• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

All about me, me, & oh... me.

S

Sarey

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 6, 2010
Messages
135
So, this is about me & my struggles.


I warn you all, this will be triggering, and very long, so you should get a cuppa and biscuits. :p


My name is Sarah(sarey as a nickname), & I'm 17 years old, & single.

I have eating disorders (a mixture of binge eating disorder, bulimia and anorexia), these have affected me for many years now, I am in recovery but I still continue to slip up and struggle day to day with them.
Right now, I'm relapsing, but not full blown, yet.


I have alcohol and drug addictions, both of which have caused havoc in my life, and continue to at times.
I have been binge drink free for quite a few months now, I've only had about 2-3 binge drinking sessions last year(2009)
Regarding my drug addiction, I take narcotics for my medical condition, M.E and other medical problems, so it is extremely hard to keep it under control and take it for the reasons it has been given to me.


I have Emotional Dysregulation. It affects my life severely, and has done for many years now.


I have been a Self Harmer since I was 7, from biting myself, to cutting veins and overdosing lethally, it has gone from mild behaviors, to severe behaviors, right now, I've been cut free for a few days now.
I continue to harm myself but it's not as severe.


I have ADHD, combined type.


I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Both cause extreme distress.
I've been suffering from them both since a very young age.


I have Receptive Language Difficulties.
This complicates how I interpret and understand what is being said to me, it really does cause a lot of problems in my life however I am trying to cope with this difficulty,and though it may never go away, or I may always struggle with receptive language, I will continue to try and cope with it.


I have Severe and Complex Emotional Needs, and this was on my special needs statement.
Self explanatory.


I have Depression.


Medically, I have M.E(Myalgic Encephalopathy), I developed it late 2008.
I'm moderately-severely affected.
Bedbound the majority of the day.
Very rarely go out.
Now needing a wheelchair.
My family doubt how ill I am, and they say a lot of things that have upset me badly, I've been told it's in my head, fake, attention seeking,hypochondria, anxiety, depression, etc.
It really has affected me, and I get zilch support from family members.


I also have Acid Reflux Disease.
This is more under control right now, but it flares up frequently.


The possibilities I could have;
Borderline Personality Disorder & Dependent Personality Disorder.
I have all the symptoms of both of these disorders, and these symptoms severely affect me.
I'm just waiting to turn 18 for these to be diagnosed.

It's suspected that I'm on the Autistic Spectrum, but there has been no diagnosis, and I doubt there ever will be, but it does explain a few things.


Quite a lot of emotional, mental, verbal & physical abuse & neglect has gone on in my life, from the majority of my family members, for as long as I can remember.


My biological father used me as a weapon, manipulated me, abused me, neglected me, & he came in & out of my life as he pleased.
I have overdosed multiple times & injured myself multiple times because of him.
I've wanted to kill myself because of him.
I haven't seen him since 06.
I took a huge step & I told him I want nothing to do with him & for him to stay out of my life.
He is not a father to me, in the slightest, & I'm glad I stood up to him, considering I'm very scared of him.
He can take his mind games & his abuse & neglect away from me.
I'm done with it, & I'm done with him.
The memories are still distressing, however, & the damage has affected me, & my life quite severely.


My mother is an alcoholic, & I do not know her without alcohol.
She neglects me, & in the past, has physically abused me, that has stopped now, & she on & off abuses me.

She favorites my elder sister, who is 19, & this isn't coming from jealousy, she truly does & it makes me extremely upset & feel very left out, and worthless, unwanted, unloved, etc.

I'm also the black sheep of the family, & the scapegoat.

Occasionally, there are days where she can be okay... but it doesn't last long.

The memories of what she has done to me, & continues to do to me, stick with me & they are, as all of my bad memories are, distressful.


Now, onto my sister.
She, in my opinion, fits the profile of a narcissistic, she has been absolutely vile to me, & she has physically abused me, as well as emotionally, verbally, & mentally.

She has purposely left razors & pills out & she has told me she wishes I would kill myself & die & she says I'm nothing to her& I'm an attention seeker & I'm a psycho & she hates me & I ruin everything & I'm fucked up & I belong in a psych ward & I'm not her sister & she uses the "death wish" on me, I could go on & on.

I do not consider her a sister to me.

I try to avoid as much drama with her as possible.

To be frank, I'm quite scared of her, she has threatened to kill me & to keep on eye open at night.

She's extremely aggressive & very melodramatic, she has physically hurt me before, & her boyfriend, & others too.

She lives with my mother & me still, I'm hoping she will move out sooner, rather than later, as she is 19 & she keeps saying that she'll move out, but I think she just loves the control she has around us all & the fear of her & how she practically rules this house.

I don't think she has a heart, at all.

She is also very cruel & abusive to her boyfriend, and my mother at times too, which makes me wonder why she favorites her.

She is now pregnant.
I'm very concerned and worried for this child to be born into such a family.
To grow up with a narcissistic as a parent is hell, I'd know.


Other family members such as cousins, aunts & an uncle have also been involved in taking the pleasure of abusing & bullying me,&using me as the scapegoat.


I have been sexually abused & molested by my step brother & cousin at a younger age.


Since I was quite young, around 10 or so, I've also had multiple incidents with many guys molesting & sexually harassing me, up until last year, when I left school, so it can't really happen anymore. (As I go out very rarely and for short periods of time when I do.)


I have been severely bullied throughout most of my school life, this still affects me to this very day.

I dropped out of school in year 7, and returned in late year 9 to a special educational needs school.
This impacted me a lot, and caused deterioration in my learning skills, self esteem and confidence(like it could get any lower.)

I was in a special educational needs school from year 9 till year 11, where I was given a special educational needs statement.

My needs were somewhat met, however, they still failed to meet all of my needs, as said, they are severe and complex.

I was also bullied throughout my time in this school.

I did, however become *over* attached to my tutor, she was a lovely lady, and like a mother to me.
I miss her terribly.

All this abuse, neglect, sexual abuse/harassment/molest, bullying, abandonment, have caused so much distress & chaos in my life.

Some memories are vivid & distressing, & some are blurred, fragmented, & some, barely a memory at all of what exactly happened, sort of blocked out with the pieces of the puzzle muddled up, & I can't make complete sense of it... it distresses me so much& I don't know what to do, or how to cope with them.


I have tried to kill myself since I was 8 years old, more than 30 times, I've actually lost count.
Some were lethal methods, they failed, obviously.

I continue to feel suicidally depressed.


I have been sectioned into a psychiatric ward for 28 days which they failed to help me at all, and at 13 years of age, considered it a"phase" after lethal attempts to end my life.
Yes, of course it is a "phase" to be suicidally depressed and very unstable for as long as I can remember.


I have been seeing Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services since I was about 7, and I've just gotten increasingly worse as the years went by.

I've seen countless professionals & not many have had success with helping me.

I no longer see anyone anymore.

I have been on the child protection register before for both abuse/neglect & for being a threat/danger to myself.
I was taken off of that last year.


I'm now planning to ask to be referred to Adult Services & hoping for things to be taken more seriously & for some sort of proper help & to "click" with a professional.


Well, I realize this is a lecture, I thank you for reading all of this.

Peace & love to all.

Feel free to PM me whenever.

I'll be posting around quite a lot, for support & to give support.

Take care.
<3
 
Last edited:
A

Ainsworth

Guest
hello

:welcome:

if you havent done it already, you should maybe think of starting a journel for yourself on here, it can help.

welcome to mhf :)
 
emski

emski

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 15, 2008
Messages
1,151
Location
North West
Thank you for sharing with us - that can't have been easy to do. My heart goes out to you. A really warm :welcome: to the MHF and I hope you find it a friendly and supportive place :grouphug:
 
S

Sarey

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 6, 2010
Messages
135
Aww, thank you guys.

A journal sounds good! Thanks for the idea. :)
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
Hi ... its bad what has happened to you ... and that it still happens .. the services are a joke .. and realy need to work "efffectively" ....

. I am sorry that thee things have happened to you ...

... mabe it would be an idea to start a journal on here

.. take care .. boB ... :)
 
NeoDelta

NeoDelta

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 23, 2010
Messages
107
Location
Southampton
Hi welcome to MHF, ive been here 2 weeks now and have had brillaint support from the people here, hope you do too.
 
S

Sarey

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 6, 2010
Messages
135
It sounds like a promising place. :)

Thank you.

& For those who suggested a Journal, I've just created one -
http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/showthread.php?p=127750#post127750

:)
I'll probably be updating that regularly, perhaps even more than once a day.
(A lot goes through my mind!)

Thank you again everyone.

I've also made a bunch of threads in the MH part of the forum, I feel slightly embarrassed for posting so much, I hope it's alright.

Take care.
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
You post what you need too ... :p
 
greebobeebo

greebobeebo

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 3, 2009
Messages
1,027
Location
north norfolk
Hey Welcome

Sounds like you had a bad start to your life, now if you can I think you should take the bull by the horns and run your own life the best you can.

My early life was great until I was 17, I have spent the last 20 years fighting all sorts of different demons, but now, apart from this bloody stupid depression I am in a better place than I ever was.

Alex
 
S

Sarey

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 6, 2010
Messages
135
"Sounds like you had a bad start to your life, now if you can I think you should take the bull by the horns and run your own life the best you can."

Most of my illnesses/disorders/difficulties are here to stay, and I struggle severely with them, and I always will struggle with them, so it's a bit more harder than how easy you make it sound.
I don't believe that cliche, but I honestly do want to "take the bull by the horns and run my own life the best I can", but being so ill, both mentally and physically, prevents that from happening.
All I can do is try right now just to get through each day, and that's what I intend to keep on doing.
There's nothing more I can do but try.
And since I'm struggling so much, it's a bit hard to do anything but that, though that is all anyone can be asked to do, try.
That's what I believe anyway.

I may be coming across as pessimistic, but that's just how it is, and I apologize if I'm coming across as rude, I'm just saying how I feel and the reality of this, I don't intentionally want to come across as rude or anything.

Thanks for the warm welcomes.
 
Top