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Am I a work bully

Q

quietsecret

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Feb 6, 2015
Messages
23
Am I a work bully?

I work closely with two other girls in my office and one of them started about three years after I did but gets along with the other girl very well to the extent that they will have hushed conversations in front of me, partially closed doors conversations, go out together for lunch etc about office politics or mundane things. It hurts because I used to be really close with the older girl and it feels like I've been thrown away and also like the younger girl has been pushing her way into my friendship with everyone I know at work. I feel so weary I don't want to fight for time and friendship. it's confusing as sometimes they include me and sometimes they totally blank me socially I literally feel like I am an astronaut in space cut loose and floating alone with no one to hold me back if it makes senses. I'm not one to cry but I have taken breaks at work just to hide in the stairwell or toilet just so I can be physically alone and not just emotionally sometimes just to sh or purge so I can concentrate on something else.

My response is to totally shut myself down and bury myself in work. I hardly talk to them unless they talk to me or if it's work questions ( I'm not abrupt or rude.. Just not chatty as I used to be). As a result I've been highly efficient..Hahaha. I can't help being happier when the younger girl is on leave and the older talks me to like we used to and I get chattier and I feel guilty about feeling this way. Then she comes back and it all starts again and I get sad. I try to remind myself of the hurt I felt but I forget because things were like they used to be when she's gone and I feel happier and lighter.

Do you think I'm a bully to the younger girl by not being as friendly to her? I think I treat both of them about the same when they are both in the office. But am I still a bully? I don't talk bad about either of them to anyone at work.

This is just the social part of it. The work side of it is that I feel like I'm the most useless at work and she keeps getting more interesting responsibilities and I feel so worthless. They say how stressed they are and get the flu/cough etc whereas I'm fine so I don't know if I'm simply not stressed by my workload or I've just become so numb to it all I just delve head first into work as no ones going to do it but me. So I don't know if the way I'm acting is because I'm jealous and acting out.

I appreciate any opinion anyone has. Today's just been really hard so I was looking up isolation at work online and it occurred to me that maybe I'm a bully
 
katya

katya

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Dec 4, 2013
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I don't think you're a bully.

Workplace relationships are one of those things you have to take with a pinch of salt - you can't take them too seriously. Hope you can put this out of your mind and just focus on work. I think you're doing the right thing by treating them the same and being more friendly towards your friend when you're alone in each other's company. Nothing wrong with that. Try not to be jealous; I'm sure their relationship isn't a reflection on you. :)
 
Q

quietsecret

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Joined
Feb 6, 2015
Messages
23
Thank you. I'm quite sensitive at the moment because of today so the thought that maybe I'm being mean to her just won't get out of my head. And all these bad feelings won't stop.
 
katya

katya

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Joined
Dec 4, 2013
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Location
England
Thank you. I'm quite sensitive at the moment because of today so the thought that maybe I'm being mean to her just won't get out of my head. And all these bad feelings won't stop.
Aww no, you're just over-thinking things and that's the worst thing you can do. Honestly, you're not being mean. Just focus on making sure you're okay. :)
 
Q

quietsecret

Member
Joined
Feb 6, 2015
Messages
23
I don't think you're a bully.

Workplace relationships are one of those things you have to take with a pinch of salt - you can't take them too seriously. Hope you can put this out of your mind and just focus on work. I think you're doing the right thing by treating them the same and being more friendly towards your friend when you're alone in each other's company. Nothing wrong with that. Try not to be jealous; I'm sure their relationship isn't a reflection on you. :)
Thank you. It just feels really lonely at work when I'm just sat in a corner by myself and they are whispering furiously. I even walk the long way round just so I would have to walk past them in case they suddenly stop talking. I think that feeling would be horrible. I don't really think she's my friend anymore I just miss how it used to be because friends don't treat friends like that. Sorry I tend to see things in very black and white when I act/feel grey it makes me doubt myself and then I think I am a hypocrite and I don't like hypocrites which makes me dislike myself of that makes sense. Thanks for reading and commenting. It was just a really bad day at work today and just people assuring me that I'm not mean to her makes me feel a bit better
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Thank you. It just feels really lonely at work when I'm just sat in a corner by myself and they are whispering furiously. I even walk the long way round just so I would have to walk past them in case they suddenly stop talking. I think that feeling would be horrible. I don't really think she's my friend anymore I just miss how it used to be because friends don't treat friends like that. Sorry I tend to see things in very black and white when I act/feel grey it makes me doubt myself and then I think I am a hypocrite and I don't like hypocrites which makes me dislike myself of that makes sense. Thanks for reading and commenting. It was just a really bad day at work today and just people assuring me that I'm not mean to her makes me feel a bit better
I think it's rude for them to be whispering around you. I find it really distressing when people at work do that around me - they might be talking about something that has nothing to do with me, even child protection, but I still think about why they're not just allowing me to hear it, unless it's something about me and it's negative? I know how you feel.

Maybe you can speak to HR and they can have a chat to everyone about whispering in the workplace - they wouldn't have to find out it was you, and HR could send out this message to everyone, so everyone knows that it's rude to whisper, but it's not directed at anyone in particular?
 
Q

quietsecret

Member
Joined
Feb 6, 2015
Messages
23
I think it's rude for them to be whispering around you. I find it really distressing when people at work do that around me - they might be talking about something that has nothing to do with me, even child protection, but I still think about why they're not just allowing me to hear it, unless it's something about me and it's negative? I know how you feel.

Maybe you can speak to HR and they can have a chat to everyone about whispering in the workplace - they wouldn't have to find out it was you, and HR could send out this message to everyone, so everyone knows that it's rude to whisper, but it's not directed at anyone in particular?
Oh it's definitely gossiping about work people/work politics from the snatches I hear. So when they are extra careful with whispering or go out and feed me some ridiculous reason to talk I just feel so paranoid it's me that's why they don't want me to hear and I just think what did I do wrong. If it's mundane things weather, food etc they talk in normal voices. I tell myself I don't care I'm a good worker and good at what I do and all that but it still hurts as much.

Our team is really small and the others are all guys so they don't gossip/whisper. On one hand it feels like such a trivial complaint to hr. Like I'm complaining that I have no friends and the problem is me and not them. I do want to quit just because it feel so bad when I have work but I really need the money to pay off my study loans and interviews/new jobs/ fear that I'm not good enough for other things give me great anxiety. I have decided that once I've paid off my loan and if things are the same/no career progression I'll just leave and find something else. So that's a little bright spot to look forward to.

In the meantime I'll just remind myself to be neutral and keep to myself so I won't get hurt as much. Thank you for your suggestion though!
 
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