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All my so called friends abandoned me and are now trying to erase me

J

JCrow

New member
Joined
Oct 22, 2014
Messages
1
Hi, I'm new to the forum. I've been suffering anxiety from recent events and they will probably get worse in the next few days, and I really need help and advice.

I'm 19 and I have been suffering from social anxiety for a long time now. However because my social life essentially died in 5th grade and I was a loner throughout all of high school, I had not realized I had the symptoms this clearly until now.

But during this past summer I had the opportunity to be part of a group in an organization and I thought I had finally made friends again. I was fully prepared to make no friends and it be a waste of time as well as make friends who I won't see again. But another alternate ending happened that I wasn't prepared for. I was pretty quiet at first, but as time went on I gradually talked more and said what was on my mind more and everyone thought I was really funny :). It felt great, I felt like I had experienced some true growth as a human being. But towards the end of July something unfortunate happened. Through a misunderstanding some of the group thought that I had done something against them. When I tried explaining things I think most of them understood better, though one in particular was never the same to me again. But it was around this time that it became clear I was really anxious about losing friends, that I had a big fear of being left out, and I was afraid of being rejected and was very sensitive to criticism. I feel that a lot of people in the group began to take notice. Anyway, that one person would only talk to me sarcastically, sometimes jokingly and sometimes quite hostility. After awhile I began to feel something was wrong. I tried clearing things up with that person and they kept rejecting me. And as time went on I began to feel more excluded and I was too vocal on my fears of it, which looking back may have caused me to lose friends.

Eventually an incident came up where they were very openly hostile as well as someone who was usually nice to me but I think was under peer pressure to join in. And incident came up, and I just went home late and tried to put it behind me, but they went straight to our manager. I believe they told an untrue biased version of what happened, and the manager was so fixated upon it that he didn't care about my side of the story. I was banned from the company completely, although later told I might be able to go back next year if I do good in something but I don't really have the motivation to help something that treats me this shitty. After a more neutral version got through I was told my coworkers would receive the same punishment but they didn't and I got yelled at for questioning if they would. Meanwhile so far everyone else in the group I tried to contact has ignored all my calls and texts, even people who I was sure I had made pretty good connections with. One person who would talk to me on the phone for over 40 minutes to help me when I voiced my fears ignores me completely. So does someone who I thought was the nicest person I ever met and who was really helpful towards me too. Meanwhile the rest of them are all still great friends and it seems like they are just trying to forget about me or erase me. This was the scenario I hadn't counted on, that I made no friends and yet everyone else did. I feel they were told a version of the story that made me look like a monster and basically said "We won't ever see him again, so just forget about him". I fear that I had lost them as friends awhile ago and they were only tolerating me after the misunderstanding. Now that they don't have to pretend to like me, I fear they are cutting me off completely. And what really sucks is that starting tomorrow, they are all going on a company-paid three day trip in New York. Everyone is going except me. The two coworkers were supposed to be banned as well, but that was a lie. Now I have to sit back and watch as my fears are repeated, I'm excluded from the group again and will be forced to watch photos of them all having fun on Facebook without me.

I feel like all of the social growth I had made has gone away. I'm slipping back to my old habits, I'm reverting back to my old social fears, and now this experience has made me realize I have avoidant personality disorder, which I was recently diagnosed with. I had felt very suicidal in the following couple days after the ban, and I hardly ate or slept at all. So I don't just feel I lost my progress, I also feel I went even backwards.

How can I feel better about this and be prepared for the photos in a way they won't get to my head? Also I really want to be friends with at least a few of them still, and I'm not sure how I can get them to realize this wasn't my fault. And on top of that I don't know if I can forgive them for not being there for me now. I probably sound pathetic for still wanting to be around them, but I know I definitely had at least a few good friends before the misunderstanding happened. Can someone please help me?

And please don't waste time asking about the organization, I was being intentionally vague about it, as well as about the people in it. I don't want to discuss that.
 
S

stella

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 13, 2014
Messages
252
Welcome to the forum ♥

As for advice, I don't really know what to say, I'm on the same situation as you, due to a misunderstood all my friends are ignoring me. I feel you so much ;_; I'm trying to make a schedule, and include some light exercise and relaxing videos or exercises. Try to mantain yourself occupied and avoid social networks like facebook, that will only hurt you more. And if you think you have even a small chance to try to talk to any of that friends, try to, you have nothing to lose. If not, give yourself time and other opportunity to make friends will come. I understand you so much when you say you feel stupid wanting them arround, and when you say tou don't know if you could forgive them for not being there for you now. I feel the same way, I want to solve the misunderstood but I feel angry at them for not being here with me when I'm this down. If you want to talk or something I'm here ♥ I also have problems to have relations with people
 
J

Jigglypuff Fan

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 26, 2014
Messages
1,298
Location
Avenue Q in the US
This is EXACTLY what happens to me literally all the time. Every time someone abandons me I start to stop caring about myself in general aside from showering. It even affects how my apartment looks. It can last up to six months usually but after the only friend I ever had abandoned me at the worst time possible, I completely gave up and stopped cleaning for a year because I was so unhappy. I actually had to move because I just stopped caring because I saw no point in cleaning IF it just reminded me of how lonely I am. I only did dishes and took out the trash but other than that I just gave up. What bothers me the most still is that we made promises to each other and I've kept my promise and still do but he promised mot to abandon me like everyone else had done to me in the past. I was actually happy for once and also felt "normal" for the very first time and I wanted to improve myself because he gave me motivation. When he abandoned me after my mom died, I lost everything. I still have trouble getting over it. I'm sorry that this didn't help but I know EXACTLY how it feels to be abandoned by those you thought were your friends.
 
S

SpaceTurtle

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 24, 2014
Messages
577
I don't know but you don't give us enough information to form a strong opinion about what did or did not happen.

I am sorry that you feel lonely and socially isolated. Because of your past isolation, this seems to have caused you to become somewhat needy and anxious towards others, which I think perhaps causes you to overreact to others in a social way.

It was a job, and now your gone, you have to move on. I mean, sometimes things change in our lives. You can only make it a learning experience and try and figure out what went wrong. If other people don't want to contact you, you can't force them or convince them otherwise, persistently trying to do so may come across as unwelcome communication.

Perhaps you could do with your therapy and some sort of social skills training?

You need to talk in-depth to someone about what actually happened to try to isolate what went wrong (you may be partially to blame/I don't know) so you can avoid the same thing repeating in the future.

I understand that it can be hard to do when your lonely, but you must try and not come across as too socially needy to others, because this can push some people away.

Making friend's is a slow and gradual process that takes time and patience. It doesn't always work out. There are many people who I once was friend's with but no longer am. Unfortunately a culture of dislike seems to have developed towards you at the company, and I don't think you are likely to be able to reverse that and restore things to how they were. You could always ask some of your other colleges, what it is exactly that is the problem?

I do wish you luck forming successful friendships in the future. Best wishes.
 
S

shahana

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 3, 2014
Messages
80
Location
London
If you don't mind me being a bit mumsy, they don't sound like they are true friends, true friends don't abandon you. I know that being a teenager often means you associate your identity around your social group, but ask yourself, do you really want to associate with those, who aren't mature enough to hear both sides of the discussion?. You need to say to yourself YOU ARE WORTH IT, Believe in yourself., genuine friendships take time and maybe look for older more mature friends in the workplace, who said friends have to be the same age group? As regards work not sure what country your in, or terms of your contract, but if there has been no formal warning with regards your behaviour and they have only issued a verbal warning, you cannot be sanctioned against participating in workplace activities. You can talk to human resources or union rep, as what you have said they are doing is discrimination. There are workplace legislation that prevents the practice of unfair hearings, dismissal etc. next time you get called in to see manager request that you have a representative with you,(if no official rep than a coworker will do) that the meeting is minuted and signed with an agreed action plan to how issue is to be resolved, details of all workers involved regarding the situation and the agreed outcome to take place. Employers have a duty to show that they have taken all reasonable action to help retain an individual in the workforce, also to help reduce stress , violence, intimidation,etc within an agreed time period agreed by all parties before anyone can be sacked. If the issue is that one or other party has been intimidating, a formal warning and proceedure must then take place. Please look into your contract,with regards to your rights. if you've worked over a year in England you have certain rights as does the longer you have worked. Please seek workplace representation for further meetings. No matter what you have certain rights, both in the workplace aswell as a Human being, but above all, your happiness does not depend on others accepting you, do things to make yourself happy, be it alone or in mixed company, try sports, I did. I tried bouldering canoeing you name it, my sons weren't gonna be the only one to have fun, and I do these sports by myself, I love my own company, despite caos, I go for walks, mayb you could join one. once you are happy in yourself you won't feel so dependent on the approval of others. Believe me been there, done that bought the T-shirt, These days I have one female and one male best friend but loads of acquaintances, I don't let people in that close to hurt me, they have to prove to me that they are exceptional, because I believe I am. I have Acquaintances I hang out with, go coffee with, go for a bite, but I don't consider them close friends, I don't confide personal things to them. they are different friends for different occasions, usually people I have something in common with, artists, musicians. The only two people that I allow to my home, are my two best friends that through their actions, have proved they care, over some time. As do I for them. I'll do anything for anyone, no justification needed, seee a need fill a need is my philosophy. maybe work for a charity they tend to have people of all backgrounds. Take care son.
 
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