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Am i Co-dependant?

B

Brokensmile

New member
Joined
Apr 4, 2016
Messages
2
I'm not even sure where to start my story is long and confusing and I don't know what I am but I have an appointment with the doctor later today and I guess I just need to get it out before then for fear of blabbing uncontrollably.

It started around 6 weeks ago when I was cut out of the life of the person I had been dating for the past 6 months. After weeks of what I thought was heartbreak, I now think I was in a relationship with a Narcissist. I was love bombed and then discarded when I dared speak up and ask for any of my needs to be met. Yes I contributed to the situation, giving him everything he desired, being the faithful, caring, loving provider. He fed my needs and I fed his. Only for him to disappear like I didnt exist and for me to spiral out of control, becoming obsessive, heartbroken and my life turned upside down. I began a few weeks ago researching narcissism and codependency.

It has led to me now seeing my whole life in a new perspective. I believe my mum was a narcissist who used me as a scapegoat and adored my sisters who were always more beautiful. I have always felt like the ugly sister, who was just like her father (who my mother hated).

I was never good enough for her and I started suffering with bulimia in my early teens. She used this to become a victim and although she took me to the doctors it was soon forgotten and I had to deal with it myself. She told lots of people about it to gain sympathy for herself but I never received any help.

I became useful to her by looking after my younger sibling and so i became the caregiver for my younger sibling, ensuring her needs were met when my mother failed. I bought her clothes and looked after her when my mother abandoned us to move to Spain with her new husband.

During my teen years she threw me out of home multiple times, mostly because her new men didn't like me, again I was the scapegoat.

I'm not faultless in this. As a child i was always outspoken and intelligent, she was threatened by this. Somehow everything I did was wrong and everyone around her seemed to confirm this for me.

Looking back i realise that's because she used me to become a victim. She would tell people how difficult I was and they would sympathise and treat me accordingly. I moved in with my aunt for 4 months and I experienced what it was like to have a normal mother, tea on the table, washing done, help with homework. I had never experienced any of this but my mother soon called me back to the life of hell that I was so comfortable with. I remember thinking I'm not taking drugs, having sex or drinking excessively how am I such a bad teenager?

Unfortunately my weight struggles and lack of self esteem dictated my life and I spent the majority of my teens and 20's feeling worthless. I always excelled in my job though, it was the one area I could be good at and get some recognition, especially from my family. I moved to live with my nan at 19 who helped me get a good job, encouraged me to excel and showed me love and affection that I had never received.

I managed to get on with my life but my relationships have always suffered. I was involved with a married man for 2 years. I then went back to an ex who had treated me like crap and spent 7 years with him. He was an alcoholic abuser. We had a son together and my son made me realise i couldn't stay there any longer. I moved my codependency from the alcoholic to my son and thank god i did but now I fear for my son and what impact my codependency will have on him. 2 years later i met my new narc and that has been the hardest yet because it was so sharp and short and bitter sweet. I hope this is the wake up call i needed that pushes me to get the help i need to stop seeking love and affection from people who are unable to give it.


There is so much more to my story, my mother has had a major impact on my life in a bad way for so long. 4 different husbands all who hated me, one who abused me physically. She destroyed the relationship with my father. She took bought a house in my name when i was 19 and ran up massive debt against my name for years before i found her out when i was 23 and told her to sort it or i take her to court, i was left with ccjs against me all of which she denies have anything to do with her. She destroyed me this year when the day after my Nans funeral i went to my Nans home ( which had always been something i would take on after she passed away but suddenly my mum split with her partner and needed the home) to find her painting the lounge. it broke my heart but she still managed to make herself the victim and me the bad person!

I feel broken now I realise what I have been through. I'm even questioning now whether i'm turning into a narcissist myself because the last 6 weeks all I have done is focus on myself. My self esteem has never been good but im at an all new low. My work is now suffering, I dont even care if i lose my job, my house is a mess and as a mother i am failing!

So the doctors tonight - im not sure what for or where to go from here but i know i need to do something before i do something awful and my life becomes an even bigger mess. I dont know what to say to the doctor, where to even start, what i want from him but maybe tablets to get me out of this current depression and counselling to help me understand who the hell i am?
 
Last edited:
Foxjo

Foxjo

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 2, 2012
Messages
6,769
Location
Teesside
Hi

I definately think you should go to the doctor and explain how you are feeling perhaps print out this thread and let them read it? Tablets and counselling would help you re-stablise yourself. counselling will be really helpful to try and put all this bad past behind you and make sense of it all.
You may be broken right now but there is hope, hope that you can piece yourself back together again with the help of a mental health team and friends around you.
Here to listen.
Fox
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
It will get better but not as fast as we would like. My mother was selfish and angry and ruined my childhood too.
I read books on co-dependency and that took years to put into practice.
 
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