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Always falling back, when trying to move forward

Diesel1988

Diesel1988

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Feb 6, 2015
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For years I've been trying to cope with many mental health issues and traumatic events. I've had sever concussions and addictions and loss of loved ones. I feel disassociated all day and am at a point where i am clinging to any branch I can find. To stay sane and healthy, to go forward with my life.
Over the years of dealing with my issues, i found that the help that counselors give and through my own self-thought process, i am able to use this information, in a way to cope with everyday life....But I always find myself thinking that i will have to deal with these issues for the rest of my life, i am fortunate not to be in an institution...
I think is it worth it, then I think that yes, I am worth it.
I just wish there was some way that i can stay on track, and to have the right thoughts and the right actions all the time. I think that i just need to keep moving forward with my recovery, even though it may take many years, and the rest of my life.
 
W

wannabegooroo

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when things get tough and you feel scared, sad or tense, observe the pattern of behaviour which you use to cope, it oftens runs in cycles, you can notice the pattern, maybe you go from partner to partner to cope etc bro
 
Diesel1988

Diesel1988

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Feb 6, 2015
Messages
50
Thanks. I have notice many patterns of my behavior and my coping strategies but i lose self confidence, esteem and worth. i kinda give up, or think that i'm better now and I don't have to go through with counselling, medications, or self-care. Kinda stupid after i read this, but I do this every time I get better, then when i stop what is helping me, i always get worst.
 
Diesel1988

Diesel1988

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Feb 6, 2015
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today it thought was going to be a good day, but my mind feels clouded slightly, and my voices are still vocal. Even though, in reality it was a good and beautiful day, in my mind it was heavy, and seemed filled with judgement from others. I really don't care what other people think or say about me. But the weird thoughts in my mind try to make everything in the world, about me, and that everyone judge's me. The reality of this is that, I believe, everyone is self conscious and wonder if people judge them, and most of the time, everyone, judges everyone. It;s just the matter of caring or not.
It just gets to me, with the voices and all. Hopefully posting this has helped me straighten it out in my mind.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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Jul 8, 2013
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The Prancing Pony
I can relate to what you say. I get a daily sense of being judged. Sometimes it is very disturbing and I go to bed in a bit a of a state.

Sure why care about it? There is good in this world, and why not seek it out and be part of it. You don't have to be in the company of these types of people.
 
student12

student12

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Mar 18, 2015
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465
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NJ
That is how i felt with my former job coach. she couldn't just forget about my past job interview mishap and help me prepare for other interviews nah. But fuck her who needs someone who constantly kicks dirt in my face. if i would of had fucking help instead of condemnation maybe i would of had a job now. :sorry:
 
Diesel1988

Diesel1988

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Joined
Feb 6, 2015
Messages
50
That is how i felt with my former job coach. she couldn't just forget about my past job interview mishap and help me prepare for other interviews nah. But fuck her who needs someone who constantly kicks dirt in my face. if i would of had fucking help instead of condemnation maybe i would of had a job now. :sorry:
I hope you get a new and better job coach who will back you up every step of the way, its difficult always feeling that im being judged. I wish the best for you!
 
Diesel1988

Diesel1988

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Feb 6, 2015
Messages
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So to add to all my mental health issues, a neuro -psychologist advised to me that i have ADHD like really, but doing a little research on it and some options for treatment, that won't interact with my MH Scripts, and I fit perfectly, with all the issues I have. Really, it never entered my mind before, and maybe after all this time and agony of finding out whats wrong with me I can actually make a treatment/therapy plan that will be centered to what is going on. I feel thankful though :)
 
Diesel1988

Diesel1988

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Feb 6, 2015
Messages
50
Over the past 6 months or more, I've been weaning myself off my Effezor 225mg and Seroquel 75mg. I'm at 150mg and 25mg. and today i tried to up my dose of effexor back to 225mg. I feel less cloudy, disoriented, and able to talk and use my own mind. I've been increasing and decreasing my dosages for the last 10 yeats, but i forget or block out the effects or doing so. I just felt fed up with feeling drugged up or like its not working.
 
Diesel1988

Diesel1988

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Feb 6, 2015
Messages
50
My goal is to final get off these drugs because they alter who i really am. but I know that doing so might make me like i was before.... I was so suicidal that I couldn't be left alone for 5 minutes, I had anxiety, depression, PTSD, auditory hallucinations , and bipolar disorder, but these may all be caused by my new diagnoses of ADHD. Maybe if I take myself off all this shit, maybe I can be me...I've been waiting so long to be happy, to feel anything but the drugged numbness and mindlessness I go through everyday...I have nowhere to turn because when ever i open my mouth it comes out in a drugged out haze.
But for anybody's concern I feel great right now, I'm okay and feel happy enough. I just want to stop the meds and go somewhere where they can monitor me or maybe a rehab centre.
 
katya

katya

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Dec 4, 2013
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I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed by your illness at the moment. It's horrible when you feel like you've tried everything and you become more convinced it's going to be this way forever. Please remember that your mind will focus more on negative things when you feel bad, so it's understandable that it would seem that way right now.

Thanks. I have notice many patterns of my behavior and my coping strategies but i lose self confidence, esteem and worth. i kinda give up, or think that i'm better now and I don't have to go through with counselling, medications, or self-care. Kinda stupid after i read this, but I do this every time I get better, then when i stop what is helping me, i always get worst.
I think this is your answer, though. I think you should accept that your illness is a long-term thing and have long-term treatment for it - then it'll actually get better, and you'll begin to feel a bit more positive about the future.

I'm sorry you're going through this right now and I know it's not easy. Please try to be around people right now.

:hug1:
 
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