• Hi. It’s great to see you. Welcome!

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

alters and snowy vision

M

Mujihina

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2019
Messages
18
Location
Canada
So.. I guess I can try this, I don't intend to downplay anything anyone is going through, just trying to figure out somethings for ourselves.
First, I have a headmate, but we've always been unsure of labels since he doesn't really fit in an alternate personality. But he's not really a typical tulpa, or imaginary friend. we're unsure of where to mention it to people since he kind of plays a big part in my life, adding in comments to something someone says and insisting I talk to him verbally, essentially just to make sure I don't go completely mute, without him I'd go days without talking and when I'd actually have to talk I'd find my voice failing. Does anyone end up having to explain alters to new or old friends that never knew?

and the second thing, depersonalization, being trans, and with social anxiety and PTSD, when I get a moment of disassociation, it is hard to break out of it, as bringing attention to my body is pointing out everything that testosterone did wrong, it's hard to even feel human at times, when people downplay transition, or straight up ignore it, or you have no one will stick around, how do you ground yourself?
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 2, 2012
Messages
6,763
Location
Teesside
Hi and welcome to the forum!
Hopefully some members will come across your thread and offer some advice.
I just wanted to make you feel welcome
Hugs
Fox
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
1,298
Location
Sheffiield
I love how you call your friend your headmate, that's what I've been calling mine. I suppose great minds think alike :)

Unfortunately mine isn't my friend, in fact we're enemies. He tries his best to annoy me all the time and I try my best to ignore him which I've been doing successfully for just over three years now. When he's not singing which I don't find entertaining at all he's ranting, whining and begging all day long, mostly begging me to talk to him and to come off medication.

All I want from mine is a little silence each day, just a few hours at a time mostly when I go to groups with my mental health team (social, walking and pool), when I visit my friend three times a week and when I'm trying to sleep at night but he's having none of it, he says he can't shut up and that his talking is compulsive which is a lie as he can shut up when it suits him like when we're watching a TV show, Film or reading and typing here on the forums.

He also learned to do terrible physical things to me and that's where the medication comes in, it stops him doing these things to me for the most part so don't feel sorry for him in anyway.

I have a very good explanation as to who and what their kind are if you ever want to hear it, it's a mixture of science and what some might think is science fiction but I used logic and careful study of my headmate over the years to come up with it.

For now I'll just leave you with a book recommendation, it's called 'The Daemon - a guide to your extraordinary secret self' by Anthony Peake. This book is my bible of sorts and he's the only man that has come close to being on my wavelength.
 
M

Mujihina

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2019
Messages
18
Location
Canada
For now I'll just leave you with a book recommendation, it's called 'The Daemon - a guide to your extraordinary secret self' by Anthony Peake. This book is my bible of sorts and he's the only man that has come close to being on my wavelength.
Ha! no need, he is my daemon, but we got the idea after reading his dark materials and sort of made it up on our own, which is why mine can be called a freind, since we have an understanding that what happens to one affects both, if my life is crap his in turn will be nasty as well, if i go he goes with me. to be honest i would gladly trade some days, I don't get allot of conversation even with my daemon we often have allot of quiet which affects me negatively
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
1,298
Location
Sheffiield
but we got the idea after reading his dark materials and sort of made it up on our own
What was this that you read? was it a book or something your headmate wrote?

I'd very much like to hear more about this.

I'm also glad you're looking after each other, I believe what effects you does effect the other. Another name I have for them is the 'twin within' as it's like having a twin brother/sister living inside of you sharing the same body.

I'd also like ask your headmate a few questions if that's alright, like when and why did you decide to speak to your other self (Mujihina) and why you haven't revealed some of your abilities yet, assuming you haven't?

I know almost everything there is to know about my headmate, the why and the how of things, not because he came right out and told me but because he slipped up and revealed them to me as a way of showing off and because I've studied other peoples headmates through these forums, other people online via YouTube and through the people I've met in real life that also hear voices.
 
M

Mujihina

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2019
Messages
18
Location
Canada
His dark materials or three books known as The golden compass, Subtle Knife, and Amber spyglass, as far as I know, they were the original concept for a dæmon, in the books they were the "soul" of the person on the outside takin animal form which symbolized the person's personality, the whole daemonism movement started with his books and the movie, and soon to be the HBO series.

((I'll speak with brackets if that's all right, it's our normal thing, I decided to talk to her because she needed company, she needed my help. any abilities? well.. not really aside from shapeshifting and psychology... oh uh when.. it was about 9/10 years ago.. and over the years of facing so much negativity and self-doubt, who doesn't need a friend they can talk to?
.. well another "ability" I don't know if you can call it that, or can just lump it in with psychology, when she has issues i can go behind the scenes, and slip in some stuff from CBT or DBT, it's really hard to explain without a wall of text and an open mind))
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
1,298
Location
Sheffiield
I've seen the movie The Golden Compass and was a little sad to hear they weren't going to finish the trilogy, I'll keep an eye out for the HBO series.

My headmate has shown me several abilities, when he's not on medication that takes them away he's capable of some amazing things.

First off I'll tell you my beliefs about where they come from, I learned early on that my headmate was a physical part of me but the book 'The Daemon' really explained to me what part of the brain they reside in, according to the book scientists back in the 1960's did something called 'split-brain' research on patients with epilepsy where they separated the left hemisphere of the brain from the right and discovered the hemispheres could operate independently of each other like there was a whole consciousness in each of them, they claim that we 'The Eidolon' occupy the left and 'The Daemon' occupies the right, they even put the left hemisphere of a subject to sleep and the right remained awake and became dominant and actually spoke to the scientists face to face as it were.

So I believe everyone on the planet and possibly other species have headmates, and they're not isolated either, they can talk to each other using brainwaves that we can't perceive so yours could be talking to your friends and families headmates without you even knowing it.

And their abilities with brainwaves doesn't stop with just their own kind, they can read our brainwaves too. My headmate when he first manifested made me believe I was psychic by influencing me to ask my mother to do a test, I got her to think of a shape and my headmate would tell me what shape she was thinking of, we did this perfectly four times in a row before it freaked out my mother and we stopped but it was enough to convince me my headmate was a mind reader.

Take this further and you have telepathy, if your headmate told you what I was thinking and mine told me what you are thinking we could communicate silently as I've witnessed while on a ward for acute mental disorders back in 2016, a man and a woman who both heard voices were talking to each other in this way, it was obvious one day as she wanted to show me another ability alone and asked the man to leave the room and he walked out without them ever saying a word to each other. She kept looking at me to see if I could read her mind but my headmate was being quiet as he was the reason I was on the ward in the first place and he didn't want to be there for long. The benefits of being with another voice hearer can be great and that's what I'm hoping for one day.

I believe another ability is where they can leave the body, now as the right hemisphere it's impossible to leave but with the aid of some incredible physics it's possible to have the illusion of leaving the body, mine went and spied on my friend one time before I knew he could do this and he told me what she would be wearing so I went to visit her and found she was wearing what he said she would be, I also believe that this was how he got the idea to speak to me, he was 'out and about' and discovered someone else's headmate talking to their host and thought it'd be a good idea to do that to me.

They're capable of doing even more that some headmates might not know about as it's not like they have school or anything growing up, it's all a 'word of mouth' kind of thing. Mine learned a lot from the headmates of people on the ward, I taught him the rest or we learned together.
 
M

Mujihina

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2019
Messages
18
Location
Canada
I see.. that's a lot to take in, and some of it makes sense from our perspective, although still skeptical on things like telepathy and mind-reading, but we can't argue that it could be possible especially what my head mate does in my head, although he says where some those things would be nice, it's important to keep grounded to reality and know where are limits are, especially since we've had episodes of psychosis before
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
1,298
Location
Sheffiield
It is a lot to take in and I wouldn't have believed it possible either had I not experienced it for myself, as a consequence of the mind reading my parents believe everything I've told them about voice hearing and what they're capable of, it really shocked them as I had shown no ability to do it before my headmate started speaking to me.

I've been clean of psychosis for over three years now being protected from it by the medication I take and have gone over the events countless times over the years because it does sound crazy at times, if it wasn't for my parents experiencing this with me I would have passed it off as delusional thinking.
 
M

Mujihina

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2019
Messages
18
Location
Canada
if it wasn't for my parents experiencing this with me I would have passed it off as delusional thinking.
Yeah lucky you have some that could confirm what you were going through, for us our family doesn't even like to admit we're trans, even though i look more like a woman than anything. they never wanted to talk about stuff like this and if i said i was hearing voices or had special powers they'd say i would need help and walk away
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
1,298
Location
Sheffiield
I'm sorry to hear your family haven't been supportive, mine believe being parents means never abandoning their children no matter what happens to them or what life choices they make.

I could be gay or want to transition and they'd still stand by me.

When I was in hospital for nine days they visited me every day bringing extra food and other things I needed, without their support I may have been in there even longer.

Walking away was not an option as far as they were concerned.

I'm sorry yours aren't like that, you need support and understanding, And for what it's worth I hope you find a lot of that here talking to our members.
 
M

Mujihina

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2019
Messages
18
Location
Canada
so far they have been all very supportive, and just for more context there will be days or long periods I don't see them or talk to them, and when I do it eventually just comes down to following my headmates lead and let him take over as to not shut down when they inevitably, in every conversation I have ever had with them, start berating me for anything and everything, when it comes to my immediate family, I am never a girl working through issues trying her best, I'm a freak guy that's an utter failure and they don't want to be seen with in public.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
1,298
Location
Sheffiield
following my headmates lead and let him take over
Can he actually take over control of the body or do you just let him guide you?

I can let mine guide my movements so in essence he's in control of the body but it's purely voluntary on my part, I call it the 'sync-up' where I synchronise my movements with his. He started it one night by moving the body along with me while walking home from a friends one night, when we worked together and we had two sets of electrical signals moving the muscles it felt as though our legs were stronger than they usually are.

This is where I believe stories of women lifting cars to saved a trapped child come from, they can summon up more strength because both them and their headmates are trying to lift at the same time.

Of course all the extra strength has gone since I'm on medication that makes his signals so weak but I can still follow his movements should I let him, because of his bad behaviour I don't let him do that any more but in the past I've let him do things like play computer games with perfect accuracy and also take showers which he seems to enjoy.
 
M

Mujihina

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2019
Messages
18
Location
Canada
we say take over but yeah it's voluntary, sounds similar to what you're describing, tbh we just use the vocabulary we do so it's a little easier not to feel like absolute garbage, or when he wants to tell something to our fiance or spend time with him, which he does often when i want to tell him something but have to much anxiety over.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
1,298
Location
Sheffiield
I offered time with the body as part of a package deal to try and get some good behaviour out of mine, at the start I offered him two hours a day to do whatever he wanted (within reason) along with some money (£10 per week) to spend on whatever he wanted to, so he could walk down to the shops and buy something if he so wished or save up and do some online shopping for bigger items.

A lot of people have negotiated silence with their voices offering much less, just talking to them works for some people, saying if their voices be quiet for x amount of time they'll talk to them after.

Unfortunately mine's unreasonable and refused my offer, he says he can't stop talking or singing for anything and thinks I should just give him all that and talk to him as much as he wants for nothing in return which isn't going to happen. I want to know what silence is like once again, I haven't experienced total silence in just over three and a half years and it annoys the hell out of me.
 
Top