Am I depressed or just a bad patch in a relationship?

[mrsO]

I am 28 years old and have been with my husband nearly 11 years.

For the last few months now I have just been feeling really low. Crying a lot, getting stressed out about silly things and just generally feeling useless. I have no energy for anything, all I seem to do is work, eat and sleep.

This is not like me at all. I am normally such a happy and positive person.

Last year we got married and went traveling for 6 months as our honeymoon. Part of me thinks the way I am feeling is just post wedding/honeymoon, back to work winter blues (been back since oct).

I also stopped taking the pill in august because I ran out whilst traveling and couldn't get any of the same brand. I didn't start taking them again when we got back because we might want to have children in the next year or so and I've heard it can take up to a year for your body to get back to normal (have been on the pill since 17). So part of me also wonders whethers my hormones are just all a bit screwy and that's why I feel like I do.

I am just really tired with life. I am a nurse and work long hours, it's a busy ward, very stressfull and physically and emotionally draining.

I come home and do all the cooking and my husband is supposed to wash up but the kitchen is currently piling up with days of washing up.

Our house has become a tip because I haven't had the energy to do anything, it hasn't got done - I only took the christmas tree down today :/

One of my best mates moved to Devon recently and another has just emigrated to Austrailia.
I don't live in the same town as the friends I have left and when I do get a weekend off work, I have to drive to see them - my husband doesn't drive, so he can always have a beer.

I don't don't have anything to look forward to at the moment. We have a short break planned for March (our anniversary) and 2 weeks in August but trying to book anything is proving a nightmare because although my husband has no suggestions, he doesn't like any of mine.

Yesterday was my birthday and my husband bought me flowers, chocolates and a soft toy, which I am sure many women would love but I am not a girly girl (I don't own ANY sort toys!) and just thought they were thoughtless lastminute presents - I had asked for camping gear for a hiking trip I am planning for April. Then I end up hiding in the toilet and crying because I felt aweful for being so ungrateful.

Tommorow I am having a house party but I am not looking forward to it now as it looks like only 3 people will come (not really a party is it!). Only 3 of my friends have actually been over to see our new house since we came back.

We want to buy a house but we cannot afford one where we live now and my husband doesn't want to move jobs (we both currently commute in opposite directions), so it's up to me to move jobs. I am not all that bothered about moving jobs because at the moment I am not enjoying my job, but I worry about moving even further away from my friends and family.

I have had suicidal thoughts, not really seriously contemplated it but just having those sort of thoughts worries me.

When I tried to talk to my husband about how I had been feeling he wrote out of list of 'things to do' but he never did any of them. Recently when I tried to talk to him again, when I said anything he just got all deffensive or gave me excuses, so i just kept quiet. Since then I have been pretty much crying myself to sleep every night, worrying about the future.

Is the way I am feeling just a normal reaction to what's been going on in my life? Is any of it my husbands fault? or am I just trying to find logical reasons for the way I am feeling, when in fact I am just depressed for no real reason at all?

 

[Kat667]

Mrs O, Sounds like you need to tell your husband how you are feeling. I have same problem with my husband and washing up etc. (he's a teacher and I work full time but I end up doing it all).

My husband and I have same problems as in we want to buy somewhere but it isnt going to happen in an expensive place like Bath. Sometimes both people bottle stuff up so as not to hurt or upset the other but it does sound like you both need to clear the air.

I work in a hospital and know that nursing is a stressful and not brilliantly paid job for what you have to do. Sounds like your husband needs listen to you more. If someone gave me chocolates and a soft toy for my birthday I'd tell them to stick it where the mice won't get at it! (I'm not a girly girl either, nice bottle of wine or a pair of killer heels and a nice bit of silver jewellery is more my thing).

I think your reaction is understandable. I certainly know that my own husbands behaviour makes my depressed episodes worse, especially when he pushes me and shouts 'I don't care'... tells me that bi-polar disorder is an excuse for moodiness etc. Get sick of it sometimes.

 

[YellowBrickRoad]

Sounds like a good chat with your hubby would help. I stopped taking my pill after 2 years of taking it and although my mood swings happened again during my monthly I didn't feel like you do. My other half and I have been together 3 years and we bicker about everything and anything. We once had a full scale row about curtain poles If the crying a lot and tiredness and all the other symptoms you've described don't go away a trip to see your GP might help. Telling him/her how you feel and how long it's been going on and maybe some medication if you want it or someone to talk to will help you.

 

[YellowBrickRoad]

Sorry, I missed the part about suicidal thoughts. These are NOT good in any situation. When I had intrusive and suicidal thoughts I knew that it was time to sort myself out before I did act on them. Please discuss these feelings with someone, anyone! Close friend, family member or your hubby.

 

[PrincessPearl]

I feel for you.

Sometimes it just feels like life gets too much. It sounds like things are gradually grinding you down. Have you considered couples counselling? From what you say I think you need the support and understanding of your husband and this kind of counselling often helps partners to learn to listen to eachother and actually take in what is being said so that something can be done to change the situation.