• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Am I causing my girlfriend's depression?

C

Carefulbf

New member
Joined
Jan 9, 2021
Messages
4
Location
California
Hi there,

This is my first post on a forum, I couldn't really find any information on the internet to help with my specific problem, so here I am.
I'm afraid that being with me is causing my girlfriend to be depressed. We are in love, and have been since basically the beginning, and we still are. But lately, for the past 3 months, she's been absolutely depressed and maybe even manic? I'm not sure really...
So she was assaulted in the summer, while I was away, and that really shook us both up. She had been withdrawn since then, but not visibly distressed. Then, maybe a couple weeks later, she found some pictures of a photoshoot of me and my ex on facebook. I had never bothered to hide them, as they never meant anything to me. She had seen them before, but I guess she had forgotten, and she got really upset. She started to ask me all sorts of questions about my past: what I had done with those girls, how many times, where, every little detail. And I would answer, because I thought being honest was the best thing to do. I know she was distressed and maybe not thinking straight but I didn't want to just make her distressed mind suspicious by denying her the answers. Those past relationships meant nothing to me so I had no qualms telling her about them, in my eyes my current partner is a dream come true: beautiful, exciting, intelligent, I really feel like I've landed the perfect package in her.
So this goes on for a while... 3 months. Every night, she's upset, crying, yelling sometimes, asking for details. She says she feels like she isn't special anymore, like she can't find what is special about our relationship compared to my past. She says there isn't anything that we've done that I had not already done. And she says the reason she feels this way is because I have lied to her. When we first got together we fell in love so quickly, I fell just head over heels, and I said a few times things like "I've never done this before" or I've never felt this way" or otherwise say that we were unique in some way. And it was always true, I think she would just take what I said too literally too much, for example, I think the time that's really burned into both our minds and now causes her much grief, is our first real date. We went hiking, and she had a meeting, but we didn't want the date to end, so I dropped her off, and picked her up afterwards, then we proceeded to go to dinner and then make out all night at the beach. At the end of the night I think I said "I've never done this before" and I meant, I'd never been with someone all day, and felt so good, and had such a great time, and in general just never felt or experienced something like this before. And she took it to mean: "I've never made out in a car"
So there are several things kind of like this, all of which she says she drew self value from, but now that they aren't true the relationship doesn't feel the same, and feels like a lie.
A month back just about, she was afraid she might take her own life so she checked into a mental hospital. It was so scary and she has a past of self harming thoughts.
I've been telling her, even the things that were similar, they just didn't come from the same place, they didn't have the same meaning, they didn't look or feel the same. And she doesn't care. She cries every night, or yells at me, we talk late into the night and she talks in circles, often rambling, she begs me to "prove those relationships didn't mean anything", she says she feels stupid and naive, she calls me a liar, I feel abused and hopeless. Oh and if that isn't enough, we're long distance, but only by like 6 hours, our jobs keep us apart.
She spent winter break pretending to be better for my sake and is now mad at me for not realizing she wasn't okay, I've devoted lots and lots of time to her but it never seems like its enough. It's gotten to the point where we yell at each other, I get mad at her too quickly now. I feel bad because I know her behavior is not normal, she's trying to get help but access to health care is slow going, I want to be there for her but I think just having me around makes her feel worse. Everything I do she says she thinks "did he do it with her" or "he would have just done this for her". She seems to be getting more depressed, she has crying attacks, calls herself stupid, says its okay because "nothing matters" and everyone just "does stuff and life is just doing stuff". I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say since so much of her pain is linked to me, and we can't switch conversation cuz I'm right there reminding her of stuff. I know its related to her own inner struggles with self esteem and jealousy but I don't know how to help.

Thanks, I know its a lot, I honestly can't remember everything but I think this is the gist.
 
N

NoOne5

Taking a break
Joined
Mar 31, 2020
Messages
1,550
Location
USA
Well my dear it's best to be single. One thing is for sure. Intimate relationships are only another thing that will depress someone.

Less love =less pain in the long run. I personally think that romantic relationships are overrated.
 
R

Rosie10

Member
Joined
Dec 24, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Aylesbury UK
Hi
The trigger for your girlfriends behaviours was her being attacked: which must be incredibly traumatic. Unfortunately , you were not around when this happened (not your fault): maybe unconsciously she is upset you weren’t. It is clear she has psychological difficulties as she has used self harming in the past (people use this for many different reasons). The attack left her emotionally unstable and she has latched on to your history and overanalysed this. This is not your fault, she feels destabilised and very hurt because of what she went through. She is trying to push you away: what you need to do is try to stay calm, be there for her, try not to personalise what she says. Imagine how you would feel if you were attacked: her trust has been broken with life. Seeking therapy is good, that’s what she needs. Take care
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
6,357
Location
Nashua NH
YOU ARE NOT CAUSING YOUR GIRLFRIENDS DEPRESSION. She is bringing this on herself. I don’t think this relationship is going to be salvageable because your partners feelings of betrayal are so deep and seem to be developing all of the time. You did the right thing by telling her the truth. A secure person would be able to acknowledge that you had a happy past with different people but that is over now and you have something special together that is different from
anything that came before because it is unique to the two of you. You cannot fix her self esteem deficits and the blaming and shaming behavior she is demonstrating towards you is abusive. If you have not already done so I would issue her an ultimatum: drop the accusations and the abusive behavior towards you or you will leave her. You cannot reward these spoiled and overwhelmingly negative behaviors by sticking around to indulge her in them. Tell her that you would like to work out the relationship so that it can become a positive experience for you again but that you have to have her partnership in this. If she values the partnership she will do whatever work it takes to get past this and get to a point where you both feel affirmed and loved in the relationship. If she doesn’t want to put the work in to get to a peaceful and happy place in the relationship she obviously does not value the relationship enough for you to continue to endure the abuse. You do need to be very stern with her and tell her that she is being abusive to you and let her know that if she continues then you will leave her. Otherwise she will continue to walk all over you with her abuse. Best of luck with this. xo, j
 
C

Carefulbf

New member
Joined
Jan 9, 2021
Messages
4
Location
California
Thanks everyone, I'm trying my best here, it's hard when she considers me her enemy. I'm trying to get her help but our health insurance is really slow going, any advice on what to do in the meantime? She says she feels like taking her own life so I'm afraid to take a break from being her caregiver or taking time for myself.
 
C

Carefulbf

New member
Joined
Jan 9, 2021
Messages
4
Location
California
I told her I wanted to tell her family, and that I felt like she was using me and being manipulative and I think she blocked me. I was just giving her an ultimatum saying she can't just continue to berate me with how she felt every day, and that it needed to change, and I know she doesn't really realize what she's doing but its like when I point it out she wither realizes it or gets so hurt that I would say so. Would she block me and then hurt herself?
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
6,357
Location
Nashua NH
I told her I wanted to tell her family, and that I felt like she was using me and being manipulative and I think she blocked me. I was just giving her an ultimatum saying she can't just continue to berate me with how she felt every day, and that it needed to change, and I know she doesn't really realize what she's doing but its like when I point it out she wither realizes it or gets so hurt that I would say so. Would she block me and then hurt herself?
You are doing the right thing by advocating for yourself. Just because she is in a depression, presuming she is actually in one, it doesn’t give her the license to abuse other people. People can tell when they are abusing people and when they are not whether they are in or not in a depression. Especially when you are going out of your way to help someone you should always feel encouraged to advocate for yourself, your position and your health and wellness either way. I agree with Chief...you need to bring in her family and/or other areas of support for her so it does not fall on you alone. This is especially necessary if you might end up needing to step away and look after your own interests for awhile. Especially under the circumstances of abuse. She certainly could self harm after blocking you. There is no way that you can protect her entirely from what she is experiencing and the choices she chooses to make. All this being said, do you think the depression is real or could she possibly be acting out for attention? Do you think she might want you to feel responsible for something like this to punish you for your past relationships by making you feel guilty and responsible for this? Not that I doubt that she is actually experiencing a depression. She might be. I think the best way to make sure everything is on the up and up is to bring in extra supports and tell her family. Take a step back to take some time for yourself. Evaluate the situation and decide whether under the circumstances this is something you can continue to help her with or not. Keep posting here for support as many of us have been there on one side or the other. xo, j
 
Barny67

Barny67

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 25, 2020
Messages
308
Location
Middlesbrough
I agree, you are not the problem.
Her getting attacked has traumatised her, I also think becos you weren’t around when it happened has put a wedge between yas. Tc
 
IcyShadow

IcyShadow

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2020
Messages
48
Location
UK
It sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. I was with someone like that. It's like walking on eggshells, the 'I hate you, don't leave me' response typical of someone with BPD in a relationship.
I wish I knew more about it before I got involved with my gf, it'll mess you up if you're not careful.
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
865
Hi there,

This is my first post on a forum, I couldn't really find any information on the internet to help with my specific problem, so here I am.
I'm afraid that being with me is causing my girlfriend to be depressed. We are in love, and have been since basically the beginning, and we still are. But lately, for the past 3 months, she's been absolutely depressed and maybe even manic? I'm not sure really...
So she was assaulted in the summer, while I was away, and that really shook us both up. She had been withdrawn since then, but not visibly distressed. Then, maybe a couple weeks later, she found some pictures of a photoshoot of me and my ex on facebook. I had never bothered to hide them, as they never meant anything to me. She had seen them before, but I guess she had forgotten, and she got really upset. She started to ask me all sorts of questions about my past: what I had done with those girls, how many times, where, every little detail. And I would answer, because I thought being honest was the best thing to do. I know she was distressed and maybe not thinking straight but I didn't want to just make her distressed mind suspicious by denying her the answers. Those past relationships meant nothing to me so I had no qualms telling her about them, in my eyes my current partner is a dream come true: beautiful, exciting, intelligent, I really feel like I've landed the perfect package in her.
So this goes on for a while... 3 months. Every night, she's upset, crying, yelling sometimes, asking for details. She says she feels like she isn't special anymore, like she can't find what is special about our relationship compared to my past. She says there isn't anything that we've done that I had not already done. And she says the reason she feels this way is because I have lied to her. When we first got together we fell in love so quickly, I fell just head over heels, and I said a few times things like "I've never done this before" or I've never felt this way" or otherwise say that we were unique in some way. And it was always true, I think she would just take what I said too literally too much, for example, I think the time that's really burned into both our minds and now causes her much grief, is our first real date. We went hiking, and she had a meeting, but we didn't want the date to end, so I dropped her off, and picked her up afterwards, then we proceeded to go to dinner and then make out all night at the beach. At the end of the night I think I said "I've never done this before" and I meant, I'd never been with someone all day, and felt so good, and had such a great time, and in general just never felt or experienced something like this before. And she took it to mean: "I've never made out in a car"
So there are several things kind of like this, all of which she says she drew self value from, but now that they aren't true the relationship doesn't feel the same, and feels like a lie.
A month back just about, she was afraid she might take her own life so she checked into a mental hospital. It was so scary and she has a past of self harming thoughts.
I've been telling her, even the things that were similar, they just didn't come from the same place, they didn't have the same meaning, they didn't look or feel the same. And she doesn't care. She cries every night, or yells at me, we talk late into the night and she talks in circles, often rambling, she begs me to "prove those relationships didn't mean anything", she says she feels stupid and naive, she calls me a liar, I feel abused and hopeless. Oh and if that isn't enough, we're long distance, but only by like 6 hours, our jobs keep us apart.
She spent winter break pretending to be better for my sake and is now mad at me for not realizing she wasn't okay, I've devoted lots and lots of time to her but it never seems like its enough. It's gotten to the point where we yell at each other, I get mad at her too quickly now. I feel bad because I know her behavior is not normal, she's trying to get help but access to health care is slow going, I want to be there for her but I think just having me around makes her feel worse. Everything I do she says she thinks "did he do it with her" or "he would have just done this for her". She seems to be getting more depressed, she has crying attacks, calls herself stupid, says its okay because "nothing matters" and everyone just "does stuff and life is just doing stuff". I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say since so much of her pain is linked to me, and we can't switch conversation cuz I'm right there reminding her of stuff. I know its related to her own inner struggles with self esteem and jealousy but I don't know how to help.

Thanks, I know its a lot, I honestly can't remember everything but I think this is the gist.
Depression ia a curse......i used to haev it badly.....when youre depressed you can tend to push people away, you can socially withdraw, and sometimes you can cause hurt to others BUT if i were you i wouldnt take it too personally. Its the depression talking.

You seem nice.....keep being supportive
 
IcyShadow

IcyShadow

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2020
Messages
48
Location
UK
Yeah, depression is really bad. I push people away all the time. Can't risk relying on others to make me happy, so I'd rather be alone than have that happiness taken away from me and hit the depths of the darkness all over again.
 
C

Carefulbf

New member
Joined
Jan 9, 2021
Messages
4
Location
California
You guys are all so strong for being able to talk about this. I appreciate the feedback. I've definitely hit a turning point and this forum is helping me make decisions I am confident in.
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
L Relationship Causing Depression Depression Forum 2
avj2123 Health problems causing depression Depression Forum 3
K Overwhelming regret from an anxiety riddled bad decision causing chronic depression Depression Forum 1
M Girlfriend has depression and has pushed away. Need advice/support Depression Forum 2
F Depressed Girlfriend is going through a hard time Depression Forum 8
P Really craving a girlfriend Depression Forum 26
I Girlfriend broken up with me due to depression Depression Forum 27
B My girlfriend has depression and is pushing me away. Depression Forum 3
T My depressed girlfriend wants a break, but not a breakup Depression Forum 25
W I need help with my girlfriend, I'm desperate!!! Depression Forum 4
A My Girlfriend (23F) has anxiety, depression, and is suicidal. How can I help her? Depression Forum 6
W No job, no joy, nothing. Depression is killing me. Depression Forum 3
L Depression from grief and blame. Depression Forum 5
T Depression from Sleep Disorders/Difficulties Depression Forum 3
M Tired of fighting depression. Depression Forum 5
L Male postpartum depression Depression Forum 1
M Depression due loneliness, anyone else ? Depression Forum 9
U Rapidly developing depression symptoms Depression Forum 2
M Discussing my depression with SO Depression Forum 5
starfoxxy90 Greif and Loss with depression.. Depression Forum 2
S Help! My partners depression effect our family Depression Forum 6
MeAndMyDepression Cognitive distortions and depression Depression Forum 1
D Why do I seemingly not want to get better? Loneliness, failing university, depression, severe anxiety, and not doing anything about it Depression Forum 6
P Numb Emotions and Not Feeling Love Because of Depression Depression Forum 4
MeAndMyDepression Who has concentration/memory problems because of depression? Depression Forum 5
MeAndMyDepression Do you know people who are jealous of your depression? Depression Forum 3
anex Depression and other mental health woes Depression Forum 3
J Depression or quiet BPD? Depression Forum 2
MeAndMyDepression Depression Jokes Depression Forum 2
MeAndMyDepression Does anyone else suffer from bipolar depression? Depression Forum 9
JackieBlue Overwhelmed with depression and grief! Depression Forum 11
T Depression and Anxiety - possibly triggered by medication Depression Forum 1
M Sharing my Experience of Major Depression Depression Forum 1
J SPRAVATO for Treatment Resistance Depression Has anyone used Spravato? Depression Forum 3
MarieRose Severe depression and isolation due to 3rd lockdown. Depression Forum 2
D Hi I'm new here and have suffered depression since early 90's Depression Forum 6
The_Sun_Shines Advice for you on loniless and depression Depression Forum 5
S obsession with depression Depression Forum 2
T Depression and studies Depression Forum 5
H Husband has depression Depression Forum 3
IcyShadow Poem about Depression Depression Forum 2
A Sexually based depression Depression Forum 9
A Suffering from a depression whose reason I don't realise. Depression Forum 13
P Cheating Spouse and Depression Depression Forum 6
Hardknocks88 New normal depression Depression Forum 1
M Depression and Narcissm Depression Forum 2
Barny67 Clarity after depression. Depression Forum 4
J Depression and misguided actions Depression Forum 10
E Excessive sleep+depression+OCD= lost Depression Forum 2
C Loneliness and Depression Depression Forum 8

Similar threads

Top