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alien hand syndrome? depersonalisation? anxiety? bpd? what?

Q

quebz

New member
Joined
Jun 23, 2018
Messages
1
hi everyone
hum
this is strange to explain
ok
so i have been diagnosed almost three years ago with BPD and PTSD. i am still being viewed regularly at the hospital, that’s alright.
the things is, i get really bad dissociation/depersonalisation moments since, well, as long as i can remember. my psychiatrist believes it has gotten really better since te forst time i walked into her office, but i doubt that more and more...
i have many situations i could recall and explain longly and boringly bit these, i can understand them, i can talk about them, i can deal with them (they also found me 130+ of iq, so i guess that’ll be useful.)
but.
there’s one situation that peculiarly troubles me and makes me even slightly embarrassed...
the only tie i have really been able to make (because ues i’m that one idiot that googles their symptoms, read every article ever about anything related or not to what they might have amd get tp the hospital claiming they have brain cancer) and the onoy real tie i was able to make (other that dissociation) is alien hand syndrome
but, obviously, i don’t have any pf the neurological prerequisites, nor it’s about my hand.
(that’s the part where it gets weird)
i’ve always felt really confortable in my body and what i looked like (i have passed my entire childhood with a father telling that i least, i was pretty, or else i’d be a waste of air) but there’s one part that makes me incredibly uncomfortable,
my feet.
pr more exactly, my toes.
(it isn’t weird. it isn’t weird.)
let me explain: they always have been quite alien like to me, i guess, but i really started to notice when i was 9/10/11. i remember i was reading a book, lying on ly bed, and my mum’s boyfriend of the time came in and made me notice that my toes and my entire foot actually but mostly my toes were dangling and hanging in a weird position, and when i looked at it i realised it was painful, but i couldn’t move them. so, i played it off. i have many other moments that followed over the years where i could just stare at them and find everything wrong about them.
they’re so strange, alien-looking, like my heel is 1,5 inches wide but the front with my toes is like a good 4 inches, toes are weirdly smooth yet so asymmetrical with inconsistent, bumpy nails and weird shape and some are long and thin, longer that the others that are small and fat. on top of it, i am fair to the point where you cansee my veins UNDER MY FEET. it’s almost as if i could retrace my bone structure.
it doesn’t really creates a problem in everyday life, just when i wake up the morning from i nightmare (my meds help me with anxiety but make me have weird dreams every night) it’s the first thing i see and it troubles me, or when i’m having a panic attack (like right now, as i’m typing this) it just makes me more confused, but it a way it makes me focus on something else. mybe it’s a defense mechanism from my brain to distract myself from thoughts like « everyone hate you you should cut and swallow lots of pills », you see?
it’s like the opposite of a foot fetish, witch could maje sense because the most accepted theory about foot fetishising is that the part of our brain that recognises body part sometimes confuses feet with genetelia, so...
i don’t know.
i need to stop asking google everything (and look where i am. that’s probably the only real damage from that strange obsession.)
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Hi quebz. I'm sorry you are so focused on your feet. My feet are extremely small and my shoe size is a child size. My toes are very tiny. I do not focus on them at all. There are more important things in life to focus on. I am not my body. You are not your body.
 
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