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Am I a bad person? Please help me!

L

Lolalolita

Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Slowakei
#1
I´m finding myself in a very bad stage of my life. A few months ago I found out something about my past that I completely forgot for so many years. So basically around ten years ago when I was 12 or 13, I was living near my aunties house. My cousin was around 4 and we played a lot. I remember a situation were he sat on my lap and I got an erection. It was the beginning of my puberty and I was very confused and got an erection. It wasn´t the fact that I liked children but the feeling of a butt on my penis. The bad thing is that it brought me some kind of joy in that moment so I wanted him to sit on my lap again the next times, in purpose to get an erection again, maybe 2 or 3 times in total. I can´t exacly remember. I can just remember that one time. I never had the feeling it is a bad thing that I was doing. But I was so young and every touch was something special. After the few times that happened I never did that again and it was erased of my brain. Until recently. I´m not a pedophile or a pervert. After that time I never looked at a child in another way. I saw children just as children. But now that I remember what happened it gives me the feeling I am a terrible human being. I can´t live with the feeling and it makes me feel hopeless. I always concidered myself as a good person but now I doubt it. The thing that scares me most is that one day he could look back and think that I am a pervert. Do you think a 4 year old an tell that it was an erection? Did he notice it? And am I a bad person? I was so young and I wasn´t even realising it as something bad. I regret that so so much.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,433
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#2
Lolalolita, You are a very good person because you are berating yourself over a minor thing and a bad person wouldn't even care. You were just a kid yourself with new things happening in your body that you had no control over. Little babies get erections when you clean them and change their diapers. Are the little boy babies bad?? Of course not.

Regretting this having happened is illogical. You committed no crime. As my auntie would say, You are making a mountain out of a molehill. You put a stop to it, didn't you ??

Here's something for you to work on for the rest of the year: Have compassion on everyone, INCLUDING YOURSELF.

love, Poopie
 
L

Lolalolita

Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Slowakei
#3
Thanks <3 That´s so good to hear. I always tried to do good things my whole life. Ans this thing that happened made me think that I am a bad person and everyone will hate me. I can´t get over the fact that I did something wrong in my life.And of course I stopped and never did it again. But do you think he could look back one day and think:"He had an erection when I sat on his lap, so he is a pervert."? That is something that goes through my mind as well.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
279
Location
Minnesota, USA
#4
Hi @Lolalolita and :welcome:

I don’t think he can remember what happened from the age of 4. He didn’t understand then and it wasn’t traumatic to the point that it will stick with him for the rest of his life.

You are a good person and you don’t need to shame yourself about it. You were a child yourself back then and going through changes.
 
L

Lolalolita

Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Slowakei
#6
But I hope you guys know that I´m feeling very gulity because of the fact that I wanted him to sit directly on my d... in order that my erection is pressing against his butt. That´s the thing that makes me feel so bad. And also that fear that he was thinking "whats that thing pressing on my butt?" and could have been something traumatic for him. I don´t want to annoy you guys but it was in my mind the last months and it was a big step for me to talk about it now. I hope you will understand me and help me clearing it off my mind so my life can go on.
 
ThatSinkingFeeling

ThatSinkingFeeling

Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2018
Messages
17
#7
It sounds like you are having a lot of intrusive thoughts tied to a PTSD episode. You should try to speak with a therapist or nurse who can train you in tackling intrusive thoughts, and you can properly talk with about the situation and your thoughts & feelings. Sexual exploration/ awareness is a natural part of childhood so self-forgiveness is needed.
 
albie

albie

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 22, 2013
Messages
156
#8
You were a KID! Kids do stuff like this all the time. I recall that me an my brother were very young and we went to stay at my aunt's house. While we were in the bath her daughters came along to spy on us.
 
L

Lolalolita

Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Slowakei
#9
Thank you so much for your positive support. I really try to get over it, but as soon as I try something new pops up in my mind. I remember that I wanted to hug him and hold him in my arms. I kissed him on his cheeks and I got erections while doing that. These thoughts make me think that I´m a bad person and fill me with anxiety. When I read the positive messages of you it helps me but then I have the feeling that maybe I forgot a detail and it burns my mind. I´m feeling very lost.
 
L

Lolalolita

Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Slowakei
#10
Am I a pedophile or a pervert because of the things that happened? I´m so confused because of my thoughts. I always thought I´m a normal guy but now that I remember these things I doubt it all.
 
L

Lolalolita

Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Slowakei
#11
I would be very thankful for your further opinions. Like I said these thoughts are burning me from inside since few months now. I really want to get over it and bring my life back to normal. For that I need your help.
 
J

John14

Member
Joined
Mar 7, 2012
Messages
10
#13
I’ve had online sex chat with people, which makes me feel guilty and ashamed. But I don’t think it makes you a bad person if you can look at it as you do. It happened,you were young and never followed it up.
 
ThatSinkingFeeling

ThatSinkingFeeling

Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2018
Messages
17
#14
Intrusive thoughts aren't easy to explain or overcome I'm afraid. If you've felt repeatedly guilty about it and can't stop thinking about it, you might find yourself trapped in this process for a long time without professional support. Talking about it does help a lot though so it's good you've done so here.

Just know that our pasts don't determine who we are now, nor do our thoughts reflect truly what kind of people we are.
 
L

Lolalolita

Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Slowakei
#15
You are right. I´m trapped and I want to live my life normal again. Do you think, from an objective side, that I should feel guilty?
 
ThatSinkingFeeling

ThatSinkingFeeling

Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2018
Messages
17
#17
You are right. I´m trapped and I want to live my life normal again. Do you think, from an objective side, that I should feel guilty?
Objectively, as I've said, no you shouldn't feel guilty for it.
 
M

Manda

Active member
Joined
Feb 11, 2019
Messages
32
Location
Leeds
#19
Something must have triggered your guilt. You say you "found out" not something that you've just remembered. How did you find out?
I'm guessing that the child is now old enough to describe anything that might have happened. From what you say nothing detrimental to the child did happen, and you have no reason to feel guilt.
So why do feel so guilty?
I feel guilty all the time, and yes, it's because of the horrific ways I've treat people in the past.
Please look at what you are actually feeling guilty about.
 
L

Lolalolita

Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Slowakei
#20
Well I actually remembered because I watched a movie with a similar topic. It made me remember the past acting and I started to panic. In my mind, there have been crossing things like: What if it was a bad thing I did, what if he remembers that he sat on my lap, what if I am a pervert? After that I got really scared and freaked out. What happened was exactly what I told you, but as I never wanted to harm anyone in my hole life I felt very guilty and couldn´t tell if it was something that harmed him or he might remembered. Since the time I remembered my past I got very careful. Everytime I see a child I´m going 5 steps back so I don´t accidently touch them or anything like that. I´m scared that I could be a pervert and always keep asking myself if I can have children some day. My personality changed so much. I got very introverted and confused.