Am i bipolar ??

[charmedstar07]

my name is Diane I'm 25 ,I'm new here and just starting on my
journey to get properly diagnosed,
I have been depressed for years on and off now
have had several very traumatic things happen to me over the years
including losing 3 babies , my first baby boy was born full term
and died 1 hour and 21 minutes later, my second loss I miscarried at
12 weeks 2 years after my first and my third loss was my baby boy
we were diagnosed during pregnancy that he had the same condition
as my first baby and that he would die we carried the pregnancy to
term hoping for a surgical option to correct the problems but his
problems were too severe and he passed away in my arms .
Then found out that the condition is genetic and
therfore I can't have anymore children.

I found this extremely hard to deal with as I wanted nothing more
than a family and it almost killed me, my husband is my third babies
father my first 2 were from previous relationships so whilst we do
share the greif of our son he doesn't understand that I too feel the
pain of losing my first 2 babies. On top of all of that I have lost
several family members in the few years since losing my children.

I have suffered depression since losing my first son and have tried
several different types of medication including SEROXAT which made
me extrememley suicidal & my behaviour very erratic.
I have also tried FLUXOTINE & EFEXOR and several others
which made me feel like a zombie.
so I quit the anti depressants and stopped going to the doctor.

I've seen a physicatrist and have seen a counsellor twice in the past
the counselling helped at the time but back then my depression
was mainly because of my losses rather than a mental thing

I used to self harm when I felt bad and have scars that I now have
to cover up so my family don't ask questions , I have done lots of things
over the years to try and ''numb'' my depression
I used to take drugs on a regular basis to make me feel better
usually ecstacy because I craved the euphoric feeling , but even with
that the comedowns got worse and eventually I stopped that too.

At some point I just learnt too live with the depression and it became
normal to me.
I even had periods of time where things seemed to be on the up and
going good for a change,

However for the past 3 years things have been hellish,
I have found that My depression symptoms are getting worse and
it is not like it was before.
I've lost count of the amount of people around me who have sat
me down and told me that my behaviour is bugging them and that I have
to do something about it.
Having read up on bi polar I think it is time to go the doctors & get a
proper diagnosis,
My symptoms range from very mild to pretty extreme
and because it has been like this for so long it seems entirely normal
to me until I started looking in to it some more.

when I am in my low periods I will stay in my pajamas all day, not
get dressed, and let the housework pile up
mostly I will have a bath then change in to clean
pajamas , I don't know where my day goes on those days I seem
to sit in a kind of trance or daze. I'm neither particularly upset
or sad just numb. This can go on for days sometimes weeks .
I withdraw from friends and family and retreat in to my little shell.
have problems concentrating and my memory is awful.
I can go from zero to explosive in 2 seconds flat
over stupid insignificant things and cause the most awful arguement
over something that really isn't so bad I then get myself so worked
up and angry and cry and shake for hours and feel like I could tear
someones head off with my bare hands usually my husband lol
poor hubby,
it takes me a long time to calm down when I get in to a fit of rage like
this and afterwards I am absoloutely exhausted because this can last
for hours.the screaming yelling and throwing things I hadn't had any episodes like this in a long time until recently and they were among the worst. I am aware when I am doing it that it is unreasonable but I cannot control it at the time
afterwards I feel ashamed , guilty and loathe myself for acting so
childishly.
Lately I've been a little more out of control and feeling obsessional
about certain things I can't think of a particular thing right now
but there are many..

One thing that people tend to notice & pick me up on
a lot is my talking I go in to a state of talking incessantly , jumping
from one topic to the next not pausing for a breath and very loudly ,
& even interrupting people , I don't realise I'm even doing it
feel as though I am talking normally and at the time don't
see that I am doing anything wrong.

out of the blue even after a long period of feeling really low
I will just become intensely happy feel full of
energy and want to do a million things at once , I clean the house
intensely , get all these ideas popping in to my head and feel so high
and on top of things like I can do anything I put my mind too.

I also do silly things like decorate a whole room only to change it a couple weeks later because I can't make a decision and stick to it I'm always jumping
from one thing to the next hubby is growing tired of my changing things so often,
I also sometimes buy things and give them away a few days later even though at the time I wanted it badly.

I race from one idea to the next coming up with crazy plans &
sometimes I get really obsessional about certain things if I make
up my mind to do something then I have to do it then & there
it has to be then or really soon or I get tetchy , irritable and angry.
To another thing that has been getting out of control is my
spending sprees this has gotten worse lately and has also been a
cause of some pretty bad arguements between hubby and I.

we are already in debt and I go on a spending spree that I know
we can't afford mainly money for bills and buy things I don't
even particularly need,
I have even on occasion bought something taken it back the
next day just so I can get something else, I get a euphoric , high
feeling when buying something and I can't stop it.
and never attributed it to having anything do to with my depression
until I read stuff online.
I never used to do this I used to be very very careful with money
making sure I paid all my bills on time and always worried about
being behind and now It's like I don't care or something?

I also barely sleep and get very restless at night
when I was depressed before I could stay awake all night and sleep
until afternoon but the last 2 years or so I stay up very very late
and don't need a lot of sleep mostly whilst I'm on a high I feel like
I have lots of energy but when I'm on a low I feel so drained
and exhausted

I also for a while ran my own little craft business online which I loved
I found it very therapeutic , a took a break for a few weeks when I was
going through one of my low points and decided to close it down
and never picked it back up again , I deeply regret it but its only one
of the many things I start and then abandon when I feel hopeless
and like I can't do anything and nothing I do is good enough
I was earning a good little income from it and it still saddens me
that I let it go.

The little euphoric manic happy episodes are fleeting and
last maybe 2 to 3 days at most my low days always last longer

I also get anxious over the slightest little thing and have noticed
this getting worse the last few months I've also lost intrest in a lot
of things that I used to enjoy ,

I also find it very hard to concentrate on things and have very poor
memory function and sometimes can get confused quite easily.
I often have nightmares and sometimes have a patricular recurrent
one that disturbs me .
I'm not suicidal not even a little I want to live , I have been in the
past so I do know the difference, but do sometimes feel my life is
worthless and that people would be better off without me.
I know this is my low self esteem that makes me feel like that.

I don't binge or overeat , I do eat , mostly healthily and find it
frustrating that I am finding it hard to lose some weight
which also gets me down, I feel it is probably due to my inactivity when
I'm in my low periods but that also affects my thinking and gets me down.


This past year has been particularly hard as my mum was diagnosed
with cancer and having to watch her battle through her treatment
and be so ill was terrifying I was convinced she was going to die &
prepared myself for the worst
my papa died in january, and my brother and his girlfriend are having
a baby boy who is due anyday now so I know I have a lot more
challenges and hard times ahead and want to get on top of things
and start medication again to get myself on an even keel.
A lot of my friends have just had babies and it is also extremely hard
to be around and to watch after everything I've already been through


finding things very tough right now so am glad to have found a forum
where there are people who are kind of experiencing the same thing!

sorry this ended up so long !!
Diane x

 

[DELATEXT]

bipolar

a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood. These moods are clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time.[1] These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood, but in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymia, and other types, based on the nature and severity of mood episodes experienced; the range is often described as the bipolar spectrum.



from wikipedia

your circumstances are very sad and I wish I could help you
more, please consult your doctors who I hope can answer your question ??
all good wishes to you.

 

[jax]

Hi Diane. Wanted to give you a (((( Hug )))). You've been through a lot. I could most definitely relate to a lot that you said. You have a lot of symptoms that I have. I don't get the rage - though, last summer I had an irritable high and had short outbursts that I couldn't control.
My suggestion is to get evaluated properly by a psychiatrist. Go see your GP and share some of what you said here. You need to be as honest as you can in order to get the help and a proper diagnosis.
Good luck.
Jacqui x

 

[lulubelle]

Hi Diane,

Wanted to say and give you a hug to. You've been through so much. I hope you start feeling stronger soon.

Lu xx

 

[Kos]

Hi!

I too have lost a baby so I totally empathise on that with you, it's soul destroying.

You have been through so so much, which has contributed to your state of mental health.

I have been diagnosed bipolar, and you do sound fairly similar to me, except you seem to come out a "manic" phase really quickly - with me it can last 6 months!!! The only way you'll know for sure is if you go to the doctors and let them diagnose you.

Good luck!

 

[suki1066]

hi hun
just wanted to say i understand what you have written, i too lost a baby due to genetics and its awfull. print off what you have written if you can and take to your dr.
post any questions you have you will find alot of support on here love xxx

 

[ralph1]

my name is Diane I'm 25 ,I'm new here and just starting on my
journey to get properly diagnosed,
I have been depressed for years on and off now
have had several very traumatic things happen to me over the years
including losing 3 babies , my first baby boy was born full term
and died 1 hour and 21 minutes later, my second loss I miscarried at
12 weeks 2 years after my first and my third loss was my baby boy
we were diagnosed during pregnancy that he had the same condition
as my first baby and that he would die we carried the pregnancy to
term hoping for a surgical option to correct the problems but his
problems were too severe and he passed away in my arms .
Then found out that the condition is genetic and
therfore I can't have anymore children.

I found this extremely hard to deal with as I wanted nothing more
than a family and it almost killed me, my husband is my third babies
father my first 2 were from previous relationships so whilst we do
share the greif of our son he doesn't understand that I too feel the
pain of losing my first 2 babies. On top of all of that I have lost
several family members in the few years since losing my children.

I have suffered depression since losing my first son and have tried
several different types of medication including SEROXAT which made
me extrememley suicidal & my behaviour very erratic.
I have also tried FLUXOTINE & EFEXOR and several others
which made me feel like a zombie.
so I quit the anti depressants and stopped going to the doctor.

I've seen a physicatrist and have seen a counsellor twice in the past
the counselling helped at the time but back then my depression
was mainly because of my losses rather than a mental thing

I used to self harm when I felt bad and have scars that I now have
to cover up so my family don't ask questions , I have done lots of things
over the years to try and ''numb'' my depression
I used to take drugs on a regular basis to make me feel better
usually ecstacy because I craved the euphoric feeling , but even with
that the comedowns got worse and eventually I stopped that too.

At some point I just learnt too live with the depression and it became
normal to me.
I even had periods of time where things seemed to be on the up and
going good for a change,

However for the past 3 years things have been hellish,
I have found that My depression symptoms are getting worse and
it is not like it was before.
I've lost count of the amount of people around me who have sat
me down and told me that my behaviour is bugging them and that I have
to do something about it.
Having read up on bi polar I think it is time to go the doctors & get a
proper diagnosis,
My symptoms range from very mild to pretty extreme
and because it has been like this for so long it seems entirely normal
to me until I started looking in to it some more.

when I am in my low periods I will stay in my pajamas all day, not
get dressed, and let the housework pile up
mostly I will have a bath then change in to clean
pajamas , I don't know where my day goes on those days I seem
to sit in a kind of trance or daze. I'm neither particularly upset
or sad just numb. This can go on for days sometimes weeks .
I withdraw from friends and family and retreat in to my little shell.
have problems concentrating and my memory is awful.
I can go from zero to explosive in 2 seconds flat
over stupid insignificant things and cause the most awful arguement
over something that really isn't so bad I then get myself so worked
up and angry and cry and shake for hours and feel like I could tear
someones head off with my bare hands usually my husband lol
poor hubby,
it takes me a long time to calm down when I get in to a fit of rage like
this and afterwards I am absoloutely exhausted because this can last
for hours.the screaming yelling and throwing things I hadn't had any episodes like this in a long time until recently and they were among the worst. I am aware when I am doing it that it is unreasonable but I cannot control it at the time
afterwards I feel ashamed , guilty and loathe myself for acting so
childishly.
Lately I've been a little more out of control and feeling obsessional
about certain things I can't think of a particular thing right now
but there are many..

One thing that people tend to notice & pick me up on
a lot is my talking I go in to a state of talking incessantly , jumping
from one topic to the next not pausing for a breath and very loudly ,
& even interrupting people , I don't realise I'm even doing it
feel as though I am talking normally and at the time don't
see that I am doing anything wrong.

out of the blue even after a long period of feeling really low
I will just become intensely happy feel full of
energy and want to do a million things at once , I clean the house
intensely , get all these ideas popping in to my head and feel so high
and on top of things like I can do anything I put my mind too.

I also do silly things like decorate a whole room only to change it a couple weeks later because I can't make a decision and stick to it I'm always jumping
from one thing to the next hubby is growing tired of my changing things so often,
I also sometimes buy things and give them away a few days later even though at the time I wanted it badly.

I race from one idea to the next coming up with crazy plans &
sometimes I get really obsessional about certain things if I make
up my mind to do something then I have to do it then & there
it has to be then or really soon or I get tetchy , irritable and angry.
To another thing that has been getting out of control is my
spending sprees this has gotten worse lately and has also been a
cause of some pretty bad arguements between hubby and I.

we are already in debt and I go on a spending spree that I know
we can't afford mainly money for bills and buy things I don't
even particularly need,
I have even on occasion bought something taken it back the
next day just so I can get something else, I get a euphoric , high
feeling when buying something and I can't stop it.
and never attributed it to having anything do to with my depression
until I read stuff online.
I never used to do this I used to be very very careful with money
making sure I paid all my bills on time and always worried about
being behind and now It's like I don't care or something?

I also barely sleep and get very restless at night
when I was depressed before I could stay awake all night and sleep
until afternoon but the last 2 years or so I stay up very very late
and don't need a lot of sleep mostly whilst I'm on a high I feel like
I have lots of energy but when I'm on a low I feel so drained
and exhausted

I also for a while ran my own little craft business online which I loved
I found it very therapeutic , a took a break for a few weeks when I was
going through one of my low points and decided to close it down
and never picked it back up again , I deeply regret it but its only one
of the many things I start and then abandon when I feel hopeless
and like I can't do anything and nothing I do is good enough
I was earning a good little income from it and it still saddens me
that I let it go.

The little euphoric manic happy episodes are fleeting and
last maybe 2 to 3 days at most my low days always last longer

I also get anxious over the slightest little thing and have noticed
this getting worse the last few months I've also lost intrest in a lot
of things that I used to enjoy ,

I also find it very hard to concentrate on things and have very poor
memory function and sometimes can get confused quite easily.
I often have nightmares and sometimes have a patricular recurrent
one that disturbs me .
I'm not suicidal not even a little I want to live , I have been in the
past so I do know the difference, but do sometimes feel my life is
worthless and that people would be better off without me.
I know this is my low self esteem that makes me feel like that.

I don't binge or overeat , I do eat , mostly healthily and find it
frustrating that I am finding it hard to lose some weight
which also gets me down, I feel it is probably due to my inactivity when
I'm in my low periods but that also affects my thinking and gets me down.


This past year has been particularly hard as my mum was diagnosed
with cancer and having to watch her battle through her treatment
and be so ill was terrifying I was convinced she was going to die &
prepared myself for the worst
my papa died in january, and my brother and his girlfriend are having
a baby boy who is due anyday now so I know I have a lot more
challenges and hard times ahead and want to get on top of things
and start medication again to get myself on an even keel.
A lot of my friends have just had babies and it is also extremely hard
to be around and to watch after everything I've already been through


finding things very tough right now so am glad to have found a forum
where there are people who are kind of experiencing the same thing!

sorry this ended up so long !!
Diane x

Are you Bi polar? Reading this I doubt it. I do think though that you are in a serious state of depression and have been for a very long time. I was in that state for 35years, going in and out of hospital admissions like a yo-yo. My sugestion is that you forget counselling and forget CBT. It is the issues from the past that you need to come to terms with and to understand if your defence mechanisms have been right or effective. Get a proper psychological intervention, it may well have to last for quite some time. I found schema focus to be very helpful. God Bless

 

[charmedstar07]

Hi!

I too have lost a baby so I totally empathise on that with you, it's soul destroying.

You have been through so so much, which has contributed to your state of mental health.

I have been diagnosed bipolar, and you do sound fairly similar to me, except you seem to come out a "manic" phase really quickly - with me it can last 6 months!!! The only way you'll know for sure is if you go to the doctors and let them diagnose you.

Good luck!

Thank you everyone for the replies , there are loads of other things I do but its hard to think of them at this moment because to me they are 'normal' behaviour ,
I'm so sorry to hear that you too have been through losses KOS & SUKI

having read a lot of peoples symtpoms on here I found myself thinking wow I'm not crazy other people go through this too!
Bi Polar is definately something I am going to suggest to the doctor
I just have to work up the courage too go I was supposed to go a while ago
for some tests and at the time was going through my 'hermit'' phase where I just wouldn't leave the house , so have been avoiding the doctor and the tests for some time
I also have a very low immune system and catch every bug cold and virus going which I always wondered was something linked to my depression who knows

I have had times where things were back on track and everything seemed to go well and then all of a sudden it was like a row of dominos being knocked over one thing would go wrong then the rest would topple down too.

I also forgot to mention before My biological father was diagnosed with bipolar several years ago we don't see much of each other however he has had mental health problems from as far back as I remember.
I remember reading somewhere that it can be hereditary.
my mum has had clinical depression since I was younger and has also gone through the hermit phases,and similair mood swings she has never taken medication for her depression either.
Just thought I'd throw some background info in so ,so you can get a better idea of where I'm coming from on my thinking

thanks for welcoming me to the board everyone I'm sure I'll be posting lots more soon now that I have somewhere I can come and vent with some like minded people who will not think I'm insane!

Diane x

 

[kurtcobain]

Bipolar diagnosis.

Hi Diane, your post is so long I barely had the energy to read it all, phew! In my humble opinion, I think you may have Bipolar depression.You certainly have experienced enough psychological trauma to TRIGGER the condition.The main trigger for Bipolar is loss of a loved one, as well as circumstantial conditions such as employment status, financial problems etc...etc...ALL problems which I have too. I have lost my father, my dear mum has had cancer although thankfully she is now in remission.I am Isolated from my family, and was sent to prison in 2004 for "Threats To Kill".Where like you, I SELF HARMED by cutting my arms.When You mentioned skipping from one subject to another in conversation, I know this is a symptom of schizo-affective disorder, this is something I do as well!!! I too have DEPRESSION, bigtime- all my life.
Personally I think the modern SSRI meds are Rubbish (seroxat for example) I think they cause AGGRESSION and agitation.I am on the older type of antidepressants, one called DOSULEPIN HYDROCHLORIDE.It is much more sedating, although can cause weight gain! Also a mood stabiliser called TEGRETOL which could help you feel Much calmer.Ask your doctor about a mood stabiliser, it could calm your anger.
ALL the above is of course IMHO, please consult a medical professional
Hope this helps!!!

 

[charmedstar07]

Hi Diane, your post is so long I barely had the energy to read it all, phew! In my humble opinion, I think you may have Bipolar depression.You certainly have experienced enough psychological trauma to TRIGGER the condition.The main trigger for Bipolar is loss of a loved one, as well as circumstantial conditions such as employment status, financial problems etc...etc...ALL problems which I have too. I have lost my father, my dear mum has had cancer although thankfully she is now in remission.I am Isolated from my family, and was sent to prison in 2004 for "Threats To Kill".Where like you, I SELF HARMED by cutting my arms.When You mentioned skipping from one subject to another in conversation, I know this is a symptom of schizo-affective disorder, this is something I do as well!!! I too have DEPRESSION, bigtime- all my life.
Personally I think the modern SSRI meds are Rubbish (seroxat for example) I think they cause AGGRESSION and agitation.I am on the older type of antidepressants, one called DOSULEPIN HYDROCHLORIDE.It is much more sedating, although can cause weight gain! Also a mood stabiliser called TEGRETOL which could help you feel Much calmer.Ask your doctor about a mood stabiliser, it could calm your anger.
ALL the above is of course IMHO, please consult a medical professional
Hope this helps!!!

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad , that must be tough
I have just gotten to the point where
everyone is constantly picking me up on my behaviour and I don't really know what to do I don't want to be on meds and be like it was before I've never had good experiences with anti depressants ,Seroxat was so dangerous for me I almost lost my mind I was on 75mg at the time and had some extremely phsycotic episodes and hallucinations didn't help that I wasn't taking them properly and occasionally drinking on them but I did some entirely crazy things whilst on them and saw some crazy shit coming off them was hell too. Of all the meds I've taken these were the only med's that landed me seeing a physciatrist, I was completely off my head and the mood swings were awful. A few years after my experience with them I saw it was on the news a lot and read some other peoples stories about it and realised it wasn't just me. I was prescribed seroxat just after I lost my first son, efexor wasn't so bad except I wanted to sleep a lot , got an extremely dry mouth and pouding headaches and felt sick a lot of the time. I have had so many bad experiences with meds
several years back I was addicted to stillnocht sleeping pills and try hard not to take anything that I may become addicted too since I have a very addictive personality, I'm at a sort of crossroads right now on which way too turn because if I don't go and get myself sorted I am going to end up driving the people around me crazy I have already over the years lost friends who couldn't handle my depression, so many other things in my life have happened that could be attributed to ''triggers'' I just want to get my life sorted and back on track again & not feel like I'm nuts all the time

I look forward to getting to know everyone here thanks for the replies