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Am I being unreasonable?

katya

katya

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So I've come down with a tummy bug - I came down with it on Thursday and had to leave work early. I had Friday off, and I missed a weekend residential at work. So I've been feeling pretty miserable and stressed about missing work (I don't know how they're going to react to me missing this bloody residential, etc.).

My boyfriend made plans to go to his brother's over the weekend while I was at the residential. We live with another couple; let's call them T and L. T's grandma has died this weekend, so he's not going to be back to the house for a little while (my heart goes out to him). L is at work this weekend for something stupid like 40 hours, and he works nights, so he'd have been asleep during the day.

So I would've been on my own in the house with a tummy bug. I wasn't really feeling very well - like I was finding standing up a bit much. But my boyfriend went to his brother's anyway.

I said to him that I didn't feel comfortable him leaving me all weekend and that I didn't feel well enough to take care of myself, but he left anyway. He's only coming back on Sunday.

I rang my mum, told her what was going on and they've picked me up and am staying at my mum and dad's. So I'm okay.

But I'm super, super pissed off with my boyfriend. I can't imagine leaving him alone all weekend when he's not feeling well. Am I being unreasonable?

Thanks for reading.
 
katya

katya

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Nikita said:
No you are not being unreasonable at all,you are absolutely right.
Is there a danger he is turning out to be a fair weather boyfriend do you think?
Is it something really important he left you for that wouldn't come round again and he was justified leaving you for that will make it possible to forgive him?Or is what he did a deal breaker?
I am on your side in this anyway!I am sorry he acted so uncaring, would you say it is out of character for him?
It is good to meet you jruth,I am new here.I love your avatar, it is cool!My young cousin's favorite word is awesome,she would love your avatar too!

Thanks for your response. Nice to meet you too! I've been here for a little bit but I bob in and out. :)

I've never heard that expression before - "fair weather boyfriend." Is that a boyfriend who's fine when everything's fine but fairly useless when you need him?

I think that'd be unfair because he's put up with a lot of shit from me, because I've been seriously depressed and anxious and difficult to connect with due to past trauma. He's supported me in lots of ways and has been really patient and caring towards me.

His mum was incredibly abusive, though, and he's had to be really self-sufficient, and sometimes he doesn't understand that he can act in an incredibly cold way. To him, being left on your own when you're ill is normal; he'll be thinking, "You're an adult; you can look after yourself."

But I'm not really like that. I mean, I get where he's coming from. But I like to share and feel like I'm in a partnership and like my partner sort of "has my back." And he just sort of left me for the weekend when I felt ill and stressed. I cried alone when he left and had to ring my mum to come and pick me up. I know it sounds a bit pathetic, but I'm a human at the end of the day. It's not nice being left alone when you feel like you can't really stand up.

I need to think about whether I can accept him for who he is - a well-meaning, lovely person, but with a part of his personality in terms of caring that just never really properly developed (I know it sounds harsh, but it's true). Because what that means is me being in situations, like this, where I'm ill and he pisses off and leaves for the weekend. I have to think, what if we have children together? Will he leave me literally holding the baby when I need him?

I love him, but I don't know if he's really right for me. I mean, if he could recognise he was being out of order and make steps to change, then there'd be no issue, but I don't really know if he's willing to reprogramme the way he thinks - it might be too bloody painful at this point for him. I don't know.

I'll have a think and keep you updated.
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Maybe I'm suffering from the male blind spot in this area, but I wouldn't think that a weekend alone with a tummy bug would be that big a deal? I mean there's the telephone to keep in touch, and other people in the house even if they're asleep. You can cuddle up in bed with a good book, drink plenty of fluids, surely that's ok?
 
katya

katya

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Maybe I'm suffering from the male blind spot in this area, but I wouldn't think that a weekend alone with a tummy bug would be that big a deal? I mean there's the telephone to keep in touch, and other people in the house even if they're asleep. You can cuddle up in bed with a good book, drink plenty of fluids, surely that's ok?
Maybe you're right; maybe I'm over-reacting to the whole thing. I did feel vulnerable, though, and I don't appreciate being left in that position without so much of a, "Are you sure you're going to be alright?" Maybe I'm just seeing things through the female gaze.
 
katya

katya

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Nikita said:
Yes,that is what I meant,by fair weather, someone that is around for the good stuff and disappears when you are in trouble!I do see that if you have had an abusive childhood you may get to think fending for yourself is normal if in trouble.But he isn't a child now and needs to understand.It is quite bad if he left you whilst so ill you couldn't stand up.I agree he needs to see how wrong his behavior is and change.Try talking to him.I am in no doubt it is as you say and he does support you otherwise in lots of ways and has been patient and supportive in lots of other ways.
Men do have a blind spot on some things and it may just be he assumes you are an adult as you say and harder and stronger than you seemed ,he might just not have realized how ill and unable to care for yourself you were.It does sound though like if you have children he might not see when you need help and might assume it is your job to handle them alone and leave you to it.I think it is worth bringing all these issues up in a conversation with him and see if he is willing to understand and see how this has affected you and whether he is willing to reprogram himself and change?Communication is the key to good relationships and you can't afford to let this go.I think men being men and having more than one thing(I don't mean that)on their mind, they are often thinking miles away when we talk to them,I think it just didn't register with him how ill you were and how much you needed him,maybe he thought you'd be ok staying in bed till he got home again.It may have been a misunderstanding,but talk to him about it anyway!
I hope it works out good for you both jruth.Keep me updated yes!

I told him how I felt before he left, but he left anyway. That's the niggling thing, really. Because I could understand if it were a misunderstanding, but I couldn't have been more clear; I was like, "I feel like I can't stand up, and I'm going to be on my own until Sunday. I really don't appreciate you going and leaving me on my own." Maybe he felt he couldn't just ditch his plans at the last minute, which I do understand - he doesn't see his brothers very often, and he probably thought I was over-reacting. It just felt really shitty. But I'll talk to him today (with the focus of making things better between us). I just feel a bit like my feelings don't really matter at the moment.
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Maybe you're right; maybe I'm over-reacting to the whole thing. I did feel vulnerable, though, and I don't appreciate being left in that position without so much of a, "Are you sure you're going to be alright?" Maybe I'm just seeing things through the female gaze.
So it's not just the fact that you're alone and not well, but the way in which he left. That's pretty insensitive I have to say, at the very least he should have shown some TLC before he went if he absolutely had to go.
 
katya

katya

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So it's not just the fact that you're alone and not well, but the way in which he left. That's pretty insensitive I have to say, at the very least he should have shown some TLC before he went if he absolutely had to go.
Yeah, that's it, really. I don't think I would have been half as pissed off about it, if that had been the case.

I spoke to him briefly today and he was very much like, "You were fine!" - which, to be fair, I was. He's just got a very different way of viewing things than I do. I'll speak to him later about it in more detail.
 
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