Alot went down last Friday night... Please help

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dabwc6

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Mar 7, 2019
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Missouri
Hello all... I have been through a lot in the past couple of months. I know I need help, but I am not sure how to start. I will try to explain my situation (as brief as I can). I know I need therapy, but I wanted to write my thoughts down and share with someone, so I can maybe relive a tiny bit of my pain while moving to the next step (therapy).

For a slight background: I have suffered from depression for a long time. This runs in my family as well (Grandma use to receive shock therapy, father and sister suffers from depression as well). I also believe there are a lot of other problems with me as well... Since my 20's (I'm 31) I have been in 4 relationships that have lasted over a year. After learning about these infidelities, I instantly ended the relationships. All of these have ended by them cheating on me. I always become very depressed and it has caused myself to be very reluctant to trust women.

Here's where I am currently: I have been dating my current girlfriend for 5 years now (living with her for 4 years). We have had a wonderful relationship up until about 5 months ago (October 2018). She has never been the type of person to be very "sexual". She is on several medications that lower her sex-drive. But the past 5 months we have probably only been intimate a few times. This constantly made me upset, because in my mind she is starting to bring back the feelings that my past girlfriends gave me right before they cheated. I will be honest that my actions (shutting down, getting mad) were not fair to her. Looking back, this is where we should have reached out for help.

Two days before Christmas, her brother passed away of an overdose. I was there for her and made sure she had all the support she needed. But them she completely shut down, emotionally and mentally. I don't know what I was thinking, but when she completely shut down with me, I brought up the problem of us not being intimate. I think my brain told me that if I don't figure this out, then she will completely shut me out of my life. This was very wrong of me, but like I said, I know I have problems and I need help. Over the next few weeks it seemed like our relationship was in and out of good/bad times. She stopped texting me as much, she started working late more, she started hanging out with her girlfriends more often. Now fast forward to last Friday night:

After having a great night out (and having a bit too much to drink) we went to bed. She fell asleep with her Apple Watch on, so I went to take it off and put it on her night stand. As I was walking over to her night stand, she received a text from an unknown number asking "hey, u up?". This was scary to me, so I swiped up to read the conversation (this is the first time I have snooped on her phone, email, etc.). There was a text stating "Hey did you tell all the warehouse guys that you got your d**k sucked" and another saying something about making her "wet". This put me in a crazy frenzy. I woke her up and told her I was leaving. This resolved in a huge fight with her saying that she was going to tell me after she talked to her therapist (she did have her first therapist session the next day). She said that she gave oral to someone at work, one time. She cried and cried saying that it was a mistake and it meant nothing. What struck me as weird as that she doesn't like oral and has never texted me dirty things like that. And like I said earlier, we have only been sexual intimate maybe 3 or 4 times in the last 5 months. It made me feel like less of a man.

Another thing that she did was ask me during our argument (which might have been screwing up her mind) was if I was ever going to propose to her. This had obviously been bothering her for a while. I told her I was looking at rings now... That is the truth, I had been waiting for a bonus check from my work this month, then I was going to to buy a ring and propose. I think some of my jealosy and clingliness over the past few months stems from my fear of taking a huge step, like marriage, because of my past relationship trauma. After a while we decided to go to bed (in different rooms).

When I woke up, she was packing some bags and said she was going to go to her mother's because she needs space because she needs to think and process things, and feels awful about what she has done. She said I would never be able to forgive her. I told her that what she did to me was terrible and that I was not sure if I would ever forgive her. Then she asked if I was going to break-up with her. When she asked that, she started balling, making me think she did not want to break-up. I told her I could be willing to work things out. Then she left.

I let her have her space, but she started texting me. She has said she loved me but she needs some time to process and think. I have let her know that I am willing to try to make things work (obviously with couples counseling). She has texted me several times that she misses me and that shes confused. She also recognizes the fact that we need to sit down and talk soon. I have only responded to her texts, I have not bothered her needed "space".

Sorry this is so long... It feels good to get this out of my brain. I need some advice on what kind of help should I seek out? Master Level Clinician? Psychiatrist? What type of "specialty" should I look for when setting up an appointment with a therapist or psychiatrist? I just need to talk to someone about what my next steps to better myself are. I also still love this woman and truly want to try to work things out, but I am really confused on why she hasn't came to talk to me yet. I went from thinking about being engaged this month to not knowing if she thinks I'm worth trying to work things out. I'm also really hurt becuase I don't know if she has cut-off all contact with the person from work. She said during our argument that he meant nothing and would not talk to him anymore (this is possible because she works in the office and he works in the warehouse). She has let me know that she "has problems that clearly need assessing".

Again, I'm sorry this is long, but it has relieved me expressing this. Please, any advice will help. Thanks.
 
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Kelly B

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Feb 22, 2019
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301
Location
Pasadena Md. USA
Sort of sounds like your girlfriend is all over the map. You said she wants to get married but in my opinion you shouldn’t rush into anything. Whatever problems you have now usually become worse if you jump into marriage. My opinion is that you should wait a little longer. Resolve some issues first. And, yes, go see a therapist or psychiatrist before you commit. Best of luck to you.
 
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dabwc6

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Mar 7, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Missouri
Thanks, Kelly B. I know that it has been a hard time for her, and I know with my actions plus her grieving can cause her to act out. I am waiting patiently for our much needed face-to-face discussion. Thanks for the advice
 
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dabwc6

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Mar 7, 2019
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Missouri
Any more advice would be appreciated. I feel like I’m losing her and I’m having a rough time right now. Thanks
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

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Feb 8, 2019
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777
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California, USA
You can see a therapist on your own to get advice on this situation, and on your past relationship histories. I think this would be really helpful, whether or not she comes around to want to participate.
 
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Alladyn1919

Guest
Any more advice would be appreciated. I feel like I’m losing her and I’m having a rough time right now. Thanks
I'm not competent to offer any advice on your relationship.However if you need a mental therapy it is my strong recommendation to seek it as anonymously and as far away from your place of residence as possible and affordable.If you still have a status of having no mental problems do all you can to stay it that way.
I never lived in another country but I really doubt if it is much different than in my region since nobody so far challenged seriously my advises often exprressed on this forum for avoiding exposing one's mental health issues to the public.
Sometimes I suspect some malicious intent in a lack of any warning attached to an advice "go to the psychiatrist", and not just a case of naivety , impaired judgement, etc.
In any situation people should consider pros and cons of some intended action and making one's mental health issues public is a really serious cons.
 
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dabwc6

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Joined
Mar 7, 2019
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Location
Missouri
An Update...

So we sat down and talked about what happened and I can tell she feels horrible about what she did. Her act of infidelity was only a one time thing and I could tell she hated herself for doing it. We decided that we would try to work things out. We both still love each other and are staying in our relationship.

The thing that confuses me is that she said she still needs time to herself and that she isn't ready to come back home (and continues to stay at parent's house.) I think this might be correlated to her feeling close to the memory of her brother. She also said that instead of couples counseling right away, that we need to work on ourselves first. Does this seem normal? The more she spends away from our home, the more weird this situation seems to me. How should I tell her that I want her to come home and work on making our relationship stronger?
 

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