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Am I Bipolar???!!

  • Thread starter Longtermbolloxed
  • Start date
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Longtermbolloxed

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2020
Messages
15
Location
Ireland
Hello all. I know it is a doctor that should diagnose me and I am not looking for diagnosis just opinions from you kind people that suffer from this issue.

I had thought I just had bad anxiety and depression (long term 15 years) but I have tried a few different medications for depression and have not noticed any real difference.


I have wrote the majority of the symptoms I have here:

Low mood majority of time. Feel tired and lethargic all the time.
Cant ever relax.
Worry about health (pains etc).
Anxiety when outside the house, self conscious.
Over protective of my children.
No interest in most things.
Poor appetite ( not eat until lunch. Addictive personality (heavy smoking used drugs when younger, weed and ecstacy mainly).
Racing thoughts especially when trying to sleep and through the night even when I wake sometimes my mind is already racing straight away from the thoughts in my sleep.
Lack of interest in stuff
No will to work at something i dont like
At home majority of time 90%
Moments where i am very impulsive( gambling, Lottery etc) believeing I will win.
Can sometimes talk very fast and rant/ go on a tangent but mostly normal
Not angry often but when i am its very aggressive.
Sometimes Dont think about consequences.
Have had suicidal thoughts ( because things are not getting better only worse

Any help and advice is welcome. As i said I had been on sertraline and tried a couple of other drugs for depression and GAD but nothing
 
M

Megan333

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
52
Location
Sheffield
Hi, LTB
Are you describing me???????
Apart from pills, its sounds like me.
Over protecting the children, feeling overly tired, low mood, worry about health( but still self medicate, with street drugs sometimes).
I have extreme anxiety outside of house and inside as the neighbours, now show great interest in me.

I'm 33 and have suffered since being 6yrs old, with anxiety, depression and guilt.
Have suffered with insomnia for as long as I can remember, worrying, and replay situations over in my mind ,but once asleep, want to sleep all day.
At home 95% as I have 2 puppies to walk.
Impulsive in self medicating.
Fighting with partner, as hes the closest person to me to take it out on.
Holding deep grudges with family members.
Not trusting anyone!!!!
Even something they have done 10 yrs ago.
Have suicidal thoughts, but not year round, only at certain times.

Never heard of sertraline. Most likely an american medication. But take medication that I've been on for about 10yrs. Probably not doing me as much good as it used to.

You sound too much like me, out of everyone I've been in touch with. I can really relate. I stopped smoking weed a couple of months ago as I believe, this is a nice hobby when not depressed or stressed. My hubby still smokes.You need to be in a comfortable position to smoke this. ( not a drug, just a plant!)
It will make you paranoid on top of anxiety and depression which is not worth it.

If you have good parents, family and friends, rely on them and count yourself very lucky!!!!
Use them resources if they are willing to help and have time for yourself!
I'm not able to do this, as hubby's family is abroad and Ive cut all ties with mine. Dont have siblings and It's just not healthy.

It's so hard being a parent, when you have problems yourself. Not sure how old yours are but when they get to be teenagers, you better put you and your symptoms aside. Because here comes the hormones and attention seeking amongst a whole lot of things. You can kind of hide it when they are little. But when they reach a certain age, they will only have to look at you and your fake smile, to know what's up. It's just crazy!

Do you think the meds your on is helping?
Go back to your gp if not. ,( I need to take my own advice).

I've just had a not so good family holiday, as this is the first year I didnt buy for family, just my kids. So the guilt eat me up and I over did it with alcohol to compensate some nights.

This website seems to help me a whole lot though, as I feel I'm trying to help people that I can relate to. It has done wonders for my self esteem. As I'm telling people to be strong and sympathise, its making me feel a little stronger.
 
L

Longtermbolloxed

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2020
Messages
15
Location
Ireland
Hello,

Thanks for the reply. It is better to talk about things and I am glad I joined this forum. People who do not experience these things do not understand at all.

Yes I smoked weed from about age 14 until my early 20's. I stopped because I started getting incredibly paranoid when smoking, I have taken E on a few occasions since then and I enjoy it when im on it but I feel it makes my mental health worse. If you have ever seen the movie "Human Traffic" I had an experience like Moff where after a night out and taking loads of yokes I went insanely paranoid and not trusting of anyone in the room with me, almost like a psychotic episode so I pretty much stopped weed and ecstacy after that for the most part.

In the last few years I have chain smoked unless someone is complaining to me about it. If I had my own way I would be lighting a cigarette one after another basically, it is weird because I do not enjoy them I just feel they relieve boredom and make me less agitated.

A year or two ago I was self medicating using xanax, valium and other benzos that I bought illegally because they were the only things that made me relax and feel normal when on them. I actually sometimes felt very motivated when on them and was coming up with lots of ideas and doing stuff. I dont know if it is because that is how a normal person feels without an illness or whether it was a reaction to the drugs or some kind of mania? I stopped taking them because I had my first panic attack where i thought I was having a heart attack and dying. Called an ambulance and all and was freaking out thinking i was not going to see my child again. Telling my parter to tell my daughter I loved her etc and getting ready to die. It was the most scary thing that ever happened to me so I have cut out all that shit now.

I agree and relate to a lot of what you said. I believe ive had mental illness since young. I had just thought it was because I was shy but looking back i think i had problems even when a child. I would stay in my room when aunts, uncles and stuff came over because I didnt want to speak with them and had some anxiety.

I have always had anxiety in large groups and having to do presentations and stuff in college were sleepless nights sometimes.

It is hard to understand why I have turned so anti social. I am a pretty decent looking fella and have always got attention from girls but I feel so much anxiety and do be so self conscious that I do not want to go out on nights out anymore and make excuses. I think it is mainly because I have isolated myself for so long that these things feel very alien to me now when I do have to go to a social outing.

I do not think the medication i have had has helped me really in anyway, sertraline is one od the most popular drugs for depression/anxiety . I guess a lot is my own fault because I never told the doctor all of my symptoms, just that I was down and no energy and not motivated, cant sleep properly etc so i think he thinks i just have depression and anxiety. I will have to come clean and tell everything to him because I cant go on living my life the way it is. I guess as a man you want to show you are strong and not admit gou have a problem and bottle everything in. This is probably why I have suicidal thoughts.

2020 is going to be the year where I admit the truth and try and get as much help as I can and be able to live a happy productive life I hope.

Thank you for listening you are the first person I have ever said all of this to . X
 
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Longtermbolloxed

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2020
Messages
15
Location
Ireland
And reading back over your post I definitely have more of the things you said like holding grudges long term. Not so much with family members but with old friends mainly over stupid stuff.

Also I forgot to mention, I have never said this to anyone outside of a couple of people but both of my parents have HIV.

My bastard father who is a truck driver on the continent caught it from a prostitute or something when I was around 18 and gave it to my mother. This is a big reason of my stress and worry. My mother is literally a saint does everything for everybody in her family, never has done anything wrong to anyone ever, honest and thinks of everyone but herself and the way my dad has treated her makes me wish he was dead sometimes. My mother has never left him even though he cheated on her many times even after giving her HIV I found emails from his account pretending to be someone else contacting people. I actually think he might be gay and has hidden this his whole life.

So as you can see I have a pretty fucked up life.
 
M

Megan333

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
52
Location
Sheffield
I'm really glad you managed to open up and get all this off your chest. No judgement here!!
My uncle is also a truck driver and he was the exact same way. Cheating on my aunt, as it is so easy to do travelling for days on end.
Atleast you have a good relationship with your mom, and she sounds like a strong, amazing parent!

It's great you have a positive outlook on 2020, I only wish I could get to that mindset.
Think we all want a miracle pill to make us feel "normal"and happy.
But anxiety is the devil and it's just so hard to hide.Its almost paralyzing.
I can relate to being anti social, as I've always been this way. Unless you use drink or drugs, it's so hard to over come and go with the flow.
Other people have no problem in any situation, which really makes me think, why is that?
We aren't born with issues, so this has to come from somewhere, and just grows bigger over time.
Isolation just creates more problems, but it's a way to stay safe.

No I havent seen the film human traffic but I can just imagine.
Dont know why I'm thinking about this but have you seen the movie " the wolf of wall street"?
I just watched it the other day and he has a serious drug problem in it but this film is next level.
( Got to be seen movie!!!).

I went abit off rails this holiday, and neighbours houses are attached to mine. So one man who lives next door, can hear everything, which I hate. Now hes harrassing me by banging around, and staying in the bedroom attached to mine. Just listening and creaking floorboards. God knows what he heard but I seem to be his target now. That is depressing me more than anything else. I feel guilt, shame and embarrassment. All the feelings which make you turn to drink and drugs.
Think I will be making that dr appointment, as soon as kids go back to school!

I think a huge part of my issues are I dont have much ambition, and I'm not striving for anything.i dont want to travel the world or see new places.
My only goal is to buy my house, and move to a detached one. That is my only dream!
 
L

Longtermbolloxed

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2020
Messages
15
Location
Ireland
Yeah I agree, anytime I do have to be in a social situation I usually drink larger like it is water snd then when im pissed drunk the anxiety isnt a big issue anymore for the most part.

I do have a positive outlook for 2020 but my problem is that I have a lot of ups and downs. Today I might feel ok and think positive that things are getting better then I might wake up lethargic and tired and spend the day down and wondering what is wrong with me.

I have a big problem thinking about things in the past. I do not want to think about them but my mind wanders and thinks on various negative things that have happened at one time or another. When I focus sometimes and think "why the fuck am I thinking about this shit, it means nothing anymore" but my mind is on an autopilot of negativity sometimes.

Yes I have seen the Wolf of wall street a few times, hilarious movie. The guy Leo di Caprio plays is out there in the real world again doing dodgy schemes I seen.

I know how it is with the neighbours, my partner has a short fuse and im sure they have heard us arguing plenty of times in the past. Now if I fight with the girlfriend about something I usually just leave the room and go upstairs before things can get out of hand. It is strange because I have never really ever given out to my child but my gf and I both have short fuses with each other. Its like you say your partner is the one that you sometimes take your stresses put on and vice versa. You dont have to be friends with your neighbour if you see him just give a quick hello and walk past him. Everybody has issues in some form or another, some people more than others. I have had neigh ours that shouted at each other too in the past. It is not uncommon so I would not worry too much about it. If the guy has a big problem tell him its none of his business or he can move if it bothers him that much! It is pretty sad for someone to target you for making noise, that is his problem not yours!

If you dont have much ambition there must be some things you enjoy to do or watch. I like muay thai and have trained a few times in thailand and want to join a club here in Ireland when I can get myself together, for the fitness and to get myself in some social situations again with people rather than being in the house every day and night. I was doing a short course recently and although I found some of the modules boring and sometimes didnt go to class, once the course ended my mood has gone down more. The routine of waking early and talking with people outside of your normal friends or family Is a big help when dealing with these problems. Exercise is huge too I need to get back the routine of the gym and waking up early and doing things with my time. That is one of the keys to imroving at least somewhat instead of the same thing i do most days of waking early but spending 4 or 5 hours sometimes in bed on my phone and not eating until 1 o clock. Thay shit sets me up for a bad day and thats what I do most days.

All the best x
 
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