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Alarmed by my increase in drinking

G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
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1,246
I am going to a new one on Monday. I hope she’s better. My other doctor was happy to just renew prescriptions without ever seeing me.

This is totally gross but I am bleeding out my back end the same flow as a period. I have so much cancer in my family and I take crap care of myself, I guess my passive suicide (drinking) is working.

My dad is fading so quickly. He can barely walk. I am angry at him all the time. I’m going to be alone soon.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
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Midnight, please don’t worry about me. You need to look after you. It would devastate me if I hurt you unintentionally.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Mar 19, 2019
Messages
3,205
Location
UK
Well this helped. Not.

Had a bottle of sparkling rose tonight.

There’s a fundamental part of me that does this to occupy the many hours I spend alone and afraid. Which creates the anxiety.

I’m sorry guys, I am so not worth your time.
Oh hun - give me a hug :hug:

It's less than ten hours since you came to the realisation that drink was becoming an issue.

Nobody was expecting you to have changed your life in THAT time!

Every action begins as a thought - you're conscious of drinking now - so much so that you're berating yourself for a bottle of Rose.

That's progress - yesterday, that bottle of Rose would have been the prelude to starting on the spirits. ;)

The bleeding MUST be seen to. You could have fissures, ulcerative colitis, a burst vein, severe diverticulitis or heamorroids...there is no reason to live with that discomfort and you must get it checked. Your mind has jumped to cancer - but there are so many other possibilities.

Stop with the self-hatred. You began a process of change in your mind earlier. Tomorrow, you'll think things through and start to come up with a plan of action.

Rather than hating yourself right now - write down how the bottle has made you feel...has it enhanced your evening? Are you happier? Has it numbed the pain or intensified it? Focus on the effect the drink has had and scribble it down on paper - then we can re-frame this experience as research and an integral part of your transformation. ;)

Here if you need me xx
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
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I’m so sorry guys. I feel like such an ass.
 
J

JamesUniversal

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May 20, 2019
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38
Location
St Helens
I've drank too much for most of my life, but I do not want to stop completely as I would miss out. Therefore, I have a strict limit that I'm only allowed to drink one day of the week and that's it. apart from special occasions e.g. out with friends, birthday etc.
 
D

dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,001
Only just read this.

Personally I think the fact you have spent many years without constantly relying on alcohol as a daily 'crutch' is a reassuring thing, it shows you know how to live without it. You were the passive party in helping past boyfriends with it, which shows you have not fitted into the role of the "alcoholic" in the past and could take your distance from drink despite being very involved with people who abused it.

I also am aware of the stresses you have been through this year like the stress of your late mother passing was massive, and also you have consistently be doing therapy, bringing up those old issues which can be de-stabilizing.

It might be that this counter intuitive thing with therapy where in having new realisations about yourself and your life you actually end up feeling more unstable before you feel better and it could be that alcohol is a way of dealing with the repressed feelings coming up and the anger that your life has been a certain way. Then maybe the alcohol helps put those feelings to bed. However, it could also just be the stresses of life. Job and mother passing etc.
In any case, I think it is good to be aware of what's going on.

Your stresses have been massive and you have done tremendously well with it all considering. What is concerning is the loneliness thing. If you do feel lonely then just post or message one of us as many of us feel lonely too, me included. Also it is not the same as real life interaction. I don't think you have a pet as I don't hear you speak of one but that might help. Or just getting out the house more? Please think of this as a passing phase
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
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No drinking tonight.

Only now I can’t sleep. :(
 
D

dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,001
No drinking tonight.

Only now I can’t sleep. :(
How are you doing? Did you get to sleep in the end? I'm also crap at sleeping .
In general though I find drinking before bed makes me fall asleep but poor quality sleep, just leads to waking up.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
Messages
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Oh I made it two days. :(

I suppose its ownership that I'm not lying.

I just get wonky if I dont sleep.

Imagine severe OCD. That's me with sleep.

Dewey thanks for what you said. It helps dampen the inner voice that mercilessly beats me up.

I'll get there. I hope.
 
D

dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
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Oh I made it two days. :(

I suppose its ownership that I'm not lying.

I just get wonky if I dont sleep.

Imagine severe OCD. That's me with sleep.

Dewey thanks for what you said. It helps dampen the inner voice that mercilessly beats me up.

I'll get there. I hope.
Sleep is so important. We really underestimate how important it is. It literally cleans out all the junk from your brain so you can start afresh the next day. Poor sleep leads to worse mental illness, and unfortunately dementia. So it's important you get that sleep.

It is ownership, which is important.
You will get there. Just be open with your therapist :grouphug:and with us :)
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,246
Found a really neat trick to stop the drinking. Go outside.

Spent the evening taking photos at the beach for work. Forgot how much I enjoy taking photos.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
3,205
Location
UK
Found a really neat trick to stop the drinking. Go outside.

Spent the evening taking photos at the beach for work. Forgot how much I enjoy taking photos.
Spent the evening on the beach too. It's been oppressively hot here, so we napped this afternoon and then spent the evening in deckchairs on the shoreline with a picnic supper.

Glad you've had a nice time out x
 
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