- Apr 18, 2021
So i am a 30 years old woman, soon to be 31. Somehow, all the choices i made had lead me to complete loneliness. I have literally noone anymore in my life. I used to have friends and a very long term relationship. I destroyed everything by myself, lost all my friends one by one and later i left the only man i ever loved. I am paying all the mistakes i made. I wasnt feeling okay with myself, thats why i destroyed everything between me and others. Now all the old friends of mine are married, having their jobs and families and generally busy in life, we arent talking but its easy to find out through social media... I woudnt even dare to speak to them after so long, even if they forgave my bad behavior and absence of years, i am no near their social circle, there would be no time for me and in general its how i feel about everyone right now. I tried to speak to one of them some months ago, just to find out that she is married with a kid. I asked her to meet up for a coffee to catch up with our news, she said yes sure and since then she dissapeared... I feel just very behind in life, i dont have any job, i dont have any relationship, i dont have anything at all. Its been 3 years since i broke up with my ex boyfriend, since then i live in complete solitude , my ex moved on with other person , i still havent met anyone and i dont even know how to do this anymore. In my age it seems everyone are already in relationship, i live in a small town , i have no idea anymore what to do to meet some new people(moreover single) and job seems like impossible to find, even in other towns(i dont have any experience even if i have a bachelor degree, i finished university later in life and i own it only a few months now, everyone need experience, i never get an answer from all these cv's i am sending.....) I dont have a good relationship with my parents, no siblings... Actually my relationship with my parents were and always is terrible. They abused me psychically and verbally since i remember myself, maybe thats what lead me to always make unhealthy relationships with people. We have zero communication and they never cared to find out about my personal life anyway. Just helping me a bit with a few money to survive, which they never forget to hit on me in every chance they have. Maybe i need therapy with a psychologist, i realized it better now after i hit complete bottom and lost every single person i had ever known, but i have no money to do it, i have no money to do anything in general, because no job ,no money, just basic money to live that my parents provide. I feel like i am just existing until the my death day , that either will come natural , either by my own hand if i cant endure this anymore. 3 years now, everyday feels the same and this complete silence is killing me. I live by my own and thats because my parents dont even want me in the house, they prefer to help with a small rent so they can keep me away from them as usual. Since i was a kid they never had time for me, or wanted to know me better, i always felt a stranger in this family, like a burden that they had to tolerate... And i am so embarassed in the end to talk to other people with similar age, cos everyone seems to have their life in a balance , while i am a no life trash , what to even talk with these people, i know the look that i will see in their eyes. I have noone to help me to start from somewhere, noone to talk to feel a bit better, somehow it was my mistake how i ended up but i am paying it too expensively... Moreover this covid thing is restricting even more the things in every section. I tried online chating but it seems most of these people are looking for sex,even worse most men are married already, or divocred looking for some fun.... Seems like there is no hope anymore for me to find true love either, i know most people meet, get married and start a family in their 20s.... Sometimes the need of ending all is too strong and probably will become stronger as time keeps passing with nothing changing, i am trapped, i dont know what to do anymore...