alone

[riverofdragons]

I'm feeling very alone at the moment. My housemate/ex has gone away for a week and I'm home alone to deal with everything.

To be honest it scares me. I dont worry about people breaking in or anything - not much at least, I'm scared of myself.

I'm scared of hurting myself, of the emptyness, of the phone ringing. I'm scared I wont remember my tablets, wont remember to eat and that no-one is there to check I get out of bed. Being alone makes we want to die.

I promised myself I wouldn't self harm - my new year resolution...so far I have kept to it. I need to be stronger.

My latest tablets make the death voice go away most of the time, but what if it comes back when I've been alone a little while?

What have I done to deserve this... What evil things I must have done to have these feelings and thought-voices in my mind.

People think I'm geting better but i'm not. Im just learning to hide it so i dont hurt them.

im scared and alone

 

[keepsafe]

Hey River,

Is there anything you can do to distract yourself when you feel in danger, such as write things down - draw things, make the voices in to silly sounding ones so they are not so threatening - none of this is easy I know.

What if you just try to come on here and post - anything if you are feeling so bad - anything just to distract from the moment.

Don't think too far ahead, just think for now if you can.

Don't be scared - talk to me now if you want.
What a Positive no self harm since December thats Great!



KS

 

[riverofdragons]

I have my journal, I write in there a lot when im low. Sometimes I just get fed up of writing bad things, but its very difficult to be positive. I am trying really hard right now to be positive and get my life on track.

- I have joined a gym - exercise is meant to help my mental health and will help my weight for sure.

- I'm trying to attend university every day (though ironically I get panic attacks being around too many people)

- Banned self harm - as i use it as an easy way out of stress which is not healthy

- Trying to focus on Uni and remember I have a psychiatrist appointment in just over a week - just need to hang on til then - for now...

Thanks for caring keepsafe, thanks

 

[Twylight]

you haven't done anything to deserve it

There is no justice in Mental Health

people with MH issues are the nicest people I know

 

[keepsafe]

It's so hard to see positives when you feel so low - but everything you have written in that post (almost) is a positive step - it is really hard, but you are doing a good job!

Sorry if I am not being a help, but thinking of you
KS

 

[riverofdragons]

thank you both for kind thoughts

My housemate/ex just called to check on me which is nice.

I suppose i should try and sleep. The landlord is coming tomorrow morning - not looking forward to dealing with that on my own. It helps to know you guys are around for support.

Thank you so much...if there is anything i can do for you just say.

 

[keepsafe]

Bed for me too - soo sleepy, just taken meds. Don't forget yours either ok - shall I remind you?!

Try to get some sleep, hope you can dream of something good.
KS

 

[Dollit]

Tiny steps at a time and remember fear is always worse than the event.

 

[riverofdragons]

Well I made it through the landlord visit - and you were right, It was no where near as bad as I feared.

I guess I need to try and keep busy now...all I can see is a stretch of time....empty time until Lectures on Monday.

 

[quality factor]

Hi there,

You seem to be getting on very well at the moment....well done you!

I think one of the worst things that anxiety does to me is that I constantly think ahead and anticipate how things are going to be and I usually do this in a negative way instead of taking things as they come along and going with the flow. It is usually not as bad as I anticipate but that's anxiety for you.

So try and take each day in your stride (I know it's not easy), and keep as positive as you are able, and the week will soon go by. You might surprise yourself at how you can manage unaided....you can always keep up your journal or...post on here.
Take care and goodluck!!

 

[riverofdragons]

Its getting hard right now. Im feeling very bad.

 

[keepsafe]

Hey River

Hows it going - not too good I see - do you want to talk about it?
KS

 

[riverofdragons]

I went to sleep - sleep often saves me from hurting myself these days. Very lucky that i can fall asleep so easily.

Just woken up and watching my fav TV show 'Bones' to distract me.

I dont feel it, but I guess i am coping

 

[quality factor]

Well done, I guess if you feel you are coping that's quite positive. I'm sitting here waiting for the snow to start so I can take some photos, well it's something to do!!
Keep on truckin' and try not to let thoughts of SH take over your mind...be good to yourself.

 

[riverofdragons]

I've made an appointment with my GP coz I just cant keep going til monday. Now I have my psych on monday morning but Im in so much pain all the time, and I just don't know whats physical and whats mental anymore.

I know they wont be able to do anything but i think it will help.

I have been off work for 7 weeks with back pain. But the pain is in my fingers and my legs and every bone and muscle in my body. I see a physio but it doesnt do much.

i need more help, but it seems that there is no preventative care for depression....they are just waiting until i try and kill myself before they do any more...

my life is slipping away to this...