- Feb 7, 2019
I´m finding myself in a very bad stage of my life. A few months ago I found out something about my past that I completely forgot for so many years. So basically around ten years ago when I was 12 or 13, I was living near my aunties house. My cousin was around 4 and we played a lot. I remember a situation were he sat on my lap and I got an erection. It was the beginning of my puberty and I was very confused and got an erection. It wasn´t the fact that I liked children but the feeling of a butt on my penis. The bad thing is that it brought me some kind of joy in that moment so I wanted him to sit on my lap again the next times, in purpose to get an erection again, maybe 2 or 3 times in total. I can´t exacly remember. I can just remember that one time. I never had the feeling it is a bad thing that I was doing. But I was so young and every touch was something special. After the few times that happened I never did that again and it was erased of my brain. Until recently. I´m not a pedophile or a pervert. After that time I never looked at a child in another way. I saw children just as children. But now that I remember what happened it gives me the feeling I am a terrible human being. I can´t live with the feeling and it makes me feel hopeless. I always concidered myself as a good person but now I doubt it. The thing that scares me most is that one day he could look back and think that I am a pervert. Do you think a 4 year old an tell that it was an erection? Did he notice it? And am I a bad person? I was so young and I wasn´t even realising it as something bad. I regret that so so much.