alone

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riverofdragons

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Yes, helping others is a good way round. I spend alot of my time helping people already, as its an international business school lots of the pupils have a hard time understanding things, so I explain them.

Been signed off of my part time job for another 2 weeks - thats 9 weeks altogether. No sign of getting better so far. Going to try and go swimming tomorrow and stretch out a bit.

I need to learn how to manage my time better - no idea how i will get all my work done.

Hope everyone else here is ok - sorry to be rambling on about me.
 
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saffron

Guest
rhi river
yes you can get a lot of satisfaction with that, and also I would assume, it will help you understand others in the capacity you will have to deal with in HR, so you are getting two things out of it eh,.
I took ages working out a good time management regime when at uni, but it came in the end, in the end, I started on an assignment straight away, but gave myself an hour a day, that way it became routine, i did not fry myslef with hours of research etc, they say after a certain amount of time nothing goes in anyway, and then I had plenty of time going over things, to do extra research and also know when to stop.
you dont need to ever apologies for saying how you feel. Hope you enjoy your swim
best of luck and take care
S :hug:
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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Hey river,

How it going today - did you go swimming? Hope you are feeling a little more relaxed. I went swimming this morning, was freezing
KS
 
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riverofdragons

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didnt go swimming...didnt leave the house all weekend.

psych increased my dose today and i have to go back in 2 months. but i will be dead by then.
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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Sorry you are feeling that way - are you still on your own? Can you get an appointment tomorrow to talk to someone, is there anyone ther with you now?
KS
 
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riverofdragons

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he came back at 2, but went out at 4 and isnt back...now 10pm.

Im already on a waiting list for psychological treatment...but its been months and who knows if it will do any good anyway.
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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Hey River,

Go to the G.P and talk to them - make an appointment tomorrow. The pyschology appointments when they come should help. Don;t you have a local mental health team that you could contact?

I have just started treatment and it isn;t easy to get better is it - I don;t think anyone would say it is and obviously you have been here before - just take it an hour at a time - you know can you do something nice to relax now - listen to some chill out music - talk to me or anyone else - vent on here?

If I could lift you out of the situation I would
KS
 
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riverofdragons

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i dont get any support other than the psychiatrist and gp. I wish i did. I have huge problems with relationships so i dont have any personal support
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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Does talking help?
What about talking on here - I have huge trust issues too - but I find it not so bad to talk on here when I am not feeling paranoid that is!
What about writing some things down - just to get whatever you are feeling out.
Why don;t you try to revisit your GP I think that would be a good thing to do and they will be able to support you more - let them know you need help now.

Please stay safe
KS
:hug:
 
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riverofdragons

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I'm just feeling so helpless at the moment...i have been begging for help for 9 years now and i have just got sicker and sicker to the point now i cant work or be alone or look after myself.

in the last 6 months i have finally found a doctor to help me...

but i dont know if i can hold on long enough to get better
 
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saffron

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psych increased my dose today and i have to go back in 2 months. but i will be dead by then.

No you will not ok,

you will hold on and will get through this, we are all with you on this, you are much more valuable than this.
you thin you feel alone, how will you think about things when you have gone?

well, I think you should at least go and do all the things you want to do before you die first. come on there must be something you really want to do.
so whgat is it, indulge us.
S
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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Try to take it easy on yourself.
What if you rang the doc tomorrow - if you feel desperate tonight what about a talk to the samaritans 08457 909090.

Or just keep talking to us now
 
D

Dollit

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River do try and talk to your GP asap and take a print out of your posts here. They probably say more than you sitting there trying to speak. I will also repeat what everyone has said here already - keep coming back here and talk about how you feel. People here understand in a way that your GP and psychologist can't. I was suicidal last year, come within hours of doing it, but people here got me through it in ways you wouldn't believe.

I think of being on the forum as a place where I can say how I'm feeling and it doesn't matter because no one can see my face.
 
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riverofdragons

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Messages
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im here again, all alone in the house and not coping at all. My housemate is visiting friends and i initially thought he would be back today, then tuesday now its probably going to be thursday.

I cant cope with being alone. Its not his fault, and not his responsibility, but i cant help feeling angry, becase i am scared and cant stop crying.

My best friend is in the looney bin (pardon the term) at the moment, and im all alone. I dont know what to do.

I feel like harming, but i have gone so long without doing it that i would be letting myself down. I feel so desparate for my housemate to come back, i cant help thinking of outlandish ways to bring him back quickly, but thats not fair on him.

i dont want to be this person, scared to be alone, doing anything to get people to stay...but im hurting so much.

last night i had the most terrifying experience of my life, as i was dropping off to sleep (this happened multiple times) i felt the paralysys come over my body, then felt someone walking over the bed beside me, and (and i know this sounds crazy) the dishwasher started to scream at me, i fought to move or say a word but my body didnt respond, then i woke up a bit and it started all over again.

I dont know what to do, i havent been able to work for ages and im trying to get benefts or something but its so hard. i cant even look after myself let alone apply for stuff.

im so scared of going to sleep. im so scared of beingalone.
 
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Dollit

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Your sleep paralysis probably happened because you were stressed out. And having had both the falling asleep and the waking paralysis I know that the one that happens when you're falling asleep is a truly terrifying experience. I've had some awful hallucinations when that happens and have kept myself awake all night rather than risk it at times.

You say you're finding it hard to get benefits - have you asked MIND if they can help you to fill in forms or can you have someone with you for interviews etc.?

What scares you about being alone - sorry if I've asked this before or someone else has - sometimes it takes a tiny, almost invisible, step to start the journey.
 
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riverofdragons

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Messages
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I have an appointment with a lady from citizans advice to fill in a DLA form, but i dont know if im sick enough. I spent ages on the phone for income support and dont know if i will get it. Looks like I fall down a gap for the next 17 weeks before i can qualify.

I havent spoken to mind...partly coz i used to work for another organisation and knew a lot of them and feel embarised about what i have become. I was so sucesfull and managed a charity at the age of 22 - 26, even with depression and feeling suicidal the whole time. but this last year i have completely fallen apart and i cant even hold down a checkout job at a supermarket.

I have no friends, they always leave. even though i try to be the best friend possible to them, listen to their problems and be there for them. Something about me scares people away.

Im scared of being alone because of the things that go through my mind. I always cry and cry for no reason. i hate myself and want to hurt myself. i hear a constant voice telling me how pathetic and useless i am. I really cant be alone for long coz i do dangerous things.

im scared of myself, im scared of my illness.
 
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Dollit

Guest
You mention claiming Income Support but have you claimed Incapacity Benefit? You obviously can't work at the moment and I know it's a lot of forms but the lady from Citizens Advice can help and your doctor should be prepared to write a med cert I would hope.

Don't be embarrassed about what you are. You have an illness - it just marks you out as truly human. I've been very successful in the past and I will be in the future and in between I had to take some time out and that's what's happening to you. You're taking time out.

You're not pathetic and you're not useless. If you were either you wouldn't be here talking of how you want your life back. When I hear that dramatic self doubt I write an email to someone I'm really close to. Sometimes I send it to him and sometimes I just keep it hanging round the draft box for a few days. When I do send it to him he rings me up and asks if he should read it. Sometimes it's a yes, sometimes a no. But I always feel better about writing the things down because he cares for me and he knows that it's a safe outlet for me.

We all have our own ways of coping and it's hard to find yours right now but you will find them. Somewhere inside you is a little tiny light of hope - I know that because you're here and you're wanting to be well.

I have to go to bed now but remember if you want to write everything down and put it in a safe place but not on the forum write me a private message and send it to me. Then send me one saying if I need to read it or not. That will get some of those negative thoughts out of your head and leave some room for some positive ones to get in.

Take care sweetie x
 
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saffron

Guest
well said Dollit
River, Yoiu are a lovely and worthwhile person that given the chance is a fantastic friend as well, there are not too many people out there like you. I dont think it is anything you are doing that drives people away, and sometime we crave company so much that any amount of time does not seem enough. However, you sound like me, will always be there for someone but I do not want to burden people, or do not think it is that important, or would 'ruin' the evening if I said how I was actually feeling, and sometimes I kick myself for not mentioning it at all. I think friends need to be 'put on the spot' or given the chance to help and listen or it becomes very one way, and the friend feels that you are letting them and feels that I am not bothered about the friendship, if that makes sense.
It is hard being on your own, especially if you focus too much on it, and hating it, and worrying about it, and sometimes your mind will play tricks, but this is the subconscious playing out a fearful play based on what your conscious is telling it. I have the most horrendous dreams if I have things on my mind or am stress and anxious, I try to find something that will be mellow and chill me out, even if it is just listening to happy chillout and relaxing music. this not only gives me something to pass the time away but also puts me in a better frame of mind which allows me to be more positive about what I am thinking, I can rationalise things better then and put things into a cartoon type mode. anyway doing this makes things seem less frightening.
anyway, when ever you are alone, find something nice to do, or come on here and chat away, because you are never alone, we are thinking of you and will be here when ever you need us.
big hug
S :hug::hug:
 
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