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All I have is my own reflection and I can't even properly see it



Nov 13, 2014
Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum. I've been feeling like all my negative thoughts are constantly echoing in my head yet I have no one to talk to. I feel like I need to shout into the void of the internet and get it out and I hope to find some magical people out there who could perhaps share a little insight. I'm not used to doing this kind of thing but it's worth a try. I've been holding in most of my problems and concerns that I feel like when I actually physically tell someone I will either freeze up or overload them. I know I should find a therapist or at least talk to friends or family but in all honesty I have few close relationships.
I've always experienced shyness in my life, which through self diagnosis I would call my experience social anxiety. Through my childhood and adolescence I have experienced body issues that have recently (within the past five years) manifested in a restrictive eating disorder fluctuating between anorexia-bulimia-excessive exercise-binge eating, etc. My whole self esteem relied upon my opinion of my body at any given time which was often quite low. I have neglected my mind and my spirit and my emotions and I feel I have become an empty shell.
I experienced depression during my eating disorder but now that I am trying to rid myself of it I still have no interest in anything, I have nothing to replace my eating disorder. Now all I want to do is eat all the time and I can't bring myself to get off the couch or bed even though I think of how I should be excercisng all the time. I had to quit my job because 1: it sucked and 2: the combined stresses of my social isolation, the job, and my eating disorder was too much that I believe I would not have lasted another week without landing myself in a hospital somehow.
I moved home with my parents and i am currently unemployed and unmotivated, I have days where I feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel and I am just going to rot away here, some days I just want to die. I do nothing. I don't want to do anything. I'm putting on weight and that makes me feel nauseous. I don't even want to look at myself or get dressed most days. I know this will pass once I become more busy but I am afraid of my lack of feeling and desire. I hate that I'm obsessed with my body. I hate that I can't talk to anyone about how I feel. I'm afraid of what I will become.
This post has not even done justice to what I have been feeling, I guess that's what the point of discussing it with another human is. I want to talk to a therapist but I am afraid to take that step.

If you read all of this thank you so much, I appreciate it a lot.


Well-known member
Aug 17, 2012
The West Country
Welcome to the forum. Sorry you haven't had a reply yet - i've only just seen this post.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling for so long, and to feel so alone in your struggles too. :hug1:

I wouldn't panic too much about being unemployed. I understand that it's not great living at home with your parents at times, but the way I see it, this seems like a really good opportunity to finally reach out and get the help you deserve.

Are you parents aware of your problems? If not, do you think they'd be understanding and supportive if you told them?

I'm not sure if you're based in the UK or elsewhere, but if you are in the UK - your first port of call is your GP.
It can be an incredibly long process before you get therapy, so the sooner you can get the ball rolling the better.

Try to see your own well-being as your main goal for the time being at this point in your life and stop feeling bad about not being motivated.
It's a sign of depression (which i'm sure you've gathered you probably have) and it's an illness - by no means is it a choice or personal failure.. x


Well-known member
Oct 13, 2014
Hi! welcome to the forum o/

well, as the previous person said, being unemployed will let you have time to focus on yourself and your problem. Try to get a therapist to help you and don't blame yourself for not feeling good, it's your health, you don't have to justify it tl anyone.

I'm also really shy and awkward in social situations, so you can pm me if you want, I understand the struggle of social life...