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Am I being gaslighted by my mum?

  • Thread starter alittlepronetopanic
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alittlepronetopanic

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Feb 3, 2019
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Please feel free to move this if it's in the wrong place.

So the last 24 hours have been completely hard on my mental health, mainly thanks to my mum.

I am on benefits, just as she is. I pay £150 a month which was agreed when I went on the benefits. Every month I am lending her way more than that. £50+ on several occasions. At first, I didn't mind so much, but to be honest, because of the past, I felt I owed her it, the problem is, my anxiety makes it impossible to say no and I feel she takes some serious advantage of that.

The problem now is no matter what, she is not satisfied and she is making out like I HAVE to lend her money.

I wanted to have a calm conversation about this, yet she immediately said that she didn't want to because I am the one who doesn't understand. I try and make her see it from my point of view, but somehow, she uses that against me, telling me it's all my fault to the point that I'm starting to believe it even though deep, deep down, I can't see how I'm the complete problem.

She constantly makes me feel guilty about not giving in so my stupid mental health makes me do so and yet she still doesn't like what I give. I gave in, gave £20 and I was told that it would all have to go on the electric, fine, but then she went on a rant to me about how she can't afford everything else. I basically told her that I don't appreciate being her cash machine, yet somehow, I'm the one who doesn't understand. I went to our local shop, offered to buy her what she wanted, went back home and she complained we were low on said electric and then moaned further because she won't pay those prices.

I just feel I can't win with her. In the space of two days a couple of weeks before I got paid, she borrowed £45 from me and then took my mental health, buttered me up because she knows I can't say no and made me feel bad if I didn't erase that debt. If I ever genuinely feel I can't afford to lend her money, she basically forces me to see what I can afford. I also trying to start some savings and she has even suggested I lend her that on occasion.

Surely this can't be right, or am I just making a big deal out of everything? Because honestly, I have no idea anymore.

I just needed to let this out, but to be honest, it's hard to explain at gone 4:30am
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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May 25, 2020
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6,853
Location
England
Being on benefits you are not in the position to give your mum money. It is hard enough to survive on it for yourself. Your mum is taking advantage of you and seems to know how to make you feel guilty into giving it. You are in a very difficult situation as it is very hard for you to refuse. You need to focus on your mental health. She makes your mental health worse so it is vital you set boundaries. Have you ever had any therapy? It may help you to understand you are worthy and deserve love and your mum is mistreating you. You are not making a big deal out of this. It is a big deal. I am very sorry your mum is doing this to you.
 
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Shlink

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Please feel free to move this if it's in the wrong place.

So the last 24 hours have been completely hard on my mental health, mainly thanks to my mum.

I am on benefits, just as she is. I pay £150 a month which was agreed when I went on the benefits. Every month I am lending her way more than that. £50+ on several occasions. At first, I didn't mind so much, but to be honest, because of the past, I felt I owed her it, the problem is, my anxiety makes it impossible to say no and I feel she takes some serious advantage of that.

The problem now is no matter what, she is not satisfied and she is making out like I HAVE to lend her money.

I wanted to have a calm conversation about this, yet she immediately said that she didn't want to because I am the one who doesn't understand. I try and make her see it from my point of view, but somehow, she uses that against me, telling me it's all my fault to the point that I'm starting to believe it even though deep, deep down, I can't see how I'm the complete problem.

She constantly makes me feel guilty about not giving in so my stupid mental health makes me do so and yet she still doesn't like what I give. I gave in, gave £20 and I was told that it would all have to go on the electric, fine, but then she went on a rant to me about how she can't afford everything else. I basically told her that I don't appreciate being her cash machine, yet somehow, I'm the one who doesn't understand. I went to our local shop, offered to buy her what she wanted, went back home and she complained we were low on said electric and then moaned further because she won't pay those prices.

I just feel I can't win with her. In the space of two days a couple of weeks before I got paid, she borrowed £45 from me and then took my mental health, buttered me up because she knows I can't say no and made me feel bad if I didn't erase that debt. If I ever genuinely feel I can't afford to lend her money, she basically forces me to see what I can afford. I also trying to start some savings and she has even suggested I lend her that on occasion.

Surely this can't be right, or am I just making a big deal out of everything? Because honestly, I have no idea anymore.

I just needed to let this out, but to be honest, it's hard to explain at gone 4:30am
i guess you're an adult now but this makes me sad remembering as a teenager my single mother due to her issues occasionally mismanaging the limited money and all nicely 'borrowing' money from us, pocket money or little savings we might have been given by our dad in a bank account, but never returning it as I recall. I think there's something strangely emotionally confusing about that sort of thing. I don't know what your arrangment is but it sounds like she's repeatedly expecting special exemptions to it, based on what?
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Joined
Mar 19, 2019
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10,676
Location
UK
Please feel free to move this if it's in the wrong place.

So the last 24 hours have been completely hard on my mental health, mainly thanks to my mum.

I am on benefits, just as she is. I pay £150 a month which was agreed when I went on the benefits. Every month I am lending her way more than that. £50+ on several occasions. At first, I didn't mind so much, but to be honest, because of the past, I felt I owed her it, the problem is, my anxiety makes it impossible to say no and I feel she takes some serious advantage of that.

The problem now is no matter what, she is not satisfied and she is making out like I HAVE to lend her money.

I wanted to have a calm conversation about this, yet she immediately said that she didn't want to because I am the one who doesn't understand. I try and make her see it from my point of view, but somehow, she uses that against me, telling me it's all my fault to the point that I'm starting to believe it even though deep, deep down, I can't see how I'm the complete problem.

She constantly makes me feel guilty about not giving in so my stupid mental health makes me do so and yet she still doesn't like what I give. I gave in, gave £20 and I was told that it would all have to go on the electric, fine, but then she went on a rant to me about how she can't afford everything else. I basically told her that I don't appreciate being her cash machine, yet somehow, I'm the one who doesn't understand. I went to our local shop, offered to buy her what she wanted, went back home and she complained we were low on said electric and then moaned further because she won't pay those prices.

I just feel I can't win with her. In the space of two days a couple of weeks before I got paid, she borrowed £45 from me and then took my mental health, buttered me up because she knows I can't say no and made me feel bad if I didn't erase that debt. If I ever genuinely feel I can't afford to lend her money, she basically forces me to see what I can afford. I also trying to start some savings and she has even suggested I lend her that on occasion.

Surely this can't be right, or am I just making a big deal out of everything? Because honestly, I have no idea anymore.

I just needed to let this out, but to be honest, it's hard to explain at gone 4:30am
Hi alittlepronetopanic,

Gaslighting? This is financial abuse, pure and simple. Your mum is putting constant pressure on you to part with your money and the more you give her, the more she will use you as a free overdraft.

My suggestion would be to buy a little notepad and write down any financial transactions between you, with both your signatures. This dispenses with any arguments about who has bought what and who owes who. I have a finance book at my mum’s house and just write the date and staple receipts in there. I was getting severely out of pocket with my mum’s shopping - she’d ask me to buy things and tell me “I’ll give you cash tomorrow” but rarely did. The book and keeping receipts solved the problem.

You are an adult and you should have healthy boundaries. Your mum has no right to know what money you have or what you do with it. Keep everything private - particularly savings. This might be an insecurity on her part that you could save enough to move out.

Stand your ground - this is financial abuse and would not be taken lightly in a court of law - Mental Health issues make us vulnerable.

Sending you love and good wishes x
 
R_Sxo

R_Sxo

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2017
Messages
3,093
Location
Pyongyang, DPRK
It's not easy to say no, but the longer this goes on, the worse it will get for you to be honest. You have to take that leap of faith and break it off. As it stands, by continuing to pay her whenever she needs it irrespective of whether you can, you're enabling her bad behaviour. So I'd cut it off straight away. She is taking advantage of your kindness, and then making you come off as the bad person. That's not a healthy relationship at all, and certainly not one that deserves your support with that lack of appreciation x
 
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