exercised regularly, I felt pretty. My confidence went up by a hundred, I got accepted to a different school in a different town, the future was looking up. My bulimia stopped almost entirely for that period of time.

But now, I'm in my third year of university. I've been feeling more or less ok throughout the two years, managed to get through with drinking a lot, socializing and only missing classes here and there. I've had trouble concentrating and paying attention since forever, but it's only gotten worse now. I feel like I'm just lazy, I really do think I brought this on myself by not doing anything. I'm not really capable of doing anything, I don't even like doing anything apart from drinking heavily and talking to strangers.

It's been managable. But this semester, I completely stopped coming to classes. I'm failing my assignments, I'm failing everything I can and I get intense guilt about it. I know I should be going. I've gained a lot of weight which is mostly alcohol related and I sometimes try to diet and do sports, but it's never stuck enough. I don't mind it that much, it's just that I don't enjoy it enough. I've become more bullimic than ever and all I do every day is lie in bed, watch tv shows and eat. Sometimes I manage to go out for a run and sometimes I go out in the evening, but on make up and get black out drunk. My hangovers last for a whole day after and I am capable of doing even less.

In the past month, I had two panic attacks, one at night when I thought I can't breathe and one where I sat on the balcony, smoked and thought I was going crazy. Sometimes, when my roommate leaves and I'm here alone, I feel like the darkness is creeping up on me. I get weird dreams and horrible nightmares. I get scared of myself and I'm not sure what exactly it is that I'm scared of. My room is a mess as I don't like to clean and it feels exactly like the mess in my head.

I started to frequently visit my parents because I'm scared to be here on my own. When there, I sit on the couch and watch television all day, but I feel safe.

I tried to give up drinking in hope that I'd start going to classes and feel more motivated, but nothing's changed. I feel a little better physically, but my mind is still in deep. It gets worse at night.

When I fail my assignments in school, I feel like crying. I felt like I was 14 again, wanting to storm out of the room in tears. I never had a boyfriend but I don't even really want one now. My sex drive flunctuates between very high and very low. I know I need to do something to not completely fuck up my life, but I don't really see much future for me. I can't imagine myself passing all of the exams for me to finish my BA and I can't imagine a job that would want me. I really want to go abroad (another EU country) but I don't think I'll be able to find a job there either. I'll just end up cleaning at a fast food restaurant. It's like I never knew what I enjoy, because I felt shit since I was a kid and I started drinking very early (15ish). Later on I felt like the drinking had saved me from completely giving up because it helped me create some social contact. I know it's a problem, but I don't think it's the primary problem.

I just. I just feel like I'm fucking everything on purpose. Am I? I feel like I ditched all of my classes because I want to dig and poke into this problem that I don't have. I don't know what I wanna hear. My shrink is weird. I don't know what to do with myself. I just don't have any motivation and I'm not sure if I want it.
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Hello and :welcome:

It sounds like you're struggling with your mental health; I don't know if you're depressed, but what I do know is that, when people are depressed, they tend to blame themselves or their own personalities for the way they're feeling? I think there's a high possibility that you are. I think you need to go to your GP and answer this question once and for all.

I had a similar experience in uni. Remember, they're there to support you and they've seen this sort of thing many, many times before. Please tell them ASAP how you're feeling - maybe after you've gone to your GP, so you're clear about what's going on with you? - and then they'll be able to support you. You can get access to your uni counsellor really easily at uni; I'd take advantage of that, because it becomes a hell of a lot more difficult to get one on the NHS (if you're in the UK, that is)!

Best of luck. I'm sorry you're struggling like this, but there's always something that can be done to make things better.

:hug1:
 
Last edited:
*autumn*

*autumn*

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Joined
Nov 1, 2014
Messages
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here
Hi caffeine,

:welcome: to the forum.

You've joined a very caring, compassionate, diverse and friendly forum.

I am sorry to hear of your bullying when you were younger, i too was heavily bullied from the ages 12-15.

.... but I don't really see much future for me. I can't imagine myself passing all of the exams for me to finish my BA and I can't imagine a job that would want me. I really want to go abroad (another EU country) but I don't think I'll be able to find a job there either.
It seems like this is weighing heavily on your mind.

I started to frequently visit my parents because I'm scared to be here on my own. When there, I sit on the couch and watch television all day, but I feel safe.
This is really understandable.
In my experience, families can only support so much.

I feel it is a good thing for you, in having the group therapy that you had after high school.

I don't even like doing anything apart from drinking heavily and talking to strangers.
That caught my eye.

While it's understandable that you do/have done, i feel you're putting yourself in a vunerable situation.

managed to get through with drinking a lot
I got through college, university and various jobs drinking and taking other substances. I am now in recovery. I couldn't see a future for myself.
I'm not saying that you should stop drinking but please be cautious of the effect it is having upon you.

..... but on make up and get black out drunk. My hangovers last for a whole day after and I am capable of doing even less.
I felt like that too. I personally felt worthless and like I was trapped.

Later on I felt like the drinking had saved me from completely giving up because it helped me create some social contact. I know it's a problem, but I don't think it's the primary problem.
Regarding bolded text: Absolutely, it can be a crutch.
For me i was in denial and thought i could control my drinking.

To me, it seems as if it is the alcohol has contributed to your depression and inactivity, which is burying deeper issues that are affecting you.

I agree with jruth in that visiting your GP would benefit you. And your Uni counsellor too.

I wholeheartly feel for you and hope that you feel better in yourself and get the support that you'd like.

With love,

AutumnalSprinkles
 
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